I don’t usually ask for prayers but right now if you have time I’d really appreciate them.
Today I worked the last day at my job and I still need to find a new one. I have applied and applied and I still need to apply for more but I pray and hope I will be accepted to work where my sister works at a daycare.
I applied there last year but I was not qualified at all for the job with only having a fast food job under my belt and literally just out of high school. I was awkward and anxious and just not ready. Now I have a lot more experience even with babysitting. I have learned how much I love kids and just want to have a positive impact on their lives, because I know how I have been affected as a kid.
I would really appreciate all prayers, and I hope to return the favor one day. Right now I am at the end of my rope honestly.
Sometimes I feel like with how I react to certain situations I may be dealing with more then just anxiety/depression. Or maybe it’s just becasue it’s been so constant my whole life of being put down when I’m happy or proud. My mom says just to stay strong but I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying.
Today my dad got mad at me for not doing something the way he wanted weeks ago- but it was just today that he brought it up. So I plunged into a deep depressed state; my mom told me that it was fine and just calm down but I don’t even know what to say. That’s not how it works.
Just don’t be sad. Yeah. Maybe I’m just too weak.
All I can think of is how much I’ve messed up; how last year I broke a friendship so much it seams not fixable. It was my fault and I know it, even though I’ve been told it’s not me I know it’s me. I remember so much of all the arguments and I can’t let it go. I know it was my fault.
I love someone but I don’t think it’s ever going to work out. The things on my mind have been sex and alcohol honestly. Can’t drink yet so that’s frustrating, sex isn’t really an option either because When I have sex for the first time I want it to actually mean something, not just becasue I wanted it.
I’ve been tempted to take my medication more than recommended and I fell for that wish once already, I almost did today but I didn’t.
When things happen like people get mad at me the thoughts I have are t logical. My dad gets annoyed with me and that turns into I deserve to be freezing even though there’s a blanket right next to me or I have gloves in my car; or like right now I deserve to be starving becasue I messed up.
I’ve been drowning myself in depression memes and basically suicidal memes. It’s like trying to put a bandaid on a gunshot wound- it doesn’t help, and if it does it’s for a minute.
I’ve said it before but the thing I relate to most is how a wound won’t heal unless you keep picking at it. I won’t heal unless I get out of this house.
It’s not that I don’t love my parents.
I just know that I need to heal. And staying here isn’t going to help. Talking to my mother about my suicidal thoughts isn’t going to help- I see it as like a mom talking to her 5 year old about her financial struggles- its just not the person to talk to about the situation.
I opened up to my sister and told her I literally wanted to die but I don’t think she knows how to help or just sees it as not serious; I know she’s been busy and dealing with a lot too and I’m not mad at her for it; I’ve been really open with it a lot lately and talking about it isn’t helping. I know I need to work on things, no one else can solve my problems except for me- right now I feel isolated and alone.
I don’t want to make it out like I don’t get encouragement from the community, I do, I just don’t feel it lately.
Im sorry for long post. Take care. Once again thank you for any prayers.