So this is my first post on this website, and to be honest i feel like i need to use multiple catagories to sum up how i feel right now, whilst my emotion is at its rawest. It’s a mixture of i cant handle this, i’m better off dead, i feel stuck and i cant handle how i feel.
So i’ve noticed a pattern where for the past 3 years (this being the third year) that i always seem to fall into a depression from around september thru to maybe around march? though this year was until i finished my college course in june. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or self harmed or attempted suicide, only ever had suicidal thoughts. I could never carry out suicide as i know it would hurt the people around me too much and i couldn’t bear the thought of that happening. thats not me being narcisstic thats just fact. i feel stressed out from college even though i’ve only just started and im supposed to enjoy it because i’ve always loved science and thats what im doing now! i’m surrounded by very close friends whom i trust with my life. i always know i can generally go to them though i am hesitant, i know they have their own problems and their own lives that they live through and i dont want to be a burden to them, but realizing that also makes me feel lonely, like i cant talk to them. i know im selfish and i try not to be but doing that makes me feel even worse so i talk to them anyways even though my mind and heart is screaming DONT DO IT because i KNOW it would just bring them down and thats not what i want to do. i love making people happy and making them laugh, nothing brings me greater joy in life than doing that. but i cant do it whilst my head is like this. i almost dread going into college now because i know thats a full day of work i was supposed to do but just couldnt because i have no motivation AT ALL to do it, it winds my parents up like crazy and i just end up annoying them, by them i mean my mother btw as my dad doesnt seem to take an interest in me. i know i want to go into medical science but i dont feel smart enough to do it, as i’d need to go to uni which i dont have the money for nor the brains (or motivation to become that smart). i absolutely hate feeling like this, it’s like im self aware of myself and everyone around me but im still dying inside my mind, i cant go through this for a third year when i dont even know what the cause is! if i knew what the cause is i’d solve it and that would be it but as far as i see, i have NO reason to be feeling like this! i am surrounded by friends, im doing a subject i’ve always loved and im becoming a better version of myself everyday so why im feeling this just makes no sense whatsoever. i’m going to see a doctor next week and maybe try to convince them to see if i can be put on medication, i know people say it’s a bad thing but this is the third year now and i cant fight this anymore, i’m emotionally drained with no motivation to do anything except sit at a desk and play video games.
if you have any advice then please let me know … i’ll keep fighting till then. sorry for the rant filled with self pity, thanks for reading.
Going to a doctor to see if something wrong is the right move.
May I also suggest. It is proven that sometimes depression is triggered by the season. So you mentioned September through March is the cycle that hits you with this depression. I suggest going outside when it is sunny. Taking Vitamin D or eating something with a lot of Vitamin D in it. I Also suggest purchasing a sunlamp. A sun lamp is just a lamp that shines light similar like the sun, but without the sunburn. It will also give you Vitamin D.
You’re not a burden on your friends or family. Sure, you can ask for support at inopportune times, but asking for help doesn’t make you a burden. And asking for help is always better than the alternative.
I don’t think I’d be wrong if I said, everyone loses motivation for the things they love at some point. I know I’ve lost motivation for my own Uni work, and trust me if I can get into Uni, I’m 100% sure you could too. While you lack of motivation could be due to the seasons, it might also be due to burnout. You may feel tired with science because you’ve been working with it for so long. What I do is, actively engage in the coursework, I find learning new things and expanding my knowledge a really great way to increase or at least reignite my interest. Also, applying and developing a deeper understanding of the things you’ve learnt can make you feel more competent and in control, which can increase motivation. It is also a great way to remember information.
But don’t work too hard and burn yourself out. Take a 5-minute break every 30 minutes to refresh your brain.
and i have to congratulate you for not only noticing the pattern but also looking for a way to break the cycle. asking a professional for help when in doubt/need is never the wrong choice, and i hope this works for you. hope to hear again from you afer the appointment.
whatever comes out of it, we’re with you. hold fast.
I am glad you’ve been brave enough to share with us, and to go see a doctor to get help! What you’re describing sounds a lot like Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s a sort of depression that happens specifically in the Fall and Winter months, thought to be caused by the lack of sunlight. Medication can help, and so can using a little lamp that emulates sunlight! Your doctor will tell you more about all that, though, I’m sure.
Your concerns about being selfish by burdening your friends with your problems really spoke to me. I feel that way a lot as well. I find what helps is to be very careful to always ask before venting. A simple “Hey, I’m not doing too great, can I talk to you about it?” makes sure that your venting is welcome, gives your buddy a heads up, and gives you verbal reassurance that you’re okay to vent–a win win win!
I hope things look up for you real soon, and that your doctor helps you figure out your next steps. Thank you again for sharing! Hold fast! <3
Hi QuirkyDestiny!
So your post really touched my heart because I have been there before. I went to college and I had issues of depression and anxiety that I never dealt with. I loved making people happy and I didn’t want to bother anyone. So I just kept it to myself. I did this for so long that my grades kept slipping and I had no motivation to do anything. What you are doing right now is a huge positive step. Just reaching out on the wall is helping you fight back on some of these demons. I feel like what hurts us the most is keeping it all inside. You don’t have to tell everyone, but telling at least your mom or your closest friend or your doctor or HeartSupport will help you get the encouragement and help you need. You don’t want to burden your friends but I think if they are true friends they would want to help you and support you. You are not a burden. There is help out there for you.
