Hello all, where do I start? I’m 28 years old and I am lucky enough to have a career that any normal person would be elated to have. I should feel blessed and lucky to have this job, but the truth is that I wake up most days feeling empty and worthless and that what I do and my life in general don’t matter. I wake up with next to no motivation about getting any better at my job and spend the day going through the motions till I reach the limit of my contract hours then clock out and do all I can to avoid even thinking about work for the remainder of the day. I live alone, and don’t really have any friends locally (other than a couple people I work with, who honestly aren’t really people I enjoy spending time with). The people that I love and adore are too busy with their lives to even give me a call just to say hi, and I basically spend my free time sitting around hoping for them to do more than send me a meaningless text, which I understand is a completely unfair expectation for me to put on someone I care about.
On top of all this, I have a rare genetic condition that has resulted in several cranial tumors that have left my face/eyes/head deformed, they cause me measureable pain and discomfort, are a significant inconvenience in my daily living, and have clearly had a tremendous negative effect on my mental, emotional, and social well-being. I am preparing for my SECOND brain surgery in 8 years, which the thought of is already causing me stress for a number of reasons; in order for me to make sure this surgery is covered by insurance, I basically have to stay in a job that brings me more anxiety and fear of failure than anything, and since it’s only my second year in this job I’m worried that I can/will be let go for no specific reason.
I feel like my life/mind are just in constant conflict with each other over irrational fears and anxieties, or feelings of guilt and being inconsiderate when in reality I just want better for myself. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else, but I often feel like this world would be better if I weren’t here and I wasn’t such a burden on others. I just don’t even know what I’m fighting day to day for anymore. If anything, I wake up with genuine feelings of disappointment when I get up in the morning. I’m just exhausted of living. I figure I’ve done most of this to myself by getting stuck in my own head, but I don’t know who to talk to or who will understand.
I often find it difficult to put into words how I truly feel about what is going on in my life and in my mind, and I tried my hardest here. I probably haven’t even mentioned half what I’m actually dealing with, my mind just feels like a scramble egg right now.
I know things could be worse, but thanks for taking the time to read.