I hope you like long stories because this is a novel.
I suppose I should start at the beginning/ish of when things started going downhill.
My depression probably started back in mid 2015 but first we need to rewind to late 2014 when I started tafe and I met a girl in my class who was the definition of perfect. The very second I laid eyes on her I was infatuated with her. The class became good friends pretty quick. We all started doing things outside of tafe, even a few times this girl and myself had a one on one hang where I was going to ask her out properly but bitched out every time.
Fast forward to Jan 2015 - one night most of us are out for my birthday, we’re drunk and full of Dutch courage so I went for broke and put all my cards on the table. She explained that she couldn’t return the feelings because she didn’t like me “that way” and because I was drunk I just went with it. The night ended soon after, she went back to her place and a few came back to mine which included another female from my class which I slept with to fill the void of rejection.
Once sober, me and this girl messaged for a while and I told her that we were all good and that it was ok that she didn’t like me (which was a total lie because I was pissed off) which is when, I think, the depression switch clicked on. Over the next few weeks all the bad thoughts were coming in (worthless, not good enough, pathetic) I might add that Ive only had a couple of relationships nothing too serious before this all happened so the rejection cut deep.
Fast forward again to about March 2015 - I’m feeling a little better but not 100%. This other female from class (yes I know, I’m making my way around the class. Wasn’t intended) and myself are suddenly getting along like a house on fire. I’ve never had more in common with someone in my entire life. After about 2 weeks of steady dating things are great. We make things offical, we were a couple but more importantly, we were best friends. It was a new kind of love and I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring us down. She got on well with my family and friends and I got on with hers. I was even calling her parents mum & dad!
After a couple of months though, something suddenly snapped in my head and I was a completely different person. I was that sad worthless loser from earlier this year. We went from texting/calling each other non stop every day to maybe one text a day. I wasn’t my talkative chirpy self. I was always grumpy, punching walls nearly fracturing my knuckles, bashing my head against the wall. She had never done anything wrong though. It was kind of a Jekyll & Hyde situation ( I want to add that I was never abusive. I will NEVER hit a woman)
One day I broke down in front of my Aunty, bawling my eyes out in her lap. She convinced me to go see a doctor and even came with me and we started a mental health plan.
Back to the girlfriend. Things were rocky for a while. We wouldn’t see each other and we wouldn’t talk. So once all the doctor appointments had been done and my first Shrink appointment was in about a month (they were fully booked) I asked her to come over so we could chat about the last few weeks. We went for a walk and sat in a park where I told her about my depression and that I wasn’t giving up on ME and US.
Yeeaahhh well that didn’t go to plan because after a while of chatting she dumped me. Now I’ve been dumped before but holy fuck this hit me like a truck. Once she said that we were over I walked a few meters away, sat on the ground and CRIED. After about 10min of me crying and her crying a little a few meters away she came over to me, hugged me from behind and said the worst thing that has ever been said to me “I will always love you and be here for you but for now it’s for the best”
then she left, walked back to my place to gather the stuff she had left there and that was the last time I have ever seen or heard from her.
I sat at the park for about 2 hours crying, full of hate - not for her, but for myself. Because somehow it was all my fault for being so fucked up and ruining such a great thing. My chest was sore, I could feel the heartbreak.
Once I left the park I went straight to the bottle shop, went home and drank and cried myself to sleep. I was in a million pieces and I just didn’t care anymore.
And to this day I can still remember that 0.5second moment of pure bliss when I woke up and nothing was wrong until my brain kicked in and everything came flooding back in and I was back to drinking, crying, sleeping. I sat in my room for about 3 weeks just sitting on my bed staring off into nothing only coming out the use the toilet or the one small meal I’d eat a day. Mum was completely oblivious to the situation because all I had to do was pretend to be happy or pretend that I had already been out during the day while she was sleeping (she works night shift) or that I was going out later.
Fast forward a month and I’ve started counselling. Things were going ok with it. She was fantastic and a great help. But I also got a new job at the same time so after about 2 months (one session every 2 weeks) I had to start bailing on my sessions because I was always working. She ended up leaving she centre and I hadn’t been to a session in a fair while.
I started using tinder to try and get back in the scene or even just a rand hook up. I was still pretty low and any form of affection would have been welcomed. A few random dates here and there that never went past the first date and yes, a few times I got laid.
Fast forward again to roughly early 2017. I started counselling again. This time with a male. He was awesome. Just his energy made me feel better, even the first day we met. He is what I had needed all along!
I promised myself that I would make sure to go to every session so that I could get out of this rut even if I had to beg my boss for the day off (I’m still pissed / depressed from the break up over a year ago btw)
Slowly but surely, session by session I’m getting better.
I’ve met someone as well. Things are pretty cruisy. And for once, she’s the one messaging me a few hours after our date planning our next one!
Come August 2017, I’m great and I’m heading in for another session. The councillor tells me that he’s leaving the centre and I have a choice to follow him to where he’s going (which was the other side of town) or we can end my sessions because in his professional opinion I was 100x better then when he first met me and he felt like he had taught me the tools to better myself with out him. I agreed to the latter so we pretty much spent the session talking about random shit and basically just hanging out. I told him about this girl I’m currently seeing and that we’re going to the races in 2 days time. He was over the moon at how far I had come (complete 180).
I walk out of my LAST session actually happy for once. And the first person I HAD to call was my Aunty (the one from earlier)
2 days later we’re at the races having a great time. I’m meeting her friends for the first time and we’re all getting along like we’ve known watch other for years.
But the next day I can tell something is wrong, she’s not messaging me or only giving me one word answers. So I just gave it to the hangover and thought I’d get back to her the next day. But deep down I knew something was up. I have this weird ability to know when something is wrong, even through text.
The next day I’m at work, stressed over what could be wrong. I’ve messaged her asking if she wanted talk and then she messages me that were over!
And now I’m back to square one. I leave work in the middle of my shift and go home. I went M.I.A for 5 days. Gutted that I just finished counselling 3 days earlier all better and now I’m back the the very beginning.
What pisses me off the most was that none of my “close” friends checked up on me. The only people that did were people from work who wanted the goss on why I walked out.
About a day later I messaged this girl asking if she was sure she wanted to end things. And that no matter what she was going through I would totally be there to help out. But to no avail. So I kept on drinking and sleeping for the next few days until I had to go back to work.
And again I was back on the tinder scene getting random sex here and there to fill the void. Drinking, partying.
Fast forward to 2019 (last one I swear)
The job I had been at for 3 years lost its contract so I transferred somewhere else. The boss was a mega bitch so I quit and went without a job for about 2.5/3 months.
I met someone new. Things were great, going steady. She said that she was interested but wasn’t sure what she wanted yet (full relationship or casual dating to see where it went) Which I was cool with, we still went on dates and stuff then after about 3 weeks - 1 month she ends things because, and I quote “I didn’t put in enough effort to keep her around”
So here I am again unloved, depressed, miserable, lonely and fucking pissed off.
I got a new job hoping it would help…nope the exact opposite. Something I once loved doing I now hate. But I can’t quit this one because I need the money
Now I’m feel like I’m in the deepest rut. Going through the motions just to make ends meet to start it all over the next week. Nothing phases me anymore. So I’m not sure what to do.
Not sure how this post was meant to go. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few things. Basically just needed to vent / get an unbiased outside opinion.
If you actually read the whole thing then solid effort I did pre warn you this was going to be a novel
Also a massive shout out to AILD and Jesse Leach for bringing this website to my attention. Even though they’re famous they’re still human and go through the same shit we do.