A lot all at once

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i work for a place that runs an after school care and holiday program for kids aged 4-12. its winter break here in nz, so holiday program is running this week and next. recently there have been a few staff members leaving for various reasons, which means some of us have needed to take on extra shifts while they get and train new staff. cause i’ve been there the longest my manager (who only started like 3 weeks ago) has been pairing up the new people with me so i can show them what to do, etc. mostly im ok with this, though it is stressful being the main person in charge of the kids and also keeping an eye on the new person.

found out yesterday that the manager has got covid so is now in isolation, then this afternoon another 2 staff members, one new, have also caught it. got a message on the team chat that says we might need to be “a bit more flexible” with our shifts this week and next. i have chronic fatigue syndrome, so im only supposed to work up to 9 hours a week total, so normally i do 3 hours, 3 days a week. during holiday program i tend to do a few extra hours, though by the end of it im pretty much exhausted, and it can take me a couple weeks into the next term to get back to my version of “normal” while i do my regular shifts. 2 days into this week and ive already worked 9 hours. i have another 4.5 hour shift tomorrow, and now being told they might need me again thursday or friday, or both. they are aware of my medical conditions, including the anxiety, and do their best to work things out in a way that doesnt impact me too much, so if they are asking me it means its a last resort and they dont have anyone else who could work. our work is with kids, so they cant just get another new hire, and they have to have at least 2 staff on at all times, 3 if we get bigger numbers of kids. if i dont go in and work the extra shifts they’ll have to shut down for those days. which means a bunch of parents/cargivers needing to find alternate care for their kids, or take time off work, likely unpaid. the company loses a bunch of money, when things are already tight.

im already really tired. i know that sounds pathetic, like a kid whining excuses. tired is my normal. on a good day it feels like im walking around with heavy chains around my shoulders. on a bad day just walking from one end of my flat to the other feels like a marathon, every muscle and joint screaming at me with each step. a mix of anxiety and seasonal athsma makes it feel like i have ropes tied around my lungs. this all sounds like over exaggeration. its not. i can do these extra shifts if i need to. it’s not really a choice anyway. if i said no then id just be throwing guilt ontpo of everything else already running around in my head. ill do it if they cant get anyone else. it’ll be hard but lifes hard so you just keep fighting and stay strong and dont give up and all that stuff.

i have family arriving this weekend. they just kind of announced that they were coming, as a “nice surprise.” i dont like surprises, i like to be able to plan for things and prepare. but they are family so im supposed to be glad they are coming. they arent sleeping here, they are staying at my mums place, but theyll still be coming around at some point. and the kids (my nephew and nieces) will be staying at my place for a few hours sunday night cause they have organised a “girls night out”. im a girl too, but i guess they needed someone to babysit. my house is still a mess cause ive been struggling to keep to the schedule lately, and when i get home from work i am too exhausted to tidy, or cook, or do dishes, or whatever. but i cant let them see my house like this so tomorrow after work ill just have to do it. ill feel better when its tidy anyway. probly. maybe.

i dont know why im typing all this. its all just a mess of words, sorry. i dont know what the point is, its like im on autopilot. it doesnt change whats happening and what i need to do. i have to do the right thing and be the responsible grown up and get things under control. and anyway what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right. all part of being an adult, doing stuff even when its hard. i dont unnderstand why it has to be hard all the time. am i really so pathetic that evry little thing in life feels like another boulder added to my back? im in my early 30’s, i should be better at this by now.

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Hey @kikorangi_ruru

Oh my friend, I am quite well known for giving tough love, but its not always easy and I am not a tough person by any means, quite the opposite actually. But sometimes in life thing happen that get you to a point where you have to be tough and one of those things is when it comes to taking care of your health and I don’t mean go around all guns blazing shouting the odds at everyone but when people are aware that you have health problems then there should be certain boundaries that should not be crossed and in an a bad situation like at work the boundaries need to be pushed a bit, there needs to be a decent discussion where a new boundary can be set that suits you first then them, its unfortunate that they are having troubles because of staff shortage but that is part of being a workplace, there must be agencies that can come in. If you are unwell and then unable to work yourself afterwards who pays your wage?? Its lovely to care so much about all the other parents but sometimes you also have to look at your own situation.
The same can be said for your family really, you say they are aware of how you feel and that you already work so I am sure that they will be understanding if every thing doesnt just fall into place for them when they surprise visit ( i hate surprise visits too) to be fair, it is probably worrying you far more that it worrys them, they love you and are just happy to see you.
You know it would be lovely if you could try to give yourself a little more grace and perhaps look at things and think “well if it doenst get done today, ill do it tomorrow” that wont make you a bad person, it makes good at organising.
Put those awful boulders down and walk lighter, they are guilt that you do not deserve or need to carry.
Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. xx

