A different perspective

So about 2 hours ago I wrote a sad post asking for some love. And I came with the idea that maybe I should try a different approach to get encouragement.

So I am gonna share my history of the past 7-8 months to now.
And btw sry for the misspellings, I’ll do my best to be coherent in my writing.

I want to start there because that’s when I fell into what I think was my biggest depression and hopefully my last. It started over a girl I study with, a friend of mine was faster than me and hooked up with her in front on me… I tried to be rational about it and let it go. But I couldn’t and that was the trigger for me to start losing control of myself, I wanted to reach to her and say that everything was cool between us but I swear that my body wasn’t responding I could see myself paralyzed and that started a downward spiral of negative thoughts and blaming myself and shit and memories and before I knew it hell broke lose inside my head. Literally I remember being sit in class and have this images in my head of everything in my life crumbling before me while I desperately tried to hold to them in vain, I knew I hit rock bottom… and it continued on for weeks l, it was horrible… somethings happened in between that time but I am trying to focus on the most relevant things. In December I learned to dwell with my feelings, I think I have a couple of post from that time. I remember walking around feeling so sad that I could just scream and broke in tears…

January arrived and I still had to deal with 3 weeks of tests in college and seeing again the girl to whom my nervous system would go kamikaze.
I lost it, it felt like hell on earth, around the 20th day I decided I was gonna commit suicide, I was gonna drive the car full speed in the highway and throw myself over the barrier. I was serious I had always thought about suicide but never like this. I was scared because I knew I was gonna do it, so I came here and someone replied with a video of claytong jennings, that night I cried myself to sleep. Woke up next day devastated, like I was already gone but somehow still here… went to college and everything felt like a dream, I was like a ghost, a shadow, idk how to explain it, it was so surreal…

Then a friend texted me, the typical hi how you doing? I replied bad, I am feeling like shit…

A couple of days later he told me to go for a walk with him. He tried to make me talk but I couldn’t put in order my thoughts and speak coherently. I remember getting drunk and crying a lot, he shared with me his dark past, he had been interned in a hospital because of depression. He said he was gonna get me help…

He tried to get me in touch with God, but it wasn’t for me. I still resisted to the idea of God…

He took me to a 12 steps support group called CoDepentents Anonymous (CODA). I liked it, eventually I started going to all their meetings alone…

Finally by February 21 (my birthday) I managed to get half the money to the pay the therapist he recommended and he paid the other half.

Everything changed from there. After two hours of getting to know each other she, the therapist, invited me to a relaxation exercise with an audio before moving to an exercise to see if I was fit for the therapy they do there, bioenergetic therapy. And I cried the whole hour of the relaxation, I knew I was in the right place and things were gonna get better now, I knew it inside of me and I cried because of that…
Told my dad about it and he agreed to pay for the therapies.
The next four days, just like that, I was doing a 7 hour daily group bioenergetic therapy.

For 3 weeks all I did was focus on myself and heal me.

I discovered hiking barefoot is one of the most incredible things in life.
I was opening myself to God.
I stumbled upon Jordan Peterson’s videos.

And then it happened, the 11th day of March I broke down for good. I was in the group therapy, not bioenergetic, this is where we have a one on one time with the dr. But we are all there, listening and resolving our own issues trough someone’s else experience.
I was incredible enraged by the moment it was my turn to talk, you know when you are just irritated/pissed off/ hulk mode, for “no reason”. Well, that was my mood that day and I didn’t thought trough my words, I didn’t held myself, I didn’t plan what I should say next. I just started telling that to her, that I was feeling immensely furious, all sorta of synonymous for it, then I started shaking, my whole body was shaking and I didn’t try to calm me, something about it felt right, I tell to myself that I was aligned with myself and life in that moment. So there I was shaking and venting my rage through words, and then she didn’t try to stop me but to conduct me through it, and my anger became sadness, pure painful sadness… until she knew I had come to the point so she asked: why are you so angry? Why are you so sad?.. and it hit me, like I always knew it inside of me, memories started to fill my head, I replied: my parents don’t love me. It took a few seconds for it to sink in. And then I shaked even more and sunk my face in my hands and cried… it was a descent to hell… again… but this time I rose from it immediately…

About four days after started the lockdown.

I felt lighter like i’ve never felt before in my life, I knew I wasn’t the same, I am not the same.

