Ok this is my first time joining a website like this, and the first time I tell how I feel (besides my boyfriend who knows), so I’m really scared and I just don’t know how this will end, but here I go…
I’m 19, I’m much more better now than I was 4 years ago. My entire teenage years were a nightmare to me; I don’t really know if I had (and have) depression (because I never went to a psychologist), but I think it’s possible. I cut myself, I got drunk every weekend and I cried every fucking night till I felt asleep, but when I had to be with my family, friends or go to school, I pretended that everything was perfect.
I date a guy, I left him, we dated again, he ignored me, we came back and again we broke… YES, it was THAT complicated… after a year I left him (for no reason, I was just not feeling well with him), i started to miss him, and everything started there. I became a dark person, I felt unhappy and I tell no one about that. I went out with my friends and came back home crying because I saw my ex having fun and ignoring me (which now I understand, bc I left him).
I told him how I felt but he was still “hurt” because of what happened so he told me he was fine being alone. That broke me even more.
Self hurt became a daily thing… now I have awful scars which I can’t hide.
Staying all night looking for sad and harmful songs and imagines, just to destroy myself even more was something common; also sleeping like shit.
I erased my ex of my memory and now I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and supports me with my struggle with the past. But that’s the problem: I just can’t let the past go. I still cry at night remembering the moments when I cut myself (BTW i haven’t done that for more than a year and a half). I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid of getting professional help, I feel uncomfortable telling people my problems, I think I could never go to therapy, but I need help.
What should I do?
Thnak you for reading such a long text!
Firstly, congrats on being a year and a half clean <3
I understand where you’re coming from. I used to be just like that. I could never let anything go, and saying I was the unhappiest and darkest person on earth wasn’t much of an exaggeration. And I still struggle with it to this day. I’m not gonna act like I know what I’m talking about here and this might be completely wrong, but I think part of your issue there is that you feel like maybe you don’t deserve to move on. And that you don’t deserve to forget any of that. But the thing is, you have to accept that you do. Granted, that’s far easier said than done and it’s gonna take time to come to that decision. It’s gonna take time to give yourself permission to move on. And that’s the first step, really. You have to tell yourself that it’s okay to move on. That you deserve to, more importantly. And as far as seeking professional help, do it. Finding a decent therapist that can genuinely help you can be a bit tricky, and I thought the same thing. But see, that’s what they’re there for. To help you through things like that. To give you a place to rest your heart when there’s nowhere else to do so. You feel uncomfortable telling them your problems right up until it’s time to do just that. I promise that it’s not gonna go NEARLY as bad as you think it will. I know it’s scary, but take it from somebody who refused to take outside help from anyone and thought that they could do it all themselves: therapy is well worth your time.
I really hope this helped in some way.
Hey Victoria,
Man, you killed it! This is awesome! You just bore your soul to this community and hey – you didn’t die! And no one came back and told you you’re an idiot!
In my experience, I’ve told a lot of people my deepest junk – specifically related to my struggle with porn addiction/lust/etc and how that manifested itself in my life – and in every circumstance I’ve been afraid being judged, people have been so kind and loving in return. I always thought they were going to think I was a monster or an idiot or look down on me, but what’s interesting is that more often than not, people look at you with MORE respect because of 1) what you’ve been through and 2) the courage you mustered to share it.
You’re doing the thing, girl! This is incredible! I know it’s online, but it’s a step. And taking ANY step is worthy of praise and celebration. Great work!
I think you’ve already identified another step you could take, which is getting professional help. I’ve been in counseling myself, and I’ve gotta say – it’s literally the best thing ever…to have someone listen to you, validate you, support you, and journey with you – are you KIDDING ME?! I’d give my left whatever to get more counseling, man! You’re going to have an incredibly positive experience – and if you don’t, it just means you didn’t find the right counselor yet, and you try someone else! When my wife and I went to marital counseling, we had to try a couple before we found the right one for us – her name was Elaine, and we ADORED her.