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this was from a couple days ago, ive already done the extra shifts. i live in small-town new zealand, theres no agencies in my town for childcare. i was the last option. either i did the shifts, or they closed for those days. so either i worked and got extra tired and sore for a while, or it would have cause issues for a whole bunch of other people. there was no way i could have refused to work, then gone home and rested easy knowing i put my own comfort above so many other people.

when it comes to the family members that are visiting, i had good reason for trying to get things better. it was my boss that i said understood about my medical stuff, not the people visiting. my mum, dad, brother, etc, they all live in the same town as me, its extended family that are visiting. one in particular, my aunt, has disliked me since i was a child. she knows about my chronic fatigue, and my job, but not about my mental health because no way am i giving her that ammunition. when told about my chronic fatigue syndrome, she refered to it as “chronic laziness.” she often asks when im “getting a real job” because according to her im just a babysitter and “any spotty faced teenager could do that job”. the only reason she would be happy to see me is to get more reasons to tell people what a waste of space i am. before she even got in the front door she was commenting on the fact that my windows were dirty. spent hours cleaning the house but i forgot to wash the friggin windows, and “surely someone who barely works, and has no children to care for, should have time to wash their windows” the others are ok, its mostly just her. i dont know what the heck i did as a kid to make her dislike me so much, i certainly cant remember ever being rude or disrespectful. though i am pretty socilly awkward so i guess i did it without realising. at least its only for a couple days, and they arent actually sleeping here cause i dont have the room, they are staying at my mums place. just a couple days then i can start trying to pick the pieces back up again.

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I am so sorry your aunt is treating you that way. I don’t get why she has to be so cold and callous about things, especially since you are physically ill and cannot control the way you feel. Her words are coming with intentions to hurt you, they are not coming from a place with love. I hope you are able to filter out her words, I think the more she sees it getting to you the more she’ll keep at it because she’s trying to hurt you. Do your best to not give her that satisfaction. She seems like she’s not too happy with herself or her situation either so she needs to bring someone else down with her, I’m sorry she has her sights set on you. Just take comfort in the fact that her words are not true, you know the truth about your situation and how you are doing your best!

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Hellosusieqzz is correct about trying to take comfort in knowing that her unkind words are not based in fact but clearly just said to hurt you and if they do then she has done her job so try your best not to allow that to happen, she sounds like a bully to me. Personally it wouldnt matter to me if she is blood family or not, she would not be welcome in my home, If its not clean enough for her, why on earth would she want to be there anyway right? its a stress you do not need in your life. Please do not look for a reason that you did something that made what she is doing in the slightest way acceptable, its rude, its unkind and she should not be talking to you like that. YOU DESERVE BETTER because you are better. Much love Lisa.x

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its hard, ignoring what she says, when so much of it is the same as what im already battling with in my own mind. those thoughts just getting louder and stronger when theres someone standing there agreeing with them.

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and now covid. ontop of evrything else. i just want to sleep but my whole body is aching and i cant get comfortable. im terrified im going to end up in hospital. all the noise and lights and smells and people. anxiety going up just thinking about it. and i wouldnt be able to have a support person with me, they arent allowed in the covid rooms. im a mess, im not strong enough for this. i cant anymore.

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@kikorangi_ruru

Hi Friend, just checking in to see how you are doing? I hope you are feeling a bit better? I really hope those thoughts have calmed a little.
Its clear that every case of covid is different for every person and I am hoping like most these days it is on the milder side for you (however I do understand its is still very unpleasant) Im hoping it means it hasnt required any hospital treatment? I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I was on a stream on Monday and one of our friends mentioned something called Brown noise. It is meant to quieten these thoughts down and relax you, there were quite a few people in the chat saying how amazing it was so ill pop a link in here if you would like to try it, I havent yet but I intend to. I hope it helps friend and I also hope you soon feel so much better. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. :green_heart:

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