I think we all know the 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What not a lot of people will tell you though, is that you won’t go through these in that order. Very rarely will that happen.
I’ve been through depression and bargaining and I’m currently in anger. I’m so damn mad at her for how she treated me, how toxic she is for me, and for myself not realizing it soon enough. I want her to know what she did to me and how she made me feel, but I know I’ll never have that opportunity. I know I need to let myself feel.these emotions, but it’s hard knowing I’ll never have closure.
Maybe one day we can have a conversation again where we can lay it all on the table. Until then, I’ve blocked all her social media, phone number, everything. I won’t be angry forever but I can’t help it right now and I know thats part of the healing process.
All these feelings we have are natural. Remember, whatever you are feeling right now, it means you’re alive. You are here, in this moment and you are human. Let yourself feel that emotion. It won’t last forever and it’ll fade in time.
Well said, all of it. I agree, they seem to be cyclical, and intensify, or slow down depending on how much re-hashing needs to be done in order to get through all the stages.
Your awareness is beautiful, and quite courageous, I admire being able to accept the moment, I’m not always able to stay with the feelings. It’s quite the work some days.
Lots of words to say: wow, well done, and keep at it, I hope you see the end of anger and all healing that time can give you.
With Love,
Em Aspen
You are absolutely right. The five stages of grief should be called the 5 emotions of grief, without implying any idea of time or step by step process. Emotions are intertwined, complex, come in waves in ways that are unique each time, just because the situations we face are unique.
I’m so very sorry for the fact that you’ll probably never have closure with this situation. After removing my mother from my contacts, explaining to her that I couldn’t be in touch with her anymore because of our history of abuse and I was taking the measure of it as an adult… it’s been tough. She’ll probably never be accountable for what she did and how she messed up with her children. Just like you, maybe one day we’ll have a real conversation, but for now it’s impossible. And it hurts. Just not knowing where it goes and if, one day, there will be the possibility for some restoration, or at least acknowledgment of faults.
I wish you didn’t have to experience that in your own situation. The emotions that are tied to it are intense. But you also share such an important reminder: it is okay to feel, and it is okay to just let ourselves go through the motions of our own feelings. Situations like these are brutal and heartbreaking. With time, we learn to compose with them so they are not affecting our life too much. But until we get there, it’s okay to just stand still, let the tears, the anger, the helplessness exist, as it won’t be present forever. When we remove ourselves from the life of someone who had hurt us and was toxic to us, we grow. And by allowing ourselves to feel what needs to be felt, we make sure to not do the same mistakes and fall into the same denial as they do.
Proud of you @Edubd1733. Know that you are not alone on this chaotic road. At some point, you will find your anchors again. You have all that you need for it inside of your heart.
I went through this 6 years ago. A lifetime ago. I’m not mad anymore, but every now and then the lack of closure comes to mind. I want to know why, but I also know that no answer will make it okay. I want her to tell the truth about all the things I learned she was lying about, but I think that will just hurt more. I want her to be accountable, but to what end? What do I win by being in the right?
She apologized a couple times over the years, but it didn’t bring closure. The trust was so far gone, I couldn’t get past the feeling that she was trying to snowblind me again. I get close to acceptance from time to time, but I don’t know that I’ll ever get there.
For what it’s worth, each time I cycle through these feelings, they are less and less intense. Denial is gone, that shit really happened. I use my energy in new parts of my life (like a healthy marriage), so I don’t have enough left to be angry. Depression is something I cope with for all sorts of reasons, but talking about her hurts like a weeks-old bruise, so I try to avoid it (mostly). I guess bargaining depends on how you define it. I don’t want her back, but I want closure that I’ll never get, because no answer will ever satisfy the ever-deeper question “Why?” as it approaches existentialism. I don’t want memories of the fun times haunting me, haunting my marriage. I wish I could reduce her to mere fact, to just an anecdotal part of my life, like I did with the first ex. I haven’t reached sustained acceptance yet, but I have moments of it here and there, and the more I practice those moments the closer I’ll get.
As part of some recovery work I did and continue to practice, I need to sit down with her and have a conversation about this stuff. I’m not ready for it yet, and I don’t know when I will be. In the meantime, I’ve blocked reminders of her, and you doing that is the healthiest thing you can do. Good luck on your journey, and remember that the hills and valleys will get flatter over time.
