Today I woke up in a weird mood. I just couldn’t shake this “down” feeling I have had. I feel like anyone who has or had depression learns that it doesn’t really go anywhere we just learn how to live with it. And then we have some bad days when we think we got a good hold on it then it slips through our fingers and we get hit with all the unpleasant thoughts and sometimes even the memories that have a part in why we feel like shit (excuse my language). I know it’s a slip up and I know it’s just a bad moment. But there’s a part of me that is getting exhausted from hauling this around and pretending like everything is alright and faking a smile not just for my sake but for others sake. There’s been a couple moments in the past when I worried friends because of what I was talking about when those unpleasant moments came and I hate worrying people. And because of my fear of worrying people I don’t want to turn to my friends. And because of my past I have no family to turn to either so, I get real messed up from this feeling. I try hard to remind myself about what possibilities there are in the future, and I how if I work hard enough everything I ever dreamed of can be my reality. But I’m starting not to care about anything anymore besides wanting some rest and relief. I’m constantly titter-tottering now. I know some people would miss me, but all I think about now is how good it’d feel to be rid of all this. I’ll hang on for abit longer, I just don’t know how much longer I can keep pushing.
Hey @AlexanderBrews, how is it going since you posted this journal entry? It sounds that you were dealing with some deep and important thoughts. About depression, being vulnerable, also the future. It makes totally sense to feel exhausted, friend. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, as much as you can.
Thinking of you. 
Hang in there Alex, you can do this. Take things one step at a time and remember to be patient with yourself. I´ve found that practicing self–compassion has helped me with depression. Not beating myself up for feeling down, giving myself time,permission, and acceptance to feel whatever it is that I´m feeling. Also comforting myself and being more mindful of the thoughts that I´ve been having(Thinking about what I´m thinking about). Ted talks about depression provide some really great insight. I hope you feel better soon. Take care
Hey @Micro I’ve been titter tottering still. I have my bad moments. Last night it kept me awake until around 4:30 AM. I drew to get my mind off things and was pretty happy with the artwork that came out as a result of how I was feeling. I turned 22 yesterday, so being up that late and feeling what I felt wasn’t the best start to a birthday but after i woke up and took myself to town and spent the day alone and buying myself some things, my day got abit better.
Thank you @Rene That’s what I tell myself, to try and get through the day and take it a step at a time. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s just bad moments but tbh it’s just always there and I am good at pushing it out of sight so to speak. Hope you’re well as well
Hello!
If it makes you feel any better, know that you are not alone in this endless loophole of really deep depressive episodes and some days that feel like they “have cured you completely and you feel just fine”. Its hard to stay focused on things whenever you don’t understand the reason why you would do this anyway if you can just finish it all right here, right now. I hope you are taking care of yourself and treating yourself right, given your recent birthday as well (I get really bad depression episodes around my birthday and afterwards, idk if that happens to you,too). When I listen to Mac Miller, Radiohead, Nirvana, Arctic Monkeys, Korn, russian doomer music and Brockhampton, I feel as if someone was embracing me, even. though nobody is there.
The bit about worrying your friends: I always open up easily to people that seem like they would understand. They don’t understand it, worry about it, but they will never truly get into your situation fully. It won’t affect them in a deep way if it only includes you. Opening up helps and sometimes you could stumble upon a person that is going through the same thing, you could help each other out during these kind of times and not have to pretend like everything is okey.