From prismalised: I just want to share some of my thoughts and feelings because It’s a mess and i don’t really have a good perspective about it at the moment
For context I’m 17 years old
I’ve always been taught to stay away from girls by my parents because some serious problems happened in my family. I definitely don’t want to find someone at this moment because I’m busy but what happens whenever i feel like I’m ready for it? I fear that I’ll be unable to find anyone and my parents have compared feeling love to smoking and drinking while being underage. They have explained me love as in such bad light and something i should avoid at all costs. But the thing is I don’t really want to be alone all my life and i just don’t care if that relationship would end and some bad things would happen because that’s just life and I’m going to die one day anyways so what does it matter if i stay in a safe bubble and do nothing my entire life? In addition to that my mother is very controlling and i have heard how she’s very upset because she “predicted” and felt how my brother’s ex was a bad person or whatever and even wanted them to break up just because she felt these things. It’s perfectly fine for her to say these things and give her opinion about it but she can’t do anything about it because that’s his life and now my mother is still upset about it 10 years later because she wasn’t “listened to”. Well you can’t control a person can you?
Hello prismalised
I think that you are very based, and accurate in your assessment of things. No you can not control a person, and people will chose to make decisions on their own, if it is what they want. Regardless of how hard you try to stop them from doing so. You also can not control someone from trying to control you, if this is the way they are. Sometimes you just have to accept they are that way, and work around it in whatever ways you can. It is important to live your own life, and experience your own experiences though.
I think that you have the right idea here, and that your perspective seems very sound. I think that love is very different from drugs, and alcohol. It is, in a way, an essential part of the human experience. So going into the idea of love and relationships, you don’t need the idea that it shouldn’t be experienced. Just an understanding that it can have it’s downsides. Which I believe you do. You stated that if the relationship ends, that’s just life and bad things happen, and you are justified completely in this way of thinking. Al though heart break will hurt a bit more then the idea of it, if/when it does happen. It is better to take the risk and pursue your emotions, then to never take the risk at all. You will never find what you are looking for in life, without risk involved.
I think that your parents are projecting a lot of their own bad experiences on to you, and though you should take these ideas and try to learn from them. You should not let them effect your own life experience, and stop you from going with your gut/heart when it comes to what you want in life. I think that if you find a girl that you find to be really interesting and attractive, that you should take the time to get to know them and let them know how you feel. If you think you will have the time and energy to put towards it. If you are busy and focused on other things in your life at the moment. This is also perfectly fine. Do things at your pace, and when the time feels right for you, but don’t let someone else’s experiences control and drive you to not have experiences of your own.
Hello prismalised,
Thank you for sharing with us. I think your view of love and relationships is an accurate and healthy one. Finding love is includes being able to take a risk and it seems like you understand this and are okay to do so. I’m not sure what your parents’ background is in terms of their personal experiences with love, but it could be tainting their opinions of love which they are projecting onto you.
With topics like this sometimes we will have different opinions about it than our parents do and that is okay. I don’t think we can control people. We can only control ourselves.
I can definitely understand how this could be a frustrating situation, and how it causes worry for the future about when you are ready to date. Regardless of their perspective, be true to you, your needs, and your wants, and have your own experiences.
Hi prismalised,
I’d like to think that most of our parents try their best to provide for us and protect us, but some may go about it the wrong way, and in some cases try to deprive us of many experiences under the pretense that they are keeping us safe. Many will try to mould us into what they believe is “correct” without taking into consideration our thoughts, desires, and who we want to be. This doesn’t necessarily take anything away from them as people, as we can’t forget that they are going through life for the first time too, but it remains that their methods may not always be the ‘right’ ones.
I am bringing this up because I think the way that you are viewing things is the way to go, and one could say the most realistic too. It is true that one cannot control another person. Plus, what has happened to your family in terms of love doesn’t necessarily apply to you and what you will go through, too. I think it is fair that they should warn you in terms of what to avoid when seeking relationships, but outright trying to deter you from doing so is another thing. Love can be an extremely beautiful thing, as it can be painful, but every single person should have the right to experience it if they choose to do so. I don’t have any doubt that you will be able to find someone once you are ready for a relationship. Especially with the mindset that you have, of just wanting the experience and seeing where things go, rather than holding expectations, I am sure you will be more than okay. Just take your time, and if possible, I’d take what your parents are saying with a grain of salt. I don’t doubt that at the end of the day, they have your best intentions at heart, but you have a right to love and be loved, to seek out new things, and to do what you think is best for you. I hope everything works out in the end, and will be here to listen if ever you want to share more!
From prismalised: Thank you all so much for the support and advice, its greatly appreciated!