I felt like I was doing better. I know there are ups and downs. At this point I just dont care if I die. And to be honest that scares me. I dont want to go back to the low I was at in high school. I dont want to get to the point of thinking about suicide. Thinking about how I’d do it. But, I’m at the point of not caring. I dont care if I dont wake up in the morning. Or if I die in a accident. I’m out of control. Not physically but mentally. I cant control the demons in my head anymore. I’m afraid of the dark. I always think of the unknown things that are in horror movies. Coming out from under your bed and dragging you to hell. That’s how my mind is. It’s just like that fear… I cant control my emotions. I feel a little sad and I bawl. I get a little irritated and a switch flips. I changed after my dad died. Mom told me my dad did the same thing after my grandpa died. I kind of feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I just want to feel like I’m on solid ground. Yesterday was 11 months of my dad being gone. And I still talk to him every night. I pray to God for myself and my family. But I dont think he hears my prayers.
Always go with your morals, whatever you think is right go with it. It’s okay to not care, but remember you only live once. Surround yourself with things that make you happy. Remove the negativity from your mindset. Keep it positive, keep it real.
@blackhorizon, you are the most important person in your life. It’s you, and it will always be you by the end of the day. Don’t try to control the demons, burn them. Take joy in who you are, because you should care who you are. You are someone who has been hurt, but is still here, has fear, but still is sharing with us. There are ups and downs, but really, there’s just you. There’s nothing wrong with falling down, and believe there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re going through a tough time, and that happens.
Don’t be afraid. Your claws are sharp, and I believe you can hurt back whatever hurts you.
I’m sorry about your dad.