This is just a silly vent don’t mind me.
My brain won’t shutup again. I’ve been told a few times to try smoking and other shit to feel better but I honestly think if I were to do that I would become 100x worse. I’ve tried constantly to distract myself or switch with someone but only to push them out with my worrying and have my mind start screaming and my headmates dissapear from it. I’m tired of seeing people sad or angry. It makes my mind run 100 miles a minute worrying about them and then reminding myself it’s none of my buissness only to feel worse later because my worrying is just burdening. I wish I had a lifelong friend, a dog, a person, a fucking bug I don’t give a shit. Someone I could talk to constantly, that wouldn’t dissapear when I’m stressed like my headmates do. Someone intuitive and human, with emotions. Someone that would give the same emotions to me as I give them. The only people I have like that- that make me happy every day are my friends and teachers from school, but if I fail college, or drop out I will lose them, and I think I will end up dying because they are all I have. I constantly feel guilty just for existing and started having flashbacks of my abusive ex best friend. I think I’m starting to remember them because I’m making friends. All I wish for in life is for other people to be happy, whether I’m in that or not. I kinda wish I was just a ghost so I could just see others be happy and not have to make connections with them and ruin it. I just wish people didn’t hate eachother, I wish I didn’t hate others, I wish everyone could live their desired life to the fullest. I can’t… Fuck. I hate seeing people sad, and my brain doesn’t shutup about it. I get attached to people so easily and then I lose them. I don’t want to rely on others but I want people to rely on me. I just want to get off this planet. I don’t even think I’m real, I don’t even know how to convince myself I’m real unless I’m happy. Which is a struggle now. I just don’t want to be a part of this body anymore. I want out. Why am I even here?
I’m so tired of dealing with this every day.