Right now I have been laying in my bed crying for an hour and a half now. I am just completely breaking down right now.
All day I have van crying off and on I’ve been an emotional wreck.
I feel worthless and stupid for even posting.
Some people’s words are just so fucking empty. They say they love me and that’s just a lie. They say they’re there for me and that’s just a lie.
I pour so much of myself out and I check on people when I think they aren’t ok. People can’t just assume really if I’m not doing ok or like anyone because that’s impossible but i reach out every fucking day. If I wasn’t having a fucking emotional breakdown I wouldn’t be feeling this way. I wouldn’t even be thinking these things. I just do it to do it. It when I’m falling apart all my thoughts come out.
Right now I just really hate myself and I wish I could explain more as to why but I don’t freaking know why. It’s like bad stuff happens and instead of taking it out on others I take it out on myself. I just want to freaking slam my fists into my body.
One of my applications got denied and now I am just thinking wow am I really good enough for anything other than McDonalds? I’m not trying to put myself back in the hole I was in where I just wanted to die because work was too freaking fast. Maybe just freaking suffer through another job like that and fall apart all over again and see what happens?
Right now I’m just falling apart.
I get so fuckin scared of my friends leaving me that I just start pushing them away. Just because I think I know the future, like the past just repeats itself.
And I don’t even know how to help me right now and I am annoyed at myself for even posting this because I don’t even know.
I’m just freaking falling apart and I just can’t take it right now I can’t stop crying or thinking and it sucks.
I’m such a freaking burden I’m such a freaking let down I’m such a freaking failure.
I know you have an entire wall of notes, art, letters, stickers, a flag, and a number of other random things that directly contest these thoughts that you’re having.
I feel as though you’re referring to some specific people here, I hope you reach out the them specifically and address these feelings with them when you’re comfortable doing so.
Also, if the love you’re showing others isn’t being reciprocated or acknowledged, then you should distance yourself from them and let them know that it’s hurting you. It sucks, but some people are just oblivious to this kind of stuff and legit might not know that what they are doing is making you feel the way you feel.
You being denied a job doesn’t make you worthless. There are lots of positions at different jobs out there, that one prob sucked anyways. They don’t deserve you.
You need to make some time to love yourself and to do things that you enjoy that DON’T involve other people. I’m proud that you are my friend. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.
Ask yourself why you’re feeling this way. And just because your application got denied does not mean the end of the world. You just pick back up and try again. You need to find your dream job, or the job thats the perfect fit for YOU. You’ll get through it. I promise. And remember to surround yourself with happiness
It is certain people that are making me feel this way but I guess I’m just scared to say anything because I don’t want to hurt them. I guess I always do that- I just take the pain so they don’t have to. I bottle a lot of stuff up. I guess I just try to get through life without any conflicts or arguements because a lot of arguments have messed me up. I don’t like to be mean but I guess if I just say how I truly feel I’m not really being mean.
I know that my worth doesn’t depend on my job or other people but in the moment I just lose sight of everything and I break myself down. Last night was the worst break down in a long time.
I know I am loved and I have people and I know that my existence is important- just yesterday I let the negatives affect me for too long and then I just crashed.
I’m still 60 days free of self injury today and that is good.
I wish I could understand better what was wrong yesterday but I think it was just bottling everything up.
I will talk to the people who have been affecting me
I’m really sorry that you’ve felt that dark hole circling you again. I think you are kind, funny, and compassionate and deserve all the happiness in the world. I know right now is really hard, but I believe with all my might that this is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story. Also, I’m really proud of you for your 60s days. That is amazing!!!