I hate depression. It’s always gonna be there. In my head, in my heart, everywhere I go. It’s so fking unpredictable that is why I hate it so much. I can be completely fine now and then I can wake up the next day or like literally few seconds later something triggers me and I will freak out. I will lay in my bed, I will cry, closed curtains and I will never want to wake up again. And when you have anxeity as well like you know, you are scared to go out, that’s messed up. It’s just so frustrating because you don’t give a shit about anything. Because nothing fking matters. You just don’t wanna see yourself living another day. You care about things but you can’t at the same time. So you are stuck in this between and It’s like you don’t care enough to go outside and meet with friends but you care enough to be alive. It’s just… It’s really frustrating. I remember when my depression was really bad, I couldn’t see myself in the next month or I couldn’t see myself in a weeks time. And then It started to come, where I couldn’t even see myself tomorrow morning. I couldn’t even see where I would be in the next hour. That’s when my suicide attempt happened. It happened 2 months ago. I wish this brain could stop wanting to hurt myself I wish that I could finally find a way to cure myself. And be happy again. I started use xanax in these last few weeks but I am scared that I will try to kill myself again. Anyway If I will do it the sun will continue to shine and the grass will continue to grow, the birds will sing and people will live. The world will continue and I will just be another person in history that no one will remember.
I know exactly how you feel, I was feeling the same earlier today and have been for a couple months (one of my longer stretches of darknesss), one of the hardest, most tiring parts is feeling that it will never go away, even though I know it will at some point. At some point the curtain will lift and the sun will peak in and it took me years to understand that even at my worst I have the power to tell myself that. It’s hard and it doesn’t make it automatically better right then, but it’s a just a bit of relief. You do matter, your depression is making you feel otherwise, but that isn’t true and your depression isn’t you. That’s easier said than felt of course, but even if it’s one small thing, find a way to help yourself the way you’d help a friend in the same position. Take a bath, go for a walk, eat a treat, meditate, talk in a silly voice, watch something funny, help someone in an easy way (like go pay for someone’s coffee or something). One of the things I lose when I’m depressed is my sense of purpose and finding even little things to give me that back can briefly alleviate some of my depression. Be kind to yourself and try to make healthy choices if you can. I’m struggling with anxiety and depression hard right now, and meditating has been helpful at times. Also, I just downloaded an app called youper that I really like, I’ve been using it the last couple days whenever I start to panic. I really hope you can find some relief tonight and onward.
depression sucks, I know. I’ve been there and on some bad days still slip back. But what really helped me was the realisation that my bad days didn’t define me as a person; the good I did for other people, and for myself, did. And when I understood that, I started rewarding myself for good things. Ate a good healthy meal? Then I had earned a sweet desert. Ate all the deserts in one depressed pig-out? Ignore that, and try again to do the right thing. This, for me, was the way out of the darkness. It takes time, and might need professional help and medication to lift the shrowd that is keeping you in darkness, but it’s worth it to try, because where you are now is no way to spend the rest of your life. And I think you know this, because else you wouldn’t have posted here. Every day do the things you must, and then do anything that betters your life in the short and long run. Throwthings in the trash. Wash your clothes so youhave clean ones. Shower so you don’t wallow in your own miserable filth. Move up. Always try to do better, and forget/forgive yourself your mistakes. This is how I got out.
I hope this helps.
You are not alone.
Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy