A No-Good Individual on the Brink

To get the important part out of the way up front, I have considered suicide seriously for over a year, and while I have no plans to do it soon, I may not last another year. I am a 29 year old male, isolated, apparently unemployable, and in a situation that is actively worsening with every passing day.

I have few friends (fewer than five), most of them I only know through the internet. This circle has grown smaller through the years, especially the last as my hopeless desperation is hard to hide and clearly makes people uncomfortable. I even attempted to discuss this with a “friend” I had known all my life, and he said nothing and cut all contact with me.

My social problems started in adolescence. I was never a popular kid, but at the start of 8th grade, I found that I couldn’t relate to my classmates at all. After that I talked to no one at school, and no one seemed to want to talk to me. The anxiety brought on by these difficulties led me to skip school almost every day. This, I suppose, created a negative feedback loop, with long periods of isolation further atrophying my social skills.

I barely squeaked by 8th grade, but ultimately dropped out of high school not far in. At the time, I had no interest in improving my situation, and I figured I would eventually kill myself after losing my home or things simply becoming too unbearable, whichever came first. Eventually, I enrolled in a crappy public college, I couldn’t afford anything better, and graduated earlier this year.

Which brings us to today. In the six months since I’ve graduated, I’ve had one job interview, which naturally I never heard back on. I have a part-time job at my alma mater that will never go anywhere, and part-time means REALLY part time – I currently work 10 and a half hours this semester. The field I studied in, computer science, means potential employers will see me as considerably less desirable the longer I go without landing a job, and it’s hard to imagine less desirable than one rejected interview in six months. Not only that, but I have no interest in doing much of anything, let alone pursuing programming projects of my own, so my skills are getting rusty. I don’t think I could pass a technical interview today. It is not unrealistic to conclude that I will never land a career in software, and I don’t have any idea what else I can do, if anything. Most job descriptions don’t call for depressed losers.

In a few weeks, I’ll turn 30. I have no one and nothing to look forward to. I live with my mother, and aside from the guilt I feel for taking advantage of her kindness, she can’t really afford to support both of us and keep up with the rising cost of rent. If push comes to shove, we could even end up being evicted. Realistically, my situation is going to get worse very quickly, it has gotten worse over the last year, and I’m too dysfunctional to fix it. I often hear that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when the majority of a person’s life has been generally awful, and that suffering has been almost wholly self-inflicted, then is the problem really temporary?

Hey friend
My heart goes out to you. You have definitely been through things that are hard, BUT you have gotten through them and for that I am proud of you. I know that things look bleak and there is a real element of concern for some of it, but you are already doing what most don’t in your position-you’re reaching out for support. I know that your friend circle is small, but HS is full of people, genuine people, who love and care and we are no doubt with you in this now. So thank you for posting and being open, that’s incredible. I can relate to some of the life circumstances you have been through and are currently facing, including how you have felt at times. If I may, I’ll share a bit and I hope you find that you aren’t alone. You are seen. You are heard. You matter and I’m glad you are here.

I’m 31, disabled, unemployed, a full-time student, living with and supported by family for the time being. It isn’t easy. For several years now I was in a depressive pit where I saw no hope. I drove friends away, thinking it was for the best since i was seriously thinking of ending things. Not all left, and I have had some friends stick closer than I ever imagined. This past summer, I was in a place I felt lower than before. I reached a point of being ready to finally end it. A friend of mine would not let me give up and introduced me to HeartSupport. Through my friend, her husband, and HS, somehow I made it. Better days eventually found me. I have felt freer and I know a lot of that was through trying different things that are positive like therapy, getting out more, and doing things I enjoy that I neglected. I am also a Christian and believe in the power of prayer, community, and hope of what God can bring through His provision. Though I believed at my worst, I also experienced incredible doubt that extended beyond beliefs and into doubt that I could ever be better than that moment. It takes a lot of work and thought reconstruction. It takes a lot of determination and accepting the love you’re being given freely from loved ones. So please, keep fighting. My better days would have never happened and I wouldn’t be better for it, if it weren’t for learning to fight for myself and those who love me, not giving up. Join us in the live streams on Twitch. Keep posting here. We love you, we value you, please stay.