Long post…
Well. It’s been quite some time since I last visited this site. Sept. 18th I believe to be exact. I’ll get straight to the point here. Bluntly put I feel like either I am not trying hard enough, doing/exploring enough, or reaching out to connections enough, etc. the list goes on. Since my Sept. post. Things have gotten a little more darker with me. Recently, I found out that I did not get another job that I really wanted. It would have been a full-time position at my place of internship, First Avenue. At this point, I don’t understand why I cannot seem to move forward like I always dream of doing. I’m turning 23 on the 27th of Jan. but it doesn’t help. I seriously think I might be stuck and struggling for at least the next 10 years. Really don’t want to do that. Rather be cut short then struggle forever. Also, since Sept. I quit my part-time job in mid-October because my boss and I did not get along in the end. Endured some verbal abuse… from a female (not my first time).
Hate to say this but right now, but I am sitting on my bed at home, with no money in either account, a couple months behind on credit card payments and student loans, little to no motivation, not wanting to reach out to friends to drag them into my problems. All I have really is my music. My suicidal thoughts have come back full-swing and I’m really feeling serious. They come in waves but they crash harder. For the next week, my parents are going to Mexico. I have thoughts of writing a note, going to the hospital, or calling a hotline if I don’t think I’ll make it through the next week. The only thing keeping me hanging on a thread is music and my next therapy appointment.
My mind is really starting to question everything about even why I started pursuing such a difficult industry. There are a select few of artists/bands I would love to work for/with, but I fear it will never happen no matter how hard I try, work, network, etc. Family friends have told me to do a different route “for now” but how long will that “for now” be. Anger/frustration fills me to the core whenever I hear things like that.
Feel like giving up entirely. I really don’t know what else to do. Sick of telling my parents my thought process…like they’ll ever “get it.” Last year, when I went through a similar time, (slept until 2-3 p.m., didn’t want to talk to friends, etc). they knew I was going through a hard time, but didn’t want to help because it was like “walking on eggshells” with me.
I’ve even given up on religion/God. Feel like I am a mistake or was meant to struggle/suffer and not have greater things come my way.
Rambling at this point. If you’ve read this far… thank you. Hope I make it through the next week/month alive. If not, I really tried… and I’m sorry.
Expectations are your enemy. Expectations of others. Expectations from other on you. Expectations of your life. Expectations of the future. Expectations of yourself from yourself.
The E in Enemy is Expectations.
Be Strong. Endure.
Hey Kelly,
Reaching out is not always easy to do, so thank you for coming here and sharing your thoughts and feelings about what has been going on lately. I am sorry you didn’t get the job at First Avenue. I know how hard it is not getting a job you really wanted. It’s easy to feel discouraged and start worrying about the future when something like that happens. Having bills to pay and just trying to stay above water doesn’t make things any easier either. That being said, I want you to know how strong you are. It takes strength to keep fighting and utilize resources and reach out in order to get help.
I am very happy to hear that music and therapy are things that help support you and get you through. Even if you feel as though those are the only things getting you through, keep holding on. The fact that you are reaching out here at HeartSupport, and even having other resources planned should you need support and help while your parents are in Mexico, shows that there is a part of you that wants to keep fighting. Know that you can always come here for support during that time and any time as well. We are here to love and support you!
Although you may feel as though you aren’t doing enough, it sounds to me like you are doing quite a bit to help yourself by checking in with your emotions and finding things that you know help you despite the amount of stress you are under. That is no easy task, and I hope that one day you are able to celebrate the courage and strength it takes to do that. I find that we are hardest on ourselves because we know all of our flaws and weaknesses, so it easy to beat ourselves up and feel as though we aren’t doing enough, progressing enough or succeeding enough. So, although it is easier said than done, I would encourage you to work on giving yourself some grace and know that you are working to help yourself and that doesn’t have to mean that you wake up tomorrow and everything is better, because healing and growth will take time, but I know that you will make it through this. We are on your side and want to support and love you during the ups and downs.
Even when your thoughts are at their darkest, know that you have fought so hard for this long and you can keep going. Even though this life comes with hardships, disappointment and pain, I truly believe we were not created to live a life of misery. You are so very loved and I know you can stay strong and keep fighting. We love you!
Hold fast,
Hannah Rhodes
Kelly,
Oh man… I know how you feel… obviously, not exactly how you feel, but I get it. I know what it’s like to feel stuck, and to feel like you’re going to be stuck for life. It sucks. I hate that feeling. But I promise it can and will pass. I like to write out lists, like to do lists, I put things that will help me achevie my goal, but also small things. I like to include self car on my lists because when I get depressed I stop taking care of myself, and self car helps me sort of get back into the swing of things and back to a better state of mind.
I’m also overly familiar with working in the music scene and how hard it is to break into it, believe me, I am still trying to do that myself! But I would encourage you to just start small and try and make the connections that you can and then push on from there. For me it took me working two jobs, plus (as a concert photographer) shooting as many shows and talking to as many people as I could to get my name a little out there. It’s exhausting, it is, but I believe you can do it! And there are so many people who went to support you in that, we are here, we want to support you!! Don’t be afraid to reach out, we are here to help and encourage you.
It’s so hard to keep your faith when you’re feeling so depressed and so down, I know that. But Kelly, God loves you no matter what, and so do we.
I’m here for you, and I’m so so glad that you’re alive and here today. If you ever need anything, just message me.
Love much,
Hannah