Oh. Where to start. My life is so full of shit that I can physically pick where to start. Perhaps an introduction is warranted. I am a 19yo girl. My dad is a shit person who basically abandoned our family and started another in another country. My mum is just a freak, who started a new family and forced my brother and I to live with our shit step dad for 13 years. He was also shit and still continues to treat my mum and her two other kids like nothing. I just cant stand how she treats me. I feel unwelcome here. Recently its just getting worse and worse. The sny remarks, little comments she throws in when she thinks i cant here her OR she knows i can and wants to fight. I’ve been self harming for years. Since I was 12. Ive been hospitalized and I put myself into a coma. I did a lot of drugs for 3 years and only just stopped recently. I haven’t got a license yet and when I asked my mum to book lessons she said I am an adult and can do it on my own and my response was what about when I wasnt and adult. She yells at me for opening my bedroom door to go to the toilet at night because it wakes her up and when i tell her to shut her door she says NO ITS MY HOUSE and im so close to either killing myself or destroying everything she owns. I found out my best friend of 14 years ( we will call her M) was not who i thought she was. She has been going through my facebook and showing her friends pictures of me naked and saying how disgusting i am, also reading my private converstations with her friends. She is a drug addict going no where. It gets more complicated because my other friend C s friends with M’s friend K. I believe C is telling K information and K is relaying it to M. I have no proof but i just dont trust her. My boyfriend T dumped me a few months back about 3 days after my auntys mothers funeral and i really loved him. He said he doesnt want to see me again because he will fuck me and get back with me and doesnt want to pretend to love me anymore. I wasted almost 2 years with him and his lies. just like my other ex when i was younger who cheated on me with 5 girls and said oh it was bc they are prettier then you. I have nothing in this world to ground me. Taking care of my fish only helps me so much. I have no escape, no license no job. I have to wait until next year to study and i feel like im wasting my life. Why couldnt we all have at least 1 parent who isnt fucked up. I hate living here but i feel guilty for leaving my mum to take care of the kids on her own. I just am stuck and no matter how much i want to move out, i am not ready. I am finding it hard to sleep. Thoughts of how im going to hang myself with a belt or cut myself keep me awake. I also have nightmares. Most dreams I have are nightmares. When i look at myself i dont recognize myself. People say im pretty buy i just see my ugly teeth, big nose and untonned body. Yes i weigh 55kg but never excerizing makes me feel like i have a disgusting figure. I am embarrassed when i have sex and i feel like i have to do what im told because im never good enough for anyone. OH NOT TO MENTION i have been sexually assulted many times. 1. when i was a kid my next door neighbor touched me up. 2. my childhood best friend S, after i got dumped the first time by T i went to S’s 18th birthday and we were both fucked up from alcohol and dancing and i woke up to him fucking me and i was alright with it but i passed out and then he was doing it again and when he saw i was awake he was like WTF am i doing. I told him on facebook the next day that i remembered and he blocked me and never spoke to me again, ignored my calls. 3. I went on holidays down south to work and my “friend” from work ended up fucking me while i was asleep and i woke up but like idk again i was likeokay because i just got dumped and wanted to forget. then another time i woke up with my pants down and he was making me touch his dick and i said no you have to ask me and he laughed at me and said no i dont you didnt care the first time. i got really angry and ran down stairs and got my knife and got dress and had a smoke and he threw my cigarette out and made me sleep next to him. 4. I dont know if this is sexual assult but i just wanted to get it off my chest. I did MDMA hard ways and drank 2 bottles of wine and i found out the next morning me and my friends had a 3 way. of course we were all fucked up, as in my mate thought he was in vikings and was saying how his brothers dead as his eyes roll into his head. i am scared because its not something i normally do you know. I also hear this voice when i cut and it feel like im in a trance and it says its okay it doesnt hurt. Im going to try to speak to a mental health person with in the week. i just dont know how they are going to give me a license and a home im happy in. i hate this world and i can ramble on about hundreds of reasons to die; for example, look pagpag up on youtube. look at africas toxic waste village abogloshi. look at the posion in the water, the food and the air. look at the land clearing. i feel so fucking useless and a fucking bullet in my head is the only thing i look forward to. unfortunately in australia gun laws are restricted and expensive so perhaps one day after i get a license and a job then i will be able to actually kill myself. I dont have sleeping pills and if i did i would take everyone. Im pretty sure the doctors know this but i am well aware i can trick them into prescribing me them. i dont even know wtf im saying anymore. my paranoia is worse then ever. i dont like this life i hate my family. i hate me. i ask what is the point of life and they say experience. Why?
Hey @earthmagic,
Thank you so much for reaching out; it’s not easy being vulnerable with a bunch of strangers.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had a really rough upbringing. It sounds like you’re continuing to struggle to-date because of your current living situation. Because you’re 19, have you considered moving out, perhaps with a few friends? Although everyone is different, I personally found SO much relief by moving away from a toxic environment and learning to become independent (finding my own identity, etc). Hang in there! We care about you and want to see you get better.
-Eric
Hi @earthmagic,
I can relate to the toxic environment at home, although not at the level you describe. Nevertheless, thank you for sharing as it definitely took a lot of courage and energy to write what you did. Long story short do you have anyone that you trust you can go stay with in the short term? Your situation is by no means a no way out path, so please keep your head up.
Regardless of all of the shit going on in the world right now you are more than worth it. I used to think the same exact thing, but time and maturity made me a little wiser. You recognize what is going on around you and the shit that it permeates. That is definitely a push for change on your part in my mind. DO NOT give up…I know you have been through a LOT of shit up through now, but you do have control over where life takes you. We are here for you and if you need anything let me know!
Much love,
crazytrain116