Hello, i’ve been a member here for a time now but didn’t find the courage to post why.
So i decided to say what’s in my heart, or whatever is left of it.
Don’t really know how to start, so i’ll start with the beginning.
I was 10 years old, when i had a terrible accident on my right eye. I remember it extremely clear, like it was just yesterday, as i do with all my bad memories.
We were at a family picnic, was my grandfathers birthday, and my dad, brother, cousin and me went in the woods to look for mushrooms. My younger brother kept breaking fallen
branches on the treetrunks, and my cousin gave him a hand, and one of those branches flew straight into my right eye. To keep it short, 4 major surgeries had to be done just to save my eye.
And it did save it, but i would not be able to see more than through a thick fog. I was just a kid, went back to school, didn’t care much for it until one time, when it all started.
The muscles on the eye grew lazy and i developed strabismus, thats when all the bullying and making fun of me began. My entire school life has been like that, and i just pushed everything inside.
Even the friends i thought i had turned out to not be truly friends. And i just stuffed everything deep in me. I lost everything, my confidence is not here anymore, my sel esteem is far far away,and i hate myself.
I had an eye surgery now, after all these years, with my own money, thinking i would change, be better, but it’s not like that at all.
At approximately the same age, i, just a child, found out that my mother was drinking. I was the one to notice it, not my father, not brother, grandparents, it was me.
I spent unslept nights, being afraid that something would happen to my mom, my father didn’t know how to handle this issue, so it was me all afraid every night.
I remember, one day she had a kind of a nervous breakdown and wanted to jump from our 4th story appartment, and it was me who held on to her.It was little me all alone.
Every night i would put my ear on the door, wanting to hear her breathing and being afraid that she is going to die. Nights unslept, school in the morning,
i was so tired, and there awaited me all the bullying.All these memories are so vivid for me, i cannot recall the few happy ones i had.
I remember, growing up, i never wanted to have lots of money, cars or even extremely well payed jobs. I always dreamed to have my own family, to share happy moments with someone,
to give love and receive love. It seems that even this small dream of mine is not going to become reality. I am all alone, every single day, coming home from work to an empty house.
I live behind a wall made of glass, i never show myself how i am, i lie, saying that i’m good, putting up as happy a face as i can muster, but inside me there’s just pain and more pain.
I have nightmares. Every night. I wake up crying and trembling. Everything is now spilling out, there’s no more room inside of me to hide the pain, it’s just overflowing.
I’ve had two attempts last year, to end it all. Didn’t work out as planned.
I gave myself this year. I’m going to see my therapist, and say everything. All of it. I don’t know how it will help me, but i do know it will be extremely hard for me to do it.
But this is my resolution for this year. My eye surgery is done, there’s nothing more that can be done there, so that’s finished. The therapist is next.
And i will try my best, but if it doesn’t work out, this year will be my last year of pain. I will try to fight though, as much as i can, but it’s just too much for me.
Anyway, thank you for reading, it’s all out, summarized as much as i could. Sorry if i wrote it wrong. But right now, and each day more, i feel like i really don’t deserve
anything. I’m not good enough, for anyone.
