A bittersweet day

Today I had to fight like hell to not self injure, and it was so freaking hard.

I made it through, but damn it was hard.

Today was one of the worst days I have had in a really long time in regards to feeling lonely and depressed and honestly this was the most I have cried in months.

Basically an hour and a half of screaming/crying about why life has to be like this and why can’t I just do this or that, and then hating myself because I felt worthless and like a failure and like I am never going to accomplish anything.

What I know is you have to fight to get through things, and I know it’s hard, and now I know it’s possible- it’s just hard. It really is.

I’ve also come to terms that damn am I jealous- and boy do I feel guilty about being jealous. It’s like you see things going right in other people’s lives and you think “why can’t that be me?” or “why can’t things work out like that for me?” I also am overcome with jealousy in regards to friendships- which I feel guilty admitting and terrible for admitting and feeling. I guess it’s kind of like a why can’t I be that important to that person kind of thing- or why can’t I be that close to that person kind of thing. I feel terrible for even having those thoughts and feelings and admitting them- but it’s just how I am I guess.

I know a job will come along- it’s just hard and I’m losing hope on it.

I’m still waiting for the day where I can say I love myself and I don’t have the urge to self injure when things get rough.

Although today was a crappy day, I fought the urge to self injure and didn’t relapse- so 3 days I think until I hit my next goal- I don’t know what other word to use than goal.

4 Likes

Sweet Lyss,

I am so proud of you for not caving into those thoughts to self injure. I know when all hell is breaking loose it is so tempting to just give in. But…you didn’t! That is so awesome, friend!

It can be hard when we see others succeeding around us and wonder, “Why not me?” But know that just because you don’t have what they have, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure or have less value. We all have our own journey. And even though I know I just said these things, sometimes comforting words don’t change our feelings. I know it’s hard.

Waiting for a job can be especially hard. Not just because we have thoughts of “maybe I’m not good enough” but also because we need a job to earn an income! I am in the same boat.

Keep pressing on. You’re doing amazing!

3 Likes

Things get better. You had a lot of good things happen too. For instance you fought the urge to self harm. That is something you should be proud of yourself. You are amazing to overcome that. It will pass.
You will get a job it may take a while. You are courageous and strong.

Hold fast

3 Likes

LYS. I’m so proud of you for beating that urge. I know you’re havjng a rough time and it makes me so happy when I see you achieving these things and holding on to hope. You’re an honest, beautiful person and your time will come to get a job and follow your dreams. It’s just right now, you are being given time to focus on healing and overcoming some of the obstacles. We love you. Keep fighting. We are here for you.

Hold fast
Kayla

1 Like

WOOO!! This is amazing @Lys! You should be SO proud of yourself! ~throws more confetti~

If you’re relating to seeing things on social media, I would recommend spending the least amount of time on social media as possible. I only really use it to check notifications, because what I tend to catch myself doing is comparing my worst to someone else’s best. All social media really is, is one giant highlight reel. And almost all Instagram posts are fake (i.e. they’ve been edited in some way, even if it’s just a filter). Heck, I just came across a video today of a company admitting that an Instagram Influencer that they control is 100% CGI.

Keep pushing! We believe in you!

-Eric

2 Likes

Hey Lyss! I’m really proud of you, friend! Rather than goal maybe milestone is a better word to use! I’m struggling with the same thing when in job hunting and its really important to call back maybe a week after sending in an application. Jealousy is a symptom of being human and it sucks. To cope with jealousy I often look at what i have that that person doesn’t, while doing this it is important to stay humble and not brag (not that you ever would. bud but it is worth mentioning). I love it when we talk, and i am super proud of you!
Let me know if there is anything I can do that might help you.
-Ethan

3 Likes

Hey @Lys!

Dude. I am so proud of you!!
Seriously, you’re incredible. One of the best things we can do in recovery is learn that we can actually do it - hold on to that.
When the urges come next time, think back on this time when you made it through.

It’s also so cool to read that you recognize your issue with jealousy and you are working through it. Keep working! I fall into being jealous of friends spending time with other friends and stuff sometimes and just have to work through it. You’ve got this!

Keep up this good work Lyss!

Hold Fast,
-SJ

3 Likes

@Lys I am very proud of you, girl!

You are very brave and fearless- if you could fight self-injury today you will be able to fight it in the future as well. Just keep this memory, this feeling with you and use it when it feels like the world is such a bad place sometimes. And it is- true, but you are not alone.

And do not feel guilty for feeling jealous. Jealousy is part of human nature- and I do think it is unfair that bad things happen to good people, while bad people can have such easy lives. But perhaps, endurance and building it through such hardships of life prepares you for a better purpose than these low-lives. I believe you are pretty awesome and are meant for really great things. Someone with your good heart must be.

I am here for you.

All love,
Soda

1 Like