@Kayla,
You are one of the strongest, most resilient and loving person I have the chance to know.
This entire year has been impacted by important losses and grief for you, and it’s not fair that you have to experience this. We’re never really prepared to face the brutal loss of someone so close to our heart. The fact that you are still struggling to accept the reality of Katie’s disappearance doesn’t make you weak, guilty or selfish. Waking up with the constant realization that someone we love dearly is not here anymore is one of the hardest thing that we, as human beings, can be met with.
I hope you know that how you feel, what you think, what you expect or the places where your mind guides you sometimes are absolutely understandable and valid. However, through all of this, you still deserve to be safe and find peace in ways that wouldn’t hurt you, even if it feels impossible when the pain strikes so deeply. It’s not impossible. But it requires an unfair amount of intention, one that sometimes feels like a betrayal towards the person we miss.
So many times I found myself wondering that if I find peace one day in this world and reality, then what about the love I have for the ones I miss? It made me afraid of the possibility to learn to live again without them. Pain was, and is, weirdly intricated with love. However, I’ve slowly learned that grief is synonym of transformation. An unwanted, uninvited and painful rewriting of our own narrative as we are still on this Earth. But one we can still choose to take a healthy and loving direction for ourselves, despite all the times when it feels like the pain is going to crush us entirely.
Taking care of yourself at the best of your capacity in the present moment is part of it. It will always be a way to honor the memory of the people you love, and actually one of the most beautiful expression of it, because it allows you to embrace the love they have for you. Day by day, little by little, you will keep learning and experimenting this transformation, at your own pace, but a pace we will all respect and follow with you. You will learn to hold to that love for two in ways that wouldn’t be damaging to you.
I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting so much, Kayla, yet still so grateful that you are here with us. As you said, there is no word to describe the depth of such pain. And that’s okay. Connections can happen beyond words. You have an online family right here to support you, still and always.
What you feel doesn’t make you selfish. It only makes you human, and it makes sense.
You are loved so much. Beyond words and beyond physical distance.
I hope you managed to take care of your wounds and to take it easy since this happened. Little steps, as you reminded me as well. These times and reminders are heavy and painful. You are not alone. 
