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A peek into my daily thoughts

This is just a silly vent don’t mind me.

My brain won’t shutup again. I’ve been told a few times to try smoking and other shit to feel better but I honestly think if I were to do that I would become 100x worse. I’ve tried constantly to distract myself or switch with someone but only to push them out with my worrying and have my mind start screaming and my headmates dissapear from it. I’m tired of seeing people sad or angry. It makes my mind run 100 miles a minute worrying about them and then reminding myself it’s none of my buissness only to feel worse later because my worrying is just burdening. I wish I had a lifelong friend, a dog, a person, a fucking bug I don’t give a shit. Someone I could talk to constantly, that wouldn’t dissapear when I’m stressed like my headmates do. Someone intuitive and human, with emotions. Someone that would give the same emotions to me as I give them. The only people I have like that- that make me happy every day are my friends and teachers from school, but if I fail college, or drop out I will lose them, and I think I will end up dying because they are all I have. I constantly feel guilty just for existing and started having flashbacks of my abusive ex best friend. I think I’m starting to remember them because I’m making friends. All I wish for in life is for other people to be happy, whether I’m in that or not. I kinda wish I was just a ghost so I could just see others be happy and not have to make connections with them and ruin it. I just wish people didn’t hate eachother, I wish I didn’t hate others, I wish everyone could live their desired life to the fullest. I can’t… Fuck. I hate seeing people sad, and my brain doesn’t shutup about it. I get attached to people so easily and then I lose them. I don’t want to rely on others but I want people to rely on me. I just want to get off this planet. I don’t even think I’m real, I don’t even know how to convince myself I’m real unless I’m happy. Which is a struggle now. I just don’t want to be a part of this body anymore. I want out. Why am I even here?
I’m so tired of dealing with this every day.
-X

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In short, you are so empathetic that it hurts. I wish I could be there for you.

Why are you here? Because life seeks to express itself. Now that you’re here, you are free to decide what your purpose will be. In actuality, it’s more like purposes rather than just one. One purpose that you have obviously taken on, is to connect and care about others. You are sensitive, intuitive, and very idealistic.

It’s interesting that being happy is what makes you feel real. Sadly, a lot of people feel that the only reality is suffering.

The thing is, you are very real, all of the time. I believe you have contributed to the happiness of many.

Is it possible for you to have a dog?

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I agree with all of this but it’s so hard to remind myself that. It’s so hard to live up to it because I’m always so tired and so many things are always happening. Every day is different which stresses me out because change scares me, everyone in this college is severely overwhelmed and stressed including the instructors and other staff. One of the staff has to take care of protocol for students that do husbandry and other stuff with the animals at this institute. so she has shitty organizations Like PETA up her ass all the time.
Forgot to mention my college is in veterinary medicine. But that doesn’t matter ofc because my mom still won’t let me have pets no matter how many times I beg. She has a dog but he’s old and doesn’t like people, and he’s attached to the very person I despise most which is my mom’s husband. I’ve asked several times if I could have any pet but she says it will just cause more things to worry about for her because she thinks I won’t have time to take care of it and doesn’t want the house getting destroyed. Honestly if I had a pet I think my sanity would come back and give me a reason to get out of bed every day. Give me a reason to keep pushing forwards and keep moving. I currently fell in love with this puppy at school but I know I can’t have her and I also know that many other people want to take her home. So it’s pointless.
This is why I’m becoming codependent, because I can’t have a pet around to constantly remind me life is okay and I have a reason to exist. I agree that I can decide what my purpose will be but to accomplish such goals are the most difficult task. Ecspecially when you are being pushed the opposite direction by people who think they are helping you.

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Yeah, change is very scary and the nature of school is constant change. As empathetic as you are, you must also be feeling the stress of those around you. Being scared of change is a survival strategy and built into our DNA. Fearing the unknown kept us from venturing into unfamiliar hazards. Evolution has not caught up with the kind of stress we face today. Physically we are generally safer now, but socially, it’s not easy to get away from stress. We have switched from having to worry about some intermittent yet immediate threat like being eaten by something, to an ongoing threat of having to deal with complex and confusing social and economic issues.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed by circumstances and expectations, I tend to narrow my focus to what I can deal with in the moment, rather than try to comprehend all the stuff I have to deal with. I do the same thing with large projects. For example, when I built my shop, I didn’t say to myself, “now I have to nail a few hundred boards together.” Instead, I said “I’ll nail a couple of boards together, and worry about the rest of it when the time comes.” When I was in school, I tried not to dwell on how many chapters I would need to cover in an evening. Instead, I tell myself that the current page was all I needed to worry about in that moment.

I used to volunteer at the animal shelter, taking dogs for walks and teaching them basic commands. That’s how I got my “puppy fix” when I was too busy working to have a dog. We ended up rescuing a couple of kittens. One was with us for 17 years, the other 20. Shortly before she passed away, the 20-year-old dragged a nearly dead kitten into the house. He had a thorn stuck in his mouth, preventing him from from nursing or eating. We took him to the vet and got him some IV hydration and had the thorn removed. The vet said that he had to be in quarantine for a couple of weeks to ensure that if he had feline leukemia, it wouldn’t be passed on to the other cat.

That was eight years ago. Now he is huge, about 20 pounds, with long orange fur. In the wintertime, he actually grows a bit of a mane around his neck. He is cantankerous and feral. For the first couple of years, it was hard to touch him without ending up bleeding. In spite of that, I have always felt deep affection for him. Now that he’s older, is actually pretty good company. He’s also the reason we still don’t have a dog. If I’m still around after he’s gone, I’ll think about fostering some older dogs.

It sounds to me as though you will have plenty of animals around to remind you that life is okay. In the meantime, I guess you’re stuck with us. :upside_down_face:

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