I lost my grandpa a couple days ago. It’s hard because this is the first death I’ve dealt with where it was a family member. It was the 3rd death I’ve had in 3 years. In 2016 I lost a teacher, 2017 it was a friend, now my grandfather. With so much death it makes me wonder if I’m better off alone.
Death is really difficult. Your story and situation is unique, but I definitely understand the feeling. You’re not alone in your struggle.
As for being better off alone, I’d say that these deaths have probably made you feel more alone and that doesn’t seem like it has been a good thing. A good therapist wouldn’t actually answer that question, but I firmly believe that no one is better off alone. Death is really tragic and difficult to deal with, especially if it’s your family and/or people you love, and the way it directly and indirectly separates people is not a positive thing. It doesn’t make things better. What makes things better from death is people honoring their memory, remembering how great of a person they were, and sharing all the positive aspects of their life with the world. You definitely have to grieve first, and that’s totally okay, and there is no time limit. But there is always some beauty in tragedy to live out in your own life.
Just try to remember that you are not alone, nor are you better off alone. We believe in you and you will be able to get through this. Stay strong <3