Today I cut my ex off entirely. When we were still together he told a lie, and I told him I forgave him. But it along with other things had been making me doubt. Today i brought up one of those things that made me doubt him and not able to trust anything. It escalated into a fight and we just stopped talking for good. I didn’t want things to end on a sour note. We still had good times and he was a big part of my life for a long time. The thing is tho, I worry that I won’t even be able to feel sad about this for long. I’m not able to feel emotions strongly and for a long time. And I was right. That was earlier today when I was feeling sad. I felt lost. Now, the feeling is still kind of there but it’s not as strong. It’s kind of like a shadow. I actually had to think about it to bring it to mind. I worry. I worry that not being able to feel things strongly and for as long as other people. I can’t feel sad for long or very sad. I can’t feel happy for long. Things that should bring me joy and used to are more predictable now and I don’t actively feel as happy as I used to. I recognize that this is supposed to make me feel happy tho or this is supposed to make me laugh. So I do laugh and I do smile. It just feels disconnected. My friend who’s known me for a good while says he thinks I’m not in touch with myself mentally. I’m also on social anxiety medicine. I dunno, it might be because I built a wall around myself and forgot how to be myself or it might be medicine’s side effects. I wasn’t always like this. When I was a kid, i was over sensitive. I moved to another country later and moving to another country gave me culture shock. I went through life on autopilot. It felt like I was looking and experiencing things behind glass. But that was also when I started taking medicine because I was diagnosed immediately upon arrival in that country. I’m gonna be seeing my psychiatrist sometime later and I’ll bring this up. But another thing is that, once or twice I seem to have random moments of awareness. Like the metaphorical glass isn’t there anymore. Like I’m coming up from air from being underwater. And that time I was thinking, I can’t believe all that happened and I worry what if I get a random moment of awareness down the line and I’m like wtf have I done? But something good did happen to me today. And I did feel happy and it gave me hope. but I worry what if that passes too. I’ll do my dang hardest to hold onto it tho. Has anybody else felt like this before?
I am reading several things here, that could have different causes.
You might be a chronic depressed, like me, in which case going on Youtube and looking up ‘black dog called depression’ might shed some light on it, because it did for me, or
You might have gotten severe trust issues, in which case I suggest you go talk to a professional, because that’s something I can’t help you with yet, as in, same here, not sure how to move on. I have found that in my life I am unable to forgive people, and things they did stay with me for a long time, up to the point where I just cut them out of my life.
The two might be related, I don’t know, I haven’t solved this yet, but I am walking right alongside you. You don’t have to acknowledge me, I am not asking you to hold my hand, or trust me, I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. People like us, if I can compare myself to you in a small way, exist. It might feel you’re alone, but you’re not.
kind regards,
Martin / ThatOldDutchGuy
I really appreciate it. I’ll look up the video and see if it sheds some light for me. I really appreciate your advice and you made me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you.
Here is the link. 
Thanks, Martin. I been busy with life so I just watched it. Some of these things apply to me. Like the memory, difficulty concentrating, devoid of feeling, and chewing up my confidence in social situations. Like I said, I have social anxiety disorder so comes with the territory. I’m really close with my friends and family emotionally. The fact that the black dog can be made smaller makes me feel encouraged. I hope you are doing good. I’m with you too if you don’t mind.
P.S. Anger is also one of the few things I feel that I feel fully. Along with anxiety. So another thing from the vid
Anger is born from annoyance that you cannot change the world around you to suit your needs, or that it isn’t going fast enough. Hold on, you’ll get there. 
Thanks c: Things have gotten a lot better lately.
Sorry about the late reply 
I thought I replied to this earlier.