You don’t have to respond to this.
I’m not sure where I went with this. I’ve never had the opportunity (or the guts) to talk about anything like this with anyone, especially in person. I feel as though I’d be judged for even questioning it. I seriously hope you didn’t mind this though, I don’t want to bother you or upset you or anything.
I was born into the faith. It feels like nothing to me, honestly, which might be disheartening to hear, but it’s the truth and being genuine is most important. I grew up surrounded by it. It’s like how when you see something so often, your mind fades it out and you forget about it. It’s similar to that. It was like I was born and expected to understand it and accept it and be faithful.
Of course I’m not, but isn’t that sinful nature? Doesn’t justify it, but it’s a fact.
My past counselor told me that after trauma, people tend to stray away from their religion. I suppose that happened to me, but I was never that religious to begin with since I was born into it and it became almost an expectation. I feel like I was abandoned, left to fend for myself in a world of chaos. And it still feels that way. There’s no safety from the world when I’m my biggest danger.
I’m one of those people that likes to have knowledge and evidence before making a conclusion on something. So, I’m always searching for answers and information, anything I can get. I want to understand everything and I simply cannot do that when it comes to an infinite and incomprehensible God. I know this but I still can’t accept it. Maybe I have walls up, which is stupid, but I don’t know.
There still remains that expectation of loving Christ and being a faithful Christian, but what does that even mean? I feel like that could differ slightly based on personal experience, but I’m probably wrong. But if so, that makes humans an unreliable source for information. I feel as though no one can answer me because even they don’t know. But then again, I’m probably searching for answers that don’t exist. In my eyes, I’m a disgrace to Christianity. Not to God since he’s forgiving, but to Christians, especially because of my bad coping habits and the assumption people have of my sexuality.