I hate being ill. I hate it so much. My anxiety is screaming inside of me that it is making me physically ill - I went on a trip with my school last weekend and I was sick more than once because I only knew one person and the food was different to what I normally eat - I tried, I tried so fucking hard, but i was being pushed to eat more than I was comfortable with. I was quite literally starting to cry when they finally said that I didn’t have to eat any more if it was making me feel sick. Even a teacher who knows that my anxiety is really bad when I’m not in my normal places (like school and my hometown) but they still wanted me to eat everything. I don’t understand how everyone else managed to eat half a fucking chicken each and then a huge pile of chips. I had to leave the dining room and hide in the bathroom because the sight of the food still on my plate sat in front of me made me want to vomit and people were staring at me. But apparently my best efforts to not be sick is “not eating enough”. Its not like I was skipping the fucking meals, I had tried, okay?
I was having stupid fucking spasms down my arm and my right leg again and they’re getting worse since starting college this September - it’s affecting my ability to write sometimes, so my work is a fucking mess. I’ve ripped out countless pages to try and write them again whilst listening to music so I am calmer - they used to let me listen to music so I was calmer but they’ve said no this year - I kind of understand but at the same time, that was helping me remain calmer and made my work actually readable. The spasms are affecting my ability to play music as well and playing music is something I love and if I can’t play because of the spasms then I’m going to lose the thing that I love and the only thing I consider myself good at. I hate the spasms - they hurt and people stare at me and it makes presenting to my class difficult - I drop things because of it and I look stupid and I hate it. I’ve broken things where I’ve dropped them because the muscles in my hand have contracted and I even managed to elbow my best friend in the chest because my muscles contracted uncontrollably during a spasm. I hate my anxiety, it is ruining my life and they are refusing to let me take medication for it. I know medication is a last resort but the therapy sessions didn’t help and I have classes and lessons 6 days a week so even if it did help, I can’t go - they said they would kick me off all three of my courses if my attendance sinks. Anxiety is ruining my fucking life with spasms and feeling sick and its going to push me to the point where I am going to be so ill from lack of food that I’m going to be in hospital. I need this fucking anxiety to calm down and it won’t and my body is literally screaming. It needs to stop. I just want it to stop
Hi friend,
I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. I’m really proud of you for going on that trip even though you knew it would be difficult. You still went and you tried your best and that is amazing!! Anxiety sucks so much and I’m so sorry it is preventing you from doing the things you love. I hope you know we are all here for you and we love you so much! You got this! Take a few deep breaths and remember you are so much more than your anxiety. You are a wonderful human being with so much to offer and this anxiety is just one obstacle. You got this! Hold fast!
Taylor
Wow. I really get this. It sucks. But you are not alone and youre stronger than you know
I’ve experience a sickness similar to what you have (maybe not to the extent that you do). When my anxiety got to be unbearable I find music or walking had helped me. I use to walk in circles until the anxiety had died down. What fixed this luckily for me was a medication change.
I am sorry that you can’t write. If I might make a recommendation. If you can obtain a computer & software similar to Google Assistant. You could speak to text your work so your work would get done. I’m talking something similar to Alexa or Siri, but it allows to use your speech & voice as an instrument while the computer itself the tool. This will make the spasms somewhat moot. (I get lazy sometimes & use GA to speech to text my messages on my smartphone.)
My delusions, strangers, large groups all lead to stress and stress ups my anxiety. The way I deal with this is to control the triggers. For example, I know that strangers up my stress affecting my anxiety. To combat this, I find having someone I know with me has helped soothe my anxiety in such a situation. (Literally, I go to the gym. I have a friend come with me while I workout. Slowly I have been getting to know the other members so soon I don’t really need her to come with me.)
Another example is Groups: Large groups have always affected me. IN College I was alright with classes that ranged from 10 to 25 people. Next semester when those classes turned to 30 up to 45, I couldn’t handle it. (Not a Christian) I go to church. I never was comfortable with the number of people in the sanctuary. I would walk out several times to take breaks from the crowd. Fortunately, They had service on Saturdays. It was a big help to go from a sanctuary filled with about 1000 people to a Mess Hall with about maybe 20 to 50 people depending on the week.
Hopefully, I gave you some ideas about how to cope with your anxiety.