Also I just want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with medication. You love science right? Well scientifically your brain just isn’t making enough serotonin right now and medicine might be needed right now to balance that out for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Your doctor will help you figure out what is right for you and if medication is right now that there is nothing wrong with that. And if any one gives you are hard time they are extremely misinformed.
I am really happy that you reached out here. I hope you can find hope and support you need. I’m really proud of you. There is hope and there is help.
I may not be in the same position as u but ive been dealing with depression since 8th grade and now im a senior in high school. you may not know why but you are human. maybe you just need an answer, by the way you ARE SMART! we humans have a different ways or a way to process stuff. just know your loved no matter what. if you need to take you mind off of stuff, put music on and go for a walk to calm down cause that helps me on a hard day.
Hey QuirkyDestiny,
We got to hear about your topic on the HS stream today, and hearing how stressful your time in college is, just trying to deal with the stress of not wanting to be a burden on others with your suicidal thoughts and your mindset is so hard, especially when you try to speak up and are met with nothing helpful. I dealt alot with just hiding my depressed feelings and suicidal thoughts because I didn’t know why i was doing what i was doing in college and I felt lost and like no one understood but I didn’t want to share with anyone because i believed i was a burden. But that is a lie that too many of us believe. You need to talk to people. Friends, loved ones, a doctor or medical professional. And to people who don’t understand or don’t want any part, just move on. Because there are more loving people out there who want to help. We love you so much and we want to be there for you if nothing else. So much love to you! Hold fast
I relate so much with the video game thing (sorry this stood out instantly) for years and years I would sit and just play video games mindlessly for like 20 hours, sleep for 4 and repeat every day. When I have no one to reach out to and I want to get high or self harm, I will log onto a game to distract myself… I mean, I go to sleep 90% of them time which IS escapeism because I do it so much. However if I can’t sleep, I go to computer games.
I understand people pleasing. It can be so dangerous tho. Today I felt so bad. I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and the need to self harm… When I got into the stream of someone i love and he SAID “I’m so encouraged by you Kayla” instantly those feelings lifted because I’d made someone happy. If that hadn’t have happened, I’m not sure what I would have felt or how I’d been.
The fact you’re confiding in someone is amazing and I know you said you feel selfish about it, but actually… There’s a high chance you are helping them too. Being vulnerable like that will help them too feel safe to do the same… Maybe you’re even helping them through some things that they’re too scared to speak about.
Depression doesn’t discriminate - it can hit anyone at any point, regardless of how healthy/active you are… I think the workbook that HeartSupport has released focussing on depression and exploring it more called Dwarf Planet could REALLY benefit you. https://heartsupport-merch.myshopify.com/products/send-me-a-dwarfplanet-book < this link will send you to a page where you can get the book completely FREE. I highly suggest you give it ago - it takes a lot of work but I think it may really help you.
One of the really frustrating things about clinical depression is what you say right there: “There’s no reason to be depressed,” but still there you are feeling like crap. Sometimes it turns out you are depressed because you have neuro-chemical imbalances, and that is definitely something where medication can really help. So good for you for being willing to bring your situation to a professional, and thank you for being courageous and making this post.
As for medication being a bad thing, as someone interested in medical science you probably would agree that using insulin isn’t a bad thing for diabetics whose bodies don’t make enough, for example. There is often a stigma about taking medication for mental health from people who mistakenly see depression/anxiety as moral issues, or think it is “weak” to need help. I would encourage you to consider depression as a treatable health issue, by way of developing skills in emotional resilience, learning healthy self-care, and taking medication when appropriate.
I have been dealing with clinical depression for several decades, so I have a long history of experience with different types of treatment. If you need someone to talk to about any of this stuff I would be happy to listen - I am not a doctor and I don’t have the answers but I can share how things have gone for me, or just provide a sympathetic ear. You are not alone. You deserve good things, happiness and peace.
Thank you so much for reaching out, and welcome to HeartSupport! I hope you find a sense of safety and refuge within this amazing community.
I would highly recommend for you to check out a local, licensed psychiatrist in regards to how you’ve been feeling lately. They can help pinpoint what exactly is going on, and can help you feel better by doing so. I would also highly recommend for you to check out a licensed counselor/psychologist as well. They will provide you with the necessary tools to help fight back against your demons. I personally see a counselor and I feel SO much better after leaving the office every week. Although I’d encourage you to talk to someone in person, if you don’t feel comfortable enough doing that, there are always counselors waiting for you online, with one of the more popular websites being betterhelp.com.
You’re strong and we believe in you! Keep fighting, friend.
Guys, honestly thank you so much. I am in tears reading all your comments, I have spoken to the right people at college who have also suggested to use the sun lamp so I’ll see if the doctor can maybe prescribe one for me (I’m in the UK so we have the NHS). All of you are so beautiful and strong and I will definitely keep in mind all of your advice. I am going away this weekend so I’ll be meeting new people and I won’t be able to see any responses until Monday but once again, thank you so much ️
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