Looking back on my life I have always felt different. Different from everyone else like I didn’t belong. I couldn’t express the difference in my early years and as I went through adolescence that feeling grew.
Not withstanding being sexually abused by my sister in law at the age of 11, I learned to become something that was needed and buried who I was.
I felt like I belonged, had a purpose.
I was a toy and got rewarded for it.
The abuse lasted 9 years.
When I broke free I was lost, I met someone shortly after and became who they needed.
The cycle repeated itself as adulthood came to be.
Within all of this I was depressed without knowing the symptoms. So I operated my life as the chameleon, blending in as needed.
Fatigue, boredom, impatience, anger l, sadness was a regular part of my daily life.
Fast forward to 3 years ago (52) I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.
I am on Wellbutrin and it has helped me to quiet the voices and have the ability to look at things in a calm manner.
I have accepted that I am someone that suffers from depression and everyday is a battle with my brain.
I would like to share my journey and discuss things that have come up for in the hopes of supporting others in a similar place in their life.
Hi @Leugim_ren,
I’m super proud of discussing about your mental health issues. That’s awful for your sister in law to abuse as a child. Who hurts a child that is worse thing for human to do. I used to hate my mental health illness because I lost everything last year like friends and a job. This year I kind accept that I have mental health issues for the rest of my life. However, I always view that mental health issues helps me become a better person. I did messed up a lot of time with my mental health disorder. It doesn’t stop me from doing that I enjoy doing with my life.
Depression and anxiety is hard battle for anyone to face so you aren’t alone. I struggle with anxiety more than depression. I also take Wellbutrin for depression and it made me life much better than the last few years. You aren’t alone for having mental health issues too.
Hello,
Thank you for sharing this with us, and I am sorry you are having a difficult time.
I wanted to go out and say that I am so proud of you taking action for your mental illness. I am sorry that you have suffer sexual abuse; however I think that you have a beautiful and kind soul for wanting to spread awareness and help those who has been through similar situations. I know for sure that someone out there feels better because you exist; you created an supporting enviroment for others that makes people not feel alone.
There is nothing wrong with being different; we are all different and our differences is what makes us unique. The differences makes us, us. I definitely understand being different but what helped me was changing my perspective; “maybe I wasn’t born to fit in, I was born to be a star” and that’s okay. Being different gives our world more colors.
I hoped this helped. Feel free to reach out to us anytime, we are always here to support you!
Hi Leugim_ren
Welcome to Heartsupport and thank you so much for posting and for being courageous enough to tell your story.
I would like to start with the information that you spoke of regarding the sexual abuse from your sister-in-law. What happened to you was wrong, disturbing and very very sad. It makes sense that it made you feel like you belonged as she was making you feel wanted, that is what grooming is, you were meant to feel that way, I am so dreadfully sorry that happened to you and I hope that you got some help with that and you are and were made aware very quickly that none of that was your fault.
I am more than certain that even though you felt something was different before that, this too aided in your mental health problems.
I think most people with any MH issues will be able to relate with that feeling of knowing something isn’t right, you don’t feel like you are quite fitting in, even when you are trying to act as others do there is just something telling you that this isn’t you, that you are an outsider looking in. Choosing the Chameleon lifestyle must have been incredibly hard work trying to fit in to all these different scenarios with all these different emotions I cannot imagine all that every single day. Your brain must have been in 5th gear constantly.
I am beyond grateful for both your diagnosis (allowing you to have an answer to why you have felt this way for so long) and your medication (that is helping you to quieten those voices) Friend, it is time to be kind to yourself, you deserve a break, you have earned some peace and tranquillity in your life.
If you wish to respond to people here on the forum of course you can, your experiences and beautiful nature alone will be an asset to anyone, we also have reply groups that can be joined, but I would also love to see that you are taking good care of you.
We are of a similar age, I chose to not be a Chameleon but to stop mixing with people and to quieten my mind a long time ago. I am proud of you for putting yourself out there but in that I hope you have learned your limits, as we say here a lot “you cannot drink for an empty cup”
I have really enjoyed replying to your post and again welcome to Heartsupport. Lisa x
Hi Leugim_ren,
Welcome to HeartSupport. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. It took a lot of courage to be so transparent and vulnerable to write and share your experience and journey with others. And it shows how caring of an individual you are that your intentions are to be of help and support to others that could be in your situation, or experienced similar situations.
I am deeply sorry to hear about the abuse that you endured. And how draining and empty it must have been to endure that and to go through life as chameleon blending in, not being able to discover/explore/find/know your true self. It is heartbreaking to hear that you went through so many years feeling like a toy.
I am relieved to hear that things have been improving for you recently. That you have been receiving help which has allowed you to approach things from a calmer perspective. I hope that you are able to continue this journey and process of learning more about yourself while being of help to others. I wish you the best. 
Thank you for your kind words.
I look forward being involved in the forum’s either posting or supporting.