What an odd title right? But just wait by the end of this post it will all make sense. I started streaming again on Friday, I was so excited! It was something I told myself that I wanted to start doing again, because I enjoyed it and it gave me a lot of happiness and enjoyment. I had been streaming for about a year, but I had stopped recently just because of IRL stuff that was going on, but this weekend I decided to get back into it! So let’s be honest about what the title is about. 58 people in 3 days. I have a total of 60 people banned from my twitch chat, which to me feels like a lot, but what’s worse then that is I banned 58 of those 60 peoples between Friday’s stream and Sunday’s.
58 troll accounts in one stream, it was probably honestly only about 20 people maybe 25, but they continued to make more accounts, and my mods and I continued to ban them. I’m going to honest it was terrible. The terrible names I was called, the things that were posted and said. I’ve been very open and honest about this in the past but my nudes were leaked in October of 2017, and here it is now, over a year later, and guess what, it’s still happening. They were leaked in my chat last night, people made twitch names like dm__me_for_monkeys_nudes, and I knew they had the link ready to go and ready to spread, and it killed me. I muted myself, put on a brb screen on my twitch and sat in my bed and cried for a solid thirty minutes.
I was so frustrated and annoyed. I was like why are people doing this, why are people trying to come and start issues. Most of them I have blocked everywhere, because well they were toxic in my life, and I wanted to move on, but they weren’t ready to let me move on. They’ve known for a year the power that their words have over me, and it’s tough if I’m being honest. I was ready in that moment to end my stream, delete my twitch, and either a) end my life or b) isolate and never talk to anyone again. But through some private messages in discord, and talking with a few other streamer friends, I pulled it together and kept on streaming and made it through.
So I guess I’m here feeling confused and lost. In some sense I’m blaming myself for their actions because well, story is I “instigated” their actions by sending the pictures I did, which let it be known I regretted it was a bad idea and now I know, and haven’t done it sense. But what do i do? Where do I go from here? I feel like it’s going to be hard to build anything on twitch, when I’m constantly having to ban people, and it brings down my viewers because it’s a toxic environment.
Even last night when we were talking about heart support, and the community, and I was walking people through what the community was about and some of my story, that was when the trolls came in. And it was disheartening. Because I was like talking to people in my chat, and trying to encourage them, and then I had to stop everything to deal with trolls. I just don’t know guys, I don’t want to give up on streaming because it’s fun, and it gives me joy (when i’m not being trolled), but I just don’t know if I can deal with that every stream.
Sorry for the weird rant, just needed to get it off my chest!
Love you guys, Hold Fast, You’re Worth It,