Today I realized I would be late for my first class, and I was feeling frantic and angry. I drove over 90 mph in a 55 zone, bit firmly down on my wrist 3 times, and slapped my glasses off my face in traffic. I didn’t have control over my emotions. I could have gotten someone hurt or killed by my behavior. If I had died it would be a gift to my community.
I watched porn last night twice, something which I have wanted to shake for over 7 years. I thought I was finally coming out of my depression and starting to understand the Gospel as a Christian, but it looks like I was wrong. I feel far from a new creation, just the same fake Christian piece of shit I have been for years. Maybe it’s possible that God really does hate me and I’m fucked no matter what I do. In that case I might as well stop wasting time and kill myself and get started with my eternal sentence to Hell, because if God hates me then all pleasure, goals or pain I have in this life is absolutely useless.
If I really loved God, I would have looked more like Jesus by now. I’d see more of the attributes of God in my life. All I know is how to feel sorry for what I’ve done, but my attempts to repent are all shown to be fake by my actions. I don’t think I know how to love God genuinely anymore. Satan probably rejoiced at my outburst this morning because everyone who saw my Jesus fish fly by at 90mph and my angry red face now if going to never want anything to do with God. I’m a detriment to what I claim to be a part of. God is probably ashamed of me.
All my attempts to get close to Him were probably all selfishly driven and I think I’m just defective. I’m so fucked up I don’t know how to be genuine. I’ll never be able to live a good Christian life or marry a good Christian woman because I will ruin her life now that my mind is so polluted with porn. I’ve wasted everything.