This ED relapse is killing me

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I found help here when I was younger and feeling hopeless. Maybe, now that I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ll find help here again.

Ever since I was eleven or twelve years old, I’ve struggled with disordered eating and body image issues. Starving myself is something I’m really used to; after more than half a decade of on-and-off relapses, anorexia nervosa stops feeling weird and just becomes part of your routine. All these years, I’ve been completely alone in dealing with my eating issues. Somehow, I repeatedly managed to recover from them without any outside help. My eating patterns have never been quite healthy, but I was always able to deal with it… up until now. This time, I’ve spiraled out of control, and I’m way beyond being able to talk myself into eating again.

I don’t know when or how it got this bad, but I’ve barely consumed any food these past few months. On good days, I have one small meal consisting of maybe 200 calories. On bad days, I just don’t eat. I have a lot of bad days.

Despite significant weight loss, despite my hair falling out, despite watching my best friend break into tears in front of me because “You look so boney now and it scares me sh*tless…” I’ve been in denial that I have a problem. Up until a few days ago, I was so convinced that I was fine, I’d shut down anyone who tried to tell me differently. It took a near-death experience for me to admit that I’m not okay anymore. I’m not okay, and I haven’t been.

At this point, any sane person would see a doctor or therapist and get some help, but nope, not me. Because every time I even think about recovering, I get that little voice inside my head telling me, “Just lose fifteen more pounds, and then you can stop. Just keep going a little longer. When you’re skinny, you can eat again.”

So I’m lost. I’m miserable, all my friends are hurting because of me, and my body is beginning to shut down. I have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be free from this. I’m so tired.

Any form of help or advice would be appreciated. Sending lots of love everyone’s way.

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I have been to multiple different hospitals and seen girls with stories similar to yours. Of course everybody’s is unique, but I have seen a common theme. Those girls are absolutely perfect the way they are. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s absolutely true. Do you think you would feel better if you slowly got to a healthy weight and then just had a nice balanced diet filled with foods that help your body and light exercise if you’re feeling up to it? I have no idea how it feels, I struggle with body image but no ED, but I imagine the thoughts are similar to that mix of OCD and anxiety where you just naturally feel like it needs to happen. Bad habits can be broken, and replaced with healthy ones. I know it’s very hard and takes a lot of work, but that is truly possible for you. Think of the end goal. You could be happy. Is it more of you’re worried about yourself for personal confidence or you’re worried about what others think? Sorry if this is all over the place, I just want to help you out any way I can and this is the first time I’ve written a response on here. Lots of love your way, and I promise you will get the good karma you deserve coming your way if you just work a little and believe you can. Have a better day today. Baby steps.

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@meredith Thanks for replying. I hope you’re doing well.

Although it’s heavily related to body image and dieting, my ED isn’t about weight loss or food. It’s about control. There are a lot of upsetting and scary things that are happening in my life right now, or that have happened, which I struggle to cope with. Everything else is out of my control, but restricting my food intake means I can control something in my life. So even when my world is going haywire, I can at least control how my body looks and what goes in it. I think that’s why “healthy” weight loss doesn’t interest me the same way.

(Also, my doctor told me I’m not allowed to lose any more weight, and that applies regardless of how I lose the weight, so… technically, I’m not really supposed to be dieting at all.)

I do hate how I look, for sure. And I definitely worry about what other people think of my fat self. Like most other AN sufferers, I have this constant feeling of being too fat / too big / not good enough. So yeah, it’s tied to body image, certainly. But it’s ultimately not about that.

Thank you for your kindness. I’ll try to have a better day today.

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Hey. Thank you for posting and being so honest… Anorexia isn’t something I’ve personally suffered with but I do suffer with an EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) and I constantly get “omg you’ve lost a lot of a weight” etc which scares me as well. Anorexia however is something that my best friend has suffered with her whole life. When she relapses, she relapses bad ending up in hospital. However when she’s not there, she’s coping with it very well. She tries to just eat something small rather than meals, she’ll pick at some fruit or something during the day. I’m not in anyway promoting not eating so don’t hear me say that - but SOMETHING is better than nothing… I often have to have the people I love ask me if I’ve eaten and nudge me if I haven’t because I won’t do it out of choice. If your friends are hurting, it means they care. Please try and reach out to them and let them help you, I know it’s freaking hard, but you’ve said you WANT to get better and you’ve taken the first step in doing so by posting here. It’s time to take the next step and we’re here with you the whole way.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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@Kayla Thank you for your kind words.

I’m sorry I haven’t replied earlier; I’ve been trying to implement the whole “eat at least one small thing a day” strategy in my life. My success with it has been… varied? Physically, I’m feeling a lot better, of course, but I’m freaking out internally. I already gained like three pounds from this and it really scares me. The temptation to go back to fasting is incredibly strong.

I don’t know what to do. I hate this. I hate gaining weight, I hate being full, I hate food and I never want to eat again. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like a fat giant.

I don’t really reach out to anyone anymore. All the people I love have sort of given up on me.

Maybe I’m just beyond help.

(Edit: I just didn’t like the way one of my sentences looked so I fixed it lol)

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Hey @sunsetshadows,

Thank you for posting- I know it can be hard.

Please know you are loved even when you relapse- there is still hope. I believe in you- we all do.

It’s hard to pick ourselves back up when we relapse but that is what we are here for you and what friends are for; I encourage you to seek professional aid, there is help out there.

You are loved, you are important, you deserve to be here and to be happy.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)