So I think your gut is good – you already know what direction you need to head…you’ve already demonstrated the courage inside of you that it’s going to take to take that next step…this is just great news, man. Thanks so much for sharing 
Thanks for being so nice! This really helps me. I wish you the best 
I can see that you really understand me! Thank you so much for spending your time on me. Wish you a lovely day
I wish you the best too! If you’d like to take an intermediate step to professional help and get online counseling, we actually have a partnership with a group of online counselors, and we can help you at least get your feet wet! It could be less intimidating than an in person counselor, and a great next step. If you’d like to explore that option, please email [email protected] and ask him about “BetterHelp”
Hey there, I am so sorry you went through this . I know you are hurt from the past and I know it’s hard to move on and that’s okay, and congratz for not cutting for more then a year . Just know your loved and we will be a light to guide you out of the scary parts .
@VictoriaJacob thank you for trusting us and sharing this. Self harm was pretty much a daily thing for me for most of my life as well, if I wasn’t cutting I was high on prescription pills, so I just want to let you know I understand how hard it is - and well done on a year and a half, that’s amazing. I have scars I cannot hide either, and I’ve been at the point where I’m crying myself to sleep most nights. My family don’t know about my struggles, they see someone who’s getting by and holding up a job… Joining HeartSupport was a big step, but it was the right one. You’re not alone, keep talking to your boyfriend, keep doing whatever you’re doing that’s stopping you from cutting. You’re doing brilliantly and you’re so brave for posting here. Thank you
Hold Fast
Kayla
Hi Victoria and welcome. It’s completely understandable to have that uncertainty with posting here. I think you’ll find like many of us that HS is a welcome separation from what we normally experience in our outside lives. You’ll find a lot of acceptance and understanding from folks that have a lot going on also. That being said, believe me when I say it’s a BIG step posting here. A bold, brave move.
All those things you describe are all hard experiences to face. Relationships are tricky anyway and yours sound like that had even more difficulties. So sorry to hear about those experiences. Our minds tend to tack memories hard to events that are especially emotional. Some of those re-occurring intrusive memories are much more likely to be triggered anytime you’re in times that maybe you feel unhappy or down. Our minds give us junk sometimes. Unfortunately it’s difficult to think of some of our thoughts as being untrue or not worth our attention. They’re OUR thoughts after all.
So one thing I would say is about the therapist. I can’t speak in guarantees but a good therapist is just about the best person to talk to. Think of a judgement free zone where you also get new perspectives on how you’re thinking plus a nice validation that “Hey this is all totally normal stuff” Uncertainty about talking to a therapist is natural but it WILL help a lot. The second thing is more of a personal technique (mindset) that I worked on over years of struggling with thoughts just intruding. It was starting to take the thoughts that didn’t help me, the thoughts that I found to be hurtful or untrue or not really serving any purpose, and treat them as junk. Like, Oh remember that painful thing from the past…whatever, you’re a junk thought…I refuse to focus on you. Instead, I’ll focus on nature, or my breathing or the feel of a breeze. Just any and all details I need to WHILE that thought is trying to come at me to help me not think about it. Over time those thoughts stopped having as much power over me. Even using an app called Headspace helped a lot.
Hold strong. Know you are not alone and if you need to talk more you are always welcome here.
Victoria,
I’d like to thank you for coming here to share your story. It can be scary opening up about these things. I understand the urge to harm yourself and you’re not alone. The only advice I can give you is to continue to be open but more importantly really try to seek out professional help. Trust me, I understand not wanting to see a therapist but and finding the right one is incredibly difficult and takes a lot of time. Once you do find the right person though, it will most likely make a huge difference! I wish you well in the future, Victoria!
Love,
Raffi (Shnaff) 
@shnaff @Kayla @Mantlebeard @all_around_ashley @NateTriesAgain @yallmindifiuwu
I can’t thank you enough for your words of encouragment! It’s amazing how much love I have recieved through this post and I’ve been here less than a day. This site is amazing! I feel your positivism towards my situation being thousands of kilometres away of you.
I’ll follow your advices and try to get better every day 
Our issues will be beaten guys
Love from Argentina
Thank you so much! this is amazing, I can’t believe how supporting is everyone here 