I thought quarantine was bad because I still need more therapies to dive into that feeling even deeper, I needed coda and my mountain. But truth is that with the quarantine I had extra time to see Jordan Peterson’s videos and audios, which are life changing, learned about fasting, learned qi gong and a couple of breathing techniques exercises that are awesome.
I also found out about Non Violent Communication from Marshal Rosenberg, 100% recommended.
Alan Robarge attachment traumas videos on youtube are gold.

Now I am back in college online mode and is my top priority now but my routine involves yoga, qi gong, 17/7 fasting daily (great resource for fighting depression and anxiety). Calisthenics, I listen to J.P. podcasts daily, and other great minds.
I feel like I am in a road to success and living a meaningful life, that I am gonna do good for me and others, I picture myself working to make the life of others better. And I know I just started to fix my life but I can’t wait to see where I am gonna be in a couple of years.

And well… everything hasn’t been perfect. Better, definitely, but I still struggle with my depression striking out of nowhere. I got involved with a girl and triggered my codependecy… I don’t have all the answers for my troubles. And is still hard, but I am smiling you know? So yeah…
I can’t wait to the next bioenergetic, I am gonna be fasting that day and the experience will be awesome I am sure.

Meanwhile I am bettering myself each day.

Please look into the info I talked about if you are suffering and want to make something about it.

And thank you for this little huge space where I can share my history safely. <3!


Geeeeeeeeeeeeez…@cupofcoffee DUDE…this is sooooo huge!!! What an incredible journey you’ve been on in the past six months…a few reactions…

  • wow, what an incredible friend you have
  • you’re so brave to face all you’ve faced and /lean into/ it
  • that moment about realizing it boiled down to being unloved…fucking brilliant

I’m curious how you’ve been handling realizing the root of your struggles – what have you done with that category? Feeling unloved? How has that affected your relationship with your parents? How are you doing underneath all of the positive coping strategies – how’s your /heart/?

So very proud of you.


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Hello Nate, thank you for taking the time to read my post, i know it was long even tho i tried not to overextend unnecessarily.

I know, it’s exactly how it feels: huge steps in short time, but i know i still got several work ahead of me and it’s normal to feel down from time to time.

Indeed, i am very lucky and grateful for having him in my life.

Thank you, it hasn’t been easy at all.

This moment… oh this moment will live forever with me the rest of my life. I didn’t unfold it completely for the sake of keeping the whole post readable. But i imagine to anyone reading it sounds like a fairy tale stuff, but i assure you that the experience was the most spiritual i could think of. I feel like i went so down to the roots of hell that now i can see clearly life, although i am not as fully aware as i could yet be. And all the information i have been stumbling into the next months after that, helped me put the pieces together, like i know for a fact emotional traumas exist, i know what is like being unloved, ignored, neglected, mocked off, etc, all in the root of your home when you were a child. No wonder why there are so many people suffering.

It’s been hard you know, i couldn’t fully let out all the pain i had at that moment because it wasn’t a bioenergetic therapy, it was a sit and talk group session, so i couldn’t express all my repressed pain and i took that with me during the quarantine, but anyways i don’t think you deal with that in only one session.

The firsts weeks i felt so weightless, so peaceful yet in pain, the pain of being unloved would strike me out of nowhere any moment and i would just shed a couple of tears; i cry almost everyday still lol. I had changed, and once you change everything change, i could notice shifts in the mood of my dad, in his way of thinking and all, i guess my change would show by itself and my dad sensed it and so he also did little improvements. I still can’t trust him, i am just unable to share with him, we have a very distant relationship, he ceased trying to connect with me about one month ago, i would shut him down in any possible way, i just don’t trust him; but one day i might.
My mom is the real issue, man she is so evil, i can’t believe how blind i was my whole life, like she is really evil, yes my dad beated me up, mocked me, was the typical villain you know, that’s easy to work with. But the seeds of evil and resentment that woman planted on me, she really fucked me up, i resent her more than my dad, i know i shouldn’t, and i have come up with a couple of thoughts to help me face the reality but i still haven’t come with that right thought that will set me free of that unhealthy resentment. About two weeks ago i came with the idea that i had to move out from my home, it’s time, i’ll end up this semester than i’ll work deeply on my healing during vacations, then college again, and after that semester i’ll look my way out of this house for good. It’s just too unhealthy living here, they are so neurotic, their relationship makes me feel depressed, the environment of the house is too much for me. I try to keep myself together, my energy stable, be healthy, eat properly, exercise, but ultimately i am dealing with inner stuff that i need to heal and is not easier if the outer is also fucked up.
My heart is grieving, my heart knows there will come better days for sure, my heart needs love.

Thank you, really, for taking the time to read and making those questions. You are a blessing.

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