I’m sitting here hating myself so much. I can’t sleep, I keep having panic attacks, I keep having mental breakdowns. I’m just not happy at all. I hate myself so much. I made one terrible decision of getting back together with someone that God kept warning me not to be together with and I kept not listening to him. Turns out that he was actually the bad guy the whole time. I found out so many things about him that he did while we were together and it broke me. The worst part was that he twisted it around and ended up blaming everything on me…and the even worst part is that my mind believed it. I knew I shouldn’t have taken him back because he wasn’t a good guy the first time we were together. I don’t know why I thought he changed. He was really a master manipulator. I feel like because I chose to be with him again that it changed the whole path of my life and now I’m not happy. Before he came back, I had everything falling in place for me and I was finally at peace with myself and life. I had everything. I was the happiest I had ever been. I was going to a new school to obtain my Bachelor’s degree, I got a new car, I finally completed my Associate’s degree, I started hanging out with new people and doing things that made me happy, my relationship with God was the BEST that it had ever been, and I was going to start my biggest dream and passion of wrestling. I was so happy…and then he came back. I really wasn’t going to take him back, I didn’t want to take him back at all. He manipulated me into taking him back and I didn’t even realize it. I got sucked into his trap. I kept feeling so happy toward wrestling, but I knew it meant that I couldn’t be there for him or be with him. So I sacrificed it and kept putting it off to be there for him. Wrestling made me so happy. Just the thought of it made me so happy. I know that’s what God wanted for me, but I kept pushing it away for this stupid guy. He manipulated me so bad and I didn’t even realize it, but everyone else around me seen it…I don’t know how I didn’t see it. I don’t even know how I ended up back with him the second time…I loved myself, I was so happy with my life…so how did I end up with him? I didn’t realize how bad it was…until I ended up in crisis. He was sucking the positivity out of me and I didn’t even realize it. It took me away from God, it took me away from my friends, it took me away from my happiness and self love…it took me away from school…it took me away from wrestling. I look at my life now and keep crying because I think about the life I had and how I didn’t realize that my life would end up like this. I ended up in crisis…now I have to take medication…and now I have to go through endless therapy and programs… I was happy and now I feel like I ruined the amazing path I was going down and now I feel like I’m being punished from God because of it. Now I feel like he’s taking everything away because I didn’t go for it when he wanted me too. I keep having mental breakdowns and can’t stop hating myself. I was finally moving forward not too long ago, but now I’m stuck back into being down on myself…I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I wasn’t so stupid and now I lost everything. I want my life back…I want wrestling back…I want that girl I was becoming back. I want that type of self love and happiness back. I want everything back, but now I feel like I ruined all of that and will never have any of it back…why am I so stupid. I want him to go away from my mind, I want him out of my head…everything about him, I just want it to go away. I stopped talking to him, but some how it still feels like he’s got this poisonous latch on me and every time I try to unhook it, it gets worse and worse. I’m going nuts…I just don’t feel like I know who I am anymore and what my personality is anymore. I feel like I don’t even recognize myself anymore and it’s like my mind doesn’t even recognize me anymore. This is the worst feeling in the world.
People suck. Life sucks. Be strong.
We all make mistakes and there are consequences from our actions. Dont think that you cant move on from this, you can. You have to forgive yourself before healing can begin. God has already forgiven you, you just have to believe and accept it then you can have the freedom to walk the path of repentance. God will not just take everything from you, he wants you to learn what really is important and that is that He wants what’s best for you and He loves you even when you dont love yourself. Dont hate yourself for what you have done for our identity is not found in our mistakes. You can always make it back to the place you need to be you just have to lift it up to God He will give you your purpose back.
Hi Alenatbow14!
So you have a supportive family or close friends? If you can I would see if you could tell them what’s going on and see if they will help you leave this person. He is abusive and toxic. What he is doing to you are things abusers do to keep their partners feeling trapped in a relationship. If you are in fear you can call the cops and ask them to be there when you leave. I have a friend who had to do that. It’s really scary, but you deserve to be free from this toxicity. You deserve to find that happiness again.
And let me just tell you that you did not let God down. God is bigger than our mistakes! Do you think when we stumble God just throws his hands up and says “well they’re a failure, byee!” No. He can make masterpieces out of our mistakes. I’m often guilty of thinking this way too, but no mistake or stumble or wrong choice that I make could ruin God’s plan. And the same is true for you too. You have not ruined God’s plan. Yes you are struggling, but God is still there for you. This is your cross you have to bare right now, but you will get through this. Our God is truly merciful and he does not punish us. Sometimes bad things will come from other people or bad choices we made in our life, but God will always make it into something beautiful.
