I feel like my depression really started back when i was 4 and my Biological father walked out on us… he decided he wanted boys… not girls and found himself a girlfriend who had boys… his loss ultimately… All of his other kids have either ended their relationships by cheating, have abandoned their child then go off and have more with someone else… or have been in and out of jail… all except me… * so i always say i was better off without him in my life*
fast forward a few years…when i was 9/10 my mom remarried. at age 11 i was sexually abused by my “step dad” which obviously would mess anyone up they divorced…
a few years later she remarried again ( they are still married… hes amazing)
anyways for years i basically gave my body to anyone who wanted it.
i got into using drugs and drinking at about 17 smoking pot and drinking mainly
at 20-21 i used Ecstasy daily for about 3-4 months.
i continued with smoking pot until i got with my now husband, he explained to me how he felt about smoking pot so i decided id rather have him in my life than to continue to smoke pot. weve been together just over 10 years married just over 5 and have a 9 year old son. our relationship hasnt been perfect by any means. we have come close to divorce over stupid things.
april 1st 2010 my Grandma passed away, she was the glue that held our family together… since she passed its been few and far between when i see my extended family 
beginning of last year we had a really REALLY bad fight… we didnt talk for days… finally we locked our selves in our bedroom and just laid it all out… there was alot of crying ( both of us) lots of yelling… and even some laughs. but because of the main reason we fought… i slept into a really really dark place… had even contemplated taking my life. had letters written for my mom, my son and my husband even. what stopped me was the thought of my son finding me.
i had written a poem about it one day at work… like didnt even realize what i was writing it… i showed it to my husband and he broke down. he didnt realize how depressed I was. i dont have health insurance so cant get on any anti depressant meds or see a counselor, so im fighting it on my own
this year has been one of the worst years… my pappy. my rock for my entire life… passed away suddenly in april… 8 years and 6 days after his wife. its been impossible to get myself up from the deep depression his death sent me into…
and just as i was starting to feel a LITTLE better… i find out they sold the house… my extended family SOLD my grandparents house… It feels like they just erased my grandparents… like they didnt really matter… i feel like i dont know who i am anymore… i spent my childhood in that house… i know its just a house. and i know i still hold all those memories in my heart… it doesnt help.
sorry i know i ramble sorry if this was/ is hard to read…
i suck at talking. typing… etc…
(this is one of my most prized pictures… its the ONLY picture i have of my Son and my Pappy together my son was 1 day old in this picture. the woman in the pink shirt next to him is my grandma. i also only have 1 picture of her an my son )
