I’m starting to lose the will to do anything. Everything I say, or do, is quickly followed by thoughts of how I’m not good enough. Or, I’m a burden and I’m annoying and I’m better off dead. I’m becoming more and more scared of asking for help, more so after today where I asked for help with something in Destiny 2, was told a certain time that the people would be free to help me, and they never showed up when the time came. And I was too scared to ask why. Too scared to speak up for myself for once and say Hey, I was here, where were you. Cause I don’t matter. Why would I? I let myself get excited over something, let myself TRUST these people. And it never happened. I let myself for once be vulnerable and say I needed help. And I just… didn’t get it. This isn’t the first time though, and it’s not just in this situation. It’s outside of games too where I just don’t ask for help anymore. I can’t. My mind won’t let me. I… won’t let me. I’m scared to be vulnerable around anyone in the real world.
I feel like I don’t deserve help. Like I don’t deserve attention, so I don’t really know why I’m posting here. Just to get if off my chest I guess.
Anxiety has been hell lately. Depression has been hell lately. Life itself… Hell.
I’m constantly thinking about harming, and the urge gets stronger each time the thought becomes more intense. I keep telling myself I don’t need it. But part of my mind wants it, wants to see the blood and just to see… the harm.
I keep forgetting to take my meds. I’m still on a wait list for therapy cause therapists don’t fucking care. Neither do doctors. It’s always the same thing. Every damn day. “Call back tomorrow” again and again. Doesn’t matter if I need help. I don’t even deserve it, do I?
I’m a waste of space. Waste of time. Waste of everything.
Nothing has been right since my dog died. Nothing has been right since… I just… I don’t wanna be here some days… I don’t feel safe some days. I don’t feel like I belong. Like I belong anywhere.
I don’t feel like me… I don’t even know who me is anymore.
I don’t like it and I don’t know know what to do.
I stay upstairs in my room and that’s it. Everywhere else just feels like… Like a cage. I’m trapped, but I don’t feel welcome. I don’t feel welcome, but I can’t escape.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t.
You’re never a burden and you’re not annoying. Some people possibly do not have the capacity to help in certain situations. I cant speak for them, though, but I do know not everyone is equipped to assist someone in need for certain things, even if they say they would help. I think you made a good choice to come here because this community really does care to listen and try to give any kind of advice and support you need. You DO matter and maybe one day we can get you to see that.
Vulnerability is such a scary thing. You don’t know the intentions anyone has with that information, you don’t know if they will stop talking to you. But just remember that isn’t something that you did wrong. Not everyone deserves your vulnerability, but it is necessary to explain how you feel and try to get the help you need. I think it’s wonderful that you made a choice to come here and post this for all of us to read and let us support you in any way that we can. Just remember that there are resources that aren’t doctors offices or therapists who don’t seem to have the time of day for you. Sometimes even finding a therapist that is good for you takes work and time. We all know that the good things in life are worth fighting for and aren’t just handed to us.
I’m sorry to hear about your dog. Loss is always insanely difficult, especially when you feel like you lose that special connection. I don’t know if your dog was in any kind of pain or passed in old age, but if you can try to think of the positives, it may put you in a better place on that subject. If they were in pain, just know they are not suffering anymore and have passed to a better place.
You deserve help. You deserve space in this giant universe. You deserve someone’s time. You deserve everything and anything. Start with setting a timer every day so you can take your medication, especially if it is something that helps you. Getting up and out of bed, taking a shower, taking care of YOU can make you feel a little better. Sit outside, even if it’s just for a couple minutes. Try a few more the next day. Then try taking a walk after that day.
Please stick around <3 You are loved.
I’m so useless and worthless. I’m losing the will to keep going.
Feels like no one cares sometimes.
We care. That’s why you posted here. We care about you and we want you to feel better. You’re not useless and you are not worthless. Those are lies. Try your best to take your meds. Set reminders for yourself. If they’re meds for depression the skipping might be the cause for this.
A few tips for when you want to self harm (some of these are just for cutting):
- Candle technique. Grab a spare candle and use the harming implement on the wax (works for either cutting or burning). Both satisfying and calming.
- Red line technique. If you want to cut, instead use a red pen or Texta to draw lines.
- Art technique. Draw wherever you plan to hurt yourself. Can be anything.
- Ice technique. If you want to cut, rub an ice cube where you plan to.
- Eraser or paper technique. Stab an eraser with a pencil or rip a piece of paper.
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