Alone,Need,Invisible, Unloveable, Failure, Disposable,Not good enough. These words are what I’ve either felt now or when ever I’ve struggled . But now I need . Need isn’t just I word to make myself look like a jerk or to take someone from another . But it’s I need it , I need them , I need this to be done and through with . I just want answers. I’m probably sounding like I’m selfish but writing this I’m not . So well here. Back in either may or June I started to seek a therapist out of the clear blue . Months later I started to be open I guess when I started to really struggle . I never really brought up my self harm because I don’t see that as my weakness anymore . But what is a weakness of mine is my anxiety and what I deal with outside of my mental health . The lady has helped me so much . I’m not myself or a better version of me without her or you guys . But rightnow I’m going through some tough crap . I’ve been having this feeling of I need . I need to get this out of my system . There was so much of last week I need to tell her about but I don’t know when I’ll see her next. So imma try to put this as easy as I can.
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Back around 2010 to like 2013 ish we’ve been seeing this guy who worked with , about who’s house we were going to and he didn’t bring this schedule up so I thought I’ll be going back to my moms and when we got back to the car my mom got told to keep her car locked and she witness me have a melt down and she wouldn’t do anything about it cause she was told to keep car locked moments later the dude and my dad grabbed my by the arms placed me in the car and I hit my sister (I don’t say that’s okay) because of how upset I was how damaged I guess I felt . Back then I didn’t know I was “assaulted”. But now since then I can’t have my upper back or shoulders touched without either feeling uncomfortable or having an anxiety attack . Mean while that same day my friend punched my hip and acts clueless and I am not falling for that crap and I open my mouth . His friend tries to say he’s joking but my friend isn’t joking . So yeah
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Then the Friday I had a melt down infront of the special needs kids because I got called down to the deans office and I thought I was gonna get yelled at but I didn’t . I don’t do well around people yelling . I may have myself under control for some yelling but when gets to much I break down because when I got in fights with my sister, as a the oldest but me being young back then , I’ll be the first to be yelled at cause I was the oldest .
I wish I can just heal I wish I can just feel normal again . I wish I just had all these answers I don’t have . I’m sorry this post is long I made bullet points of the main things I need to address . Well some of them. I just wish I was better and stronger .
-Ashley-