1 year on, and it was almost me in hospital

A year ago today a member of this community died from an overdose, and she was one of my best friends, someone I loved like a sister, and I’m struggling to accept it.

I still wake up every day and tell myself this is just a sick trick. That she’s going to come back and tell me that it was just a ploy to get some attention that got out of hand. Or that she’ll come back and say she just used it as a way to get away from life for a bit…

I get jealous of the fact she doesn’t have to live in pain anymore because the pain I feel is constant, and even worse now she’s gone. This sounds so selfish I know, but it’s the truth.

On top of all of this, 4 months ago, a close friend/colleague of almost 7 years took his own life, which added to the grief, and of course ended up bringing back the feelings of losing Katie. My driving instructor today told me he didn’t want to teach me anymore either. I guess it’s my own fault - I shouldn’t have booked in a lesson for today.

I ended up self-harming kinda bad today, and for the first time in the 16 years I’ve been SHing, I almost ended up at the hospital, however, due to the bus being late I just decided to clean myself up.

I’m just not in a good place, and I can’t get the support I need. I’m running out of fight, and I just feel like I don’t want to do life without Katie. I miss her so much, I can’t even explain how much it hurts.


I love you Kayla. You’re so incredibly strong and kind. I’m so sorry for your loss, my heart hurts for you. I wish I could heal your pain. You are worth so much to me.


It’s not selfish at all, it’s a valid and perfectly normal emotion.

When I was a teenager, my parents decided to put me in talk therapy for my drug addiction. I saw him for about 3yrs. He helped me stay alive, but a few years later in a moment of madness after surfing one morning… took his life on the beach.

Why was he able to help me stay alive, but couldn’t ask for help himself? This was about 25years ago and I’m sitting here in tears as I type this. I was so freaking mad at him and I still am… I can’t forgive him for not asking for help like he taught me.

Why was he allowed to stop the pain and I wasn’t?

So, yeah I get you and I really hope that you find the strength to overcome and heal. :hrtlegolove:



You are one of the strongest, most resilient and loving person I have the chance to know.

This entire year has been impacted by important losses and grief for you, and it’s not fair that you have to experience this. We’re never really prepared to face the brutal loss of someone so close to our heart. The fact that you are still struggling to accept the reality of Katie’s disappearance doesn’t make you weak, guilty or selfish. Waking up with the constant realization that someone we love dearly is not here anymore is one of the hardest thing that we, as human beings, can be met with.

I hope you know that how you feel, what you think, what you expect or the places where your mind guides you sometimes are absolutely understandable and valid. However, through all of this, you still deserve to be safe and find peace in ways that wouldn’t hurt you, even if it feels impossible when the pain strikes so deeply. It’s not impossible. But it requires an unfair amount of intention, one that sometimes feels like a betrayal towards the person we miss.

So many times I found myself wondering that if I find peace one day in this world and reality, then what about the love I have for the ones I miss? It made me afraid of the possibility to learn to live again without them. Pain was, and is, weirdly intricated with love. However, I’ve slowly learned that grief is synonym of transformation. An unwanted, uninvited and painful rewriting of our own narrative as we are still on this Earth. But one we can still choose to take a healthy and loving direction for ourselves, despite all the times when it feels like the pain is going to crush us entirely.

Taking care of yourself at the best of your capacity in the present moment is part of it. It will always be a way to honor the memory of the people you love, and actually one of the most beautiful expression of it, because it allows you to embrace the love they have for you. Day by day, little by little, you will keep learning and experimenting this transformation, at your own pace, but a pace we will all respect and follow with you. You will learn to hold to that love for two in ways that wouldn’t be damaging to you.

I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting so much, Kayla, yet still so grateful that you are here with us. As you said, there is no word to describe the depth of such pain. And that’s okay. Connections can happen beyond words. You have an online family right here to support you, still and always.

What you feel doesn’t make you selfish. It only makes you human, and it makes sense.

You are loved so much. Beyond words and beyond physical distance.

I hope you managed to take care of your wounds and to take it easy since this happened. Little steps, as you reminded me as well. These times and reminders are heavy and painful. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:


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