So, for context, I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and moderate to severe depression and have for a while now. On that front I’ve been doing a lot better thanks to being on the right meds, but the period of time where I wasn’t has left me one hell of a mess to clean up, and I’m overwhelmed and afraid.
I graduated college in 2017 with a BA in English. Originally it should have been a BA in English and a preliminary teaching credential, but my student teaching placement was the perfect storm between an incompetent mentor (which I still don’t think is true, but the program supervisor insisted that my mentor was a bully) and the executive dysfunction my depression brings. March of that Spring 2017 semester, I shamefully returned a stack of ungraded papers taller than my head and finished the last semester of my undergrad experience alone in my apartment dissociating.
The plan from there was that I would finish student teaching as a graduate student the next semester. I got placed at a wonderful high school with two wonderful mentors, and with classes that were honestly great. Even the “worst” kids were more troubled than mean. But there were often days where I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed. Four or five times I called in sick the morning of, and it was irresponsible and unprofessional. I was kindly asked by my mentors and my program supervisor to step down, take the rest of the semester to get it together, and try again.
Spring 2018 came around and it was my last chance. I finally got on a medication that helped and while I’m obviously not magically cured, I’m able to get out of bed every day. I threw myself into student teaching and neglected the actual coursework. My supervisor was fine with this but I really, really wish she hadn’t been. The coursework prepares you for the edTPA, a very large project that you must complete before getting your credential. I did a great job teaching and got a glowing letter of recommendation from my mentor, and both she and my individual supervisor signed off on all of my competencies, which is the other piece I need for my preliminary credential. That just left the edTPA.
That was back in April. I was done student teaching and I’d taught and filmed the needed lessons for my edTPA, but I was overwhelmed, in part because of another incomplete course from the Fall 2017 semester that I was still working on. I managed to complete that by the end of May but still hadn’t even started on my edTPA, and without a concrete deadline, my executive dysfunction issues ran wild. It stayed untouched through June, and July, and suddenly August came and I realized I was going to miss the last turn-in date before the start of the school year.
I am so utterly ashamed of myself for letting things get this bad. Today, September 6th, is another deadline. The next one after this is in October. I’m out of money from the trust fund that funded my college experience and paid for my life expenses. Still, I only have one tiny section of my edTPA done, with just nine hours to go until the deadline. And even assuming I get it done, which I hope I will, I can’t apply for any kind of teaching job until the results come in and until I then submit those and wait for my credential–and that’s assuming I even pass. I tried applying for a personal loan and was denied because of my student loan. I tried asking if I could retake the student teaching course one more time, since that would mean I could get another student loan, but was gently denied since I completed the student teaching already.
Moving back home is not an option because my mom is emotionally abusive. But I don’t know what else I can even do. I’m scared and have no idea what on earth to do. I have about 25 days before rent will be due again and I’ll be officially screwed. Is there some road I’m not seeing? Is there anything at all I can do to dig myself out of this hole?
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