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Belongs to: Therapist gets Sober by Tool
3:50 this also, has deep roots in people who have been abused and suffer from it, be it trauma,PTSD, or a combination of things. We might not be lying about our substance use or abuse, but putting on a face for the world to hide our abuse and worthlessness. Just my thoughts as a physical, mental, sexual abuse survivor who developed Bipolar Disorder afterwards. This song used to hold so many meanings for me. Now? It reminds me of how I “masked” throughout my life to hide everything and make people think I was normal.
I’m not.
I’ve endured major trauma in many ways and at the ripe old age of 46 discovered I had a mental illness that possibly triggered from it. It probably directed my whole life. Only now, at 52 do I understand the subtle meanings of things that have resonated with me over the years. Artists crying out who had issues of their own that I could identify with but hid in a black box in the pit of my stomach until it almost cost me my wife and children. Then, through working with a psychiatrist, did I finally connect the dots of my issues and failures that continue still. Meds work only so much. Therapy is only as good as the therapist.
I wish I could find better so I could enjoy this last phase of life to its fullest. But I doubt after so many years I will.
Being fearful that there is no hope of a brighter future or that we’ve lost time is scary. Like is this as good as it gets or will I ever be able to make up for the time I missed? There’s a sense of panic that maybe we missed our chance and it’s too late.
The reality that we’ve spent years hiding our true selves due to trauma and not understanding why we feel or behave a certain way can hit hard. We wonder if it’s worth all the time and effort to find our true selves and then share it with the world. Will people judge us? Will they understand? Will they offer support? The what it’s can be exhausting.
I too am in my 50s and spent years overcoming what I now identify as trauma. I’ve felt overwhelmed and lost and hopeless. But I’ve also realized that I’ve learned so much and have grown. Resilience and strength develop through struggle. You are very insightful about yours and that’s a beautiful gift. Through music and other people I’ve learned that it’s never too late and each day can be the start of our next chapter. One that opens with wisdom and lessons from the past that can propel us forward. It can be scary but I promise you you are not alone. You have wisdom to share and your story has encouraged me. Reminding me I’m not alone and I hope you realize the same. I’m rooting for you and I believe the best is yet to come. Thank you for sharing! You are so loved!
It can take time to have insight into our condition and how we became the way we are. Your bipolar title can give you clarity into the highs and lows you have had throughout your life, and how your body and mind coped with your trauma. It can be jarring to realize something was influencing us our entire lives- like a bipolar diagnosis or past trauma wounds-- however now you have that insight with the help of your Psychiatrist which can help you move forward. Even still, you are doubting if you can live this last phase of life to the fullest.
I know what it’s like to have a mixture of mental illness symptoms and not quite know how to wade though it. It can feel complicated to know who to seek treatment from and what kinds of treatment, and then to doubt their effectiveness. Sometimes therapy is only as good as the therapist and then you’ve laid all your baggage out on the table only to leave it there because they don’t know how to help you unpack it and truly heal.
I hear the frustration you’re feeling when you describe wanting healing that will last the remainder of your life. You want real solutions that will help you live to the fullest. You ache for a vibrancy. That longing and discontent for more can be a powerful catapult into finding what works for you. Feeling like there night not be an answer out there could be like searching for a missing puzzle piece. You know something isn’t right, but you don’t know what it is.
feeling discontent with your level of healing is an amazing place to be. We never stop healing and growing on this journey of life. Your realization that there is more for you can launch into that “more.” As you keep exploring and reaching out and pouring into others, you will live this last phase of life to the full. That will happen for you as you keep pressing towards that healing. You have been through so much and haven’t given up despite how it has changed your mind forever. Your healing comes as you trust that every missing puzzle piece will come into place. I believe that as you seek it you will find it. Thanks for reaching out to HeartSupport!
I want to start off by saying that I am sorry that you had to endure all the trauma that you did throughout your life. You did not deserve to have that abuse put on you. You were never worthless and I am so glad that you were able to survive all of that so we are able to talk today.
Trauma is such a difficult thing to battle because sometimes you don’t even know that you are traumatized until it smacks you in the face. I remember when I first moved out of my dad’s house, I had thought that I had dealt with all the trauma that I faced while living in that house, but I was wrong. I was sitting on my couch mindlessly scrolling on my phone and it was like a glass had shattered in my head, I had waves of memories hitting me and then I realized that I had been molested when I was a child by my brother. I had buried that trauma so deep in my brain and I never realized what that memory meant, until that moment. It wasn’t until months and months later that I realized why that trauma had come up at that time, I needed to be out of that environment and away from the person that had caused that trauma.
It can absolutely feel like you are walking around with a mask on constantly when you are struggling to not only acknowledge the trauma that you have had to face, but also while you are learning to overcome and deal with that trauma. It can feel extremely lonely constantly wearing those masks because you sometimes feel that no one can really know and understand you.
I am so happy and proud of you for deciding to make that decision to get the help you need and to start the process of your healing journey. It doesn’t matter what age you make the choice to get help, it is never too late. I am glad that music was able to find you and lend you the voice that you needed to express all the things that you weren’t able to say. Music is such a powerful tool and is able to help so many people when they are feeling at their lowest or all alone. It helps us connect through not only our own pain, but also through the band/artists’ pain.
I have nothing but absolute faith that you will be able to get the very best help that you need so you can continue your healing journey and enjoy your life to its fullest. You are doing great work to recognize the different parts of your trauma and how to heal from them. Keep going! You’ve got this! Anytime you feel that you need some additional support, we will be here ready to cheer you on!