Love,
Cassie
Hey, I went through this same thing! I was getting to a great place myself, then a guy I knew deep down I shouldn’t be with came along and pursued me widly. But it didnt last, and when we finally broke up, I had a lot of issues. I don’t remember much from certain moments, but there are a few memories that my counsler described as sexual assault. There was emotional manipulation and I was in constant sex mode for him, every time I visited. It was terrible, and I didnt even know it until almost 10 months after we broke up and 4 months after I cut him off. Its hard to see it when you’re in the middle of it. Please be gentle with yourself! When someone who is a master manipulater comes along, it doesn’t matter how good or strong you are, they know how to snatch you. Its happened to many of us here. Please give yourself some grace. While the person you were before is different now, if you keep healing and doing counseling, and push on, it gets better. It goes up and down but each time it goes back up, it’s better and better. I still have a long way to go, but thats partially becaise I am also grieving and healing from abuse from,my dad growing up, which I also just learned of too. I fully understand this place you are in! Please, I would love to offer you what I can so if you have questions about what to do or just need to vent, you can message me,on here or on Facebook. Its Boo Kenjii! I hope the pain eases soon. We love you and we are in this together! Remember, even though who you were is not who you are now, you have the opportunity, even though it’s challenging, to find that person again! But because of what you will overcome, that person will be stronger, braver, kinder, more courageous, and more wise than the you before! Take your pain and feel it, and process it, then make something stunningly beautiful out of it. You’re amazing, friend. We believe 110% that you’re going to make it and be happy again!
Hey friend!
Thank you for sharing this with us and trusting us with your pain. Your pain is valid and your questions are valid as well.
I have been where you are, feeling like you let God, family, friends, and yourself down by your actions. Feeling like God is punishing you for stepping “out of line” or whatever. I know that pain, trust me. Job knew that pain too!
Let me tell you something that God himself taught me after many years of running from Him. YOU AND I ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO RUIN GOD’S PLAN OR OUTRUN HIS LOVE. Believe me, I have tried. (Read the story of Jonah. He tried and failed).
Friend, none of us will ever fully understand what your going through. But God, our Father, does. He loves you more than you’ll ever know and He’s waiting at the end of the driveway for you to come home to Him. I know that because he pulled me out of a life of addiction, depression, and suicidal tendencies! God is bigger than your failures. He specializes in the down-and-outs, the failures, and the people who don’t have all their crap together.
Look at His time on earth with us. Who did Jesus spend His precious time with? Drug dealers, prostitutes, tax collectors, homeless fishermen. Jesus loves people who are at the end of their rope.
After Job lost his children, his home, and his livelihood, God sat patiently with Him while he ranted and raved and asked God “WHY?!” And you know the beautiful thing? God let him rant and rave and ask why. God let Job, in all his pain and all his anguish, ask the hard questions and scream at him. Then God knelt down and spoke with Job lovingly and proved to him that despite all of Job’s pain and uncertainty about the future, God was still in control.
Read Job, I think it might help you.
Release, breathe, decrease, and rest in God’s hands. Talk to Him like you would a friend. He wants to hear your pain and answer your questions.
Hold fast, friend. God has a future for you. This isn’t The end.
Sam S.
Hey friend, thanks for sharing.
Recognising the issue is already an achievement: however, even if life looks darker as ever now, remember that sometimes we have to go through these kind of stuff to find our own path. I know you already know what you want to do, but even if you are unhappy now, there’s a lot of strength in your words. I believe you need to be a wrestler outside of the ring now. Take back your life: you have everything needed to do it.
Love you
I broke up with him back at the end of November because I tried to commit suicide. He made me feel so bad for breaking up with him that I ended up in crisis. I want nothing to do with him because of all these things that he caused for me. He ruined everything in my life.
@IAmCassie @MentallyillGamer @Nbartell @Boo_Kenjii @Sam_Stoddard @frapioggia thank you all for your kind encouraging words 
️ I really wish I didn’t make the decision I made. I wish I would have just stayed moving forward. I would have had wrestling right now…do you guys think God will give me wrestling back or do you think it’s gone forever? Because it feels like it’s getting taken away from me and all I can do is regret not doing it and choosing someone stupid. I mean I guess if it were truly my purpose I would be doing it right now, but at the same time I wanted to at least do it. Now I feel like I’m not allowed to because the same feelings I was getting toward my ex is what I’m getting toward wrestling and it’s making me so upset and depressed. I keep thinking I would have a completely different happy life right now if I didn’t make the choice I made and everything I would be 4 months into training and happy. I’m just upset because it just feels like wrestling isn’t mine anymore…
Maybe, but we can’t know what plans are in God’s mind. Keep working towards it if it’s your call, but remember it’s completely ok to get tired of what we love. I only recently got back into singing after a 1 year hiatus because of your same reasons, so keep going
I just feel like this wouldn’t be happening if I didn’t get back with him the second time. I REALLY miss wrestling and the joy it gave me. It’s been with me for 7 years. If it gets taken from me, I’ll blame myself forever because of getting back with him.
I believe the best thing to do now is to get back at it. It will be tough in the beginning but results will come!