That’s how long it’s been since I last cut myself and hurt myself that I just couldn’t stop myself until I was too tired. I don’t exactly remember why I lost control, but I’m pretty sure it was a combination of family anxiety, school anxiety, and the lockdown getting harder again because people weren’t keeping to the rules… it meant more loneliness and more locking myself away. Didn’t leave my house for the following weeks because I was scared some people would see or notice it if I accidentally walked into something. Also… I had failed again… this time I didn’t even last a full week so what was the point of trying again if I was just gonna f* up again?
“The point is to find the path out of this way of this habit.”
“There was a time you couldn’t keep this going for 1 day and now you did it for 7, that’s 6 more.”
“Do you realize that there have been more times that you didn’t harm than that you did?”
“Changing a bad habit is like finding your way through a maze. There will be moments that you hit a dead end or that you didn’t catch the signs in time, but through trial-and-error you will find a way through the maze and maybe there’s more paths that will lead to that endpoint”
Not my words, definitely not my thoughts at that moment, but some things other people have said and still say when I’m having a rough time.
I often tend to forget accomplishments or see them as something that’s “normal” or “expected”, so it doesn’t matter, but when I f* up, which I’ve been doing a lot lately, I just attack myself. I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not loveable, I’m unempathetic, I’m a waste of space and time. And if I’m really honest, I still do it, I still think that way. Because it’s easier to point the finger at my failures and to punish myself over them because I should be better and I know better, than it is to admit sometimes that knowledge doesn’t mean that you will do it correctly the first time. Pair that with “my accomplishments are nothing special”… gooooood combo, but maybe also a human combo… I dunno.
Just wanted to write some thoughts out, here and now.
Do I think I have my s-h under control?
Definitely not. Just a week ago I had to stop myself from bruising myself up because of bad news I received from school. I somehow stopped and focused my disappointment and anger on a bunch of boxes that don’t look so good anymore… Then I went into a game, but still, ever since I heard that news I just feel like it’s all my fault and that I should punish myself. I went back into hiding, thinking about the plans again… So, no, my mental health is not flourishing, but there’s also things that I did change. I am actively saying what I’m grateful for every day. Heck, I’m even doing that online to keep myself accountable. I feel like I’m more open with people when things are getting hard, although there still tends to be a wall on receiving positive reinforcement, it’s not always that way anymore.
I created a reward system for myself in which I can either reward myself at the end of the month for all the chores, schoolwork, concerts, and whatever hard things I did that month, or I can pay it forward to gift of encouragement for a friend (in the hopes it will make them smile).
There’s a lot of habits that are good for me to change and I’m not saying that I’m perfect or whatever, but I just created this as a reminder (mostly to myself ) that I am trying and that there is a positive change (however small it may be).