Recently, whilst at work, I (20 years ole female) was informed by my in law that my fiancé, aka D(23 years old male) has been arrested by some police officers. He was at home. Hurriedly, his father went to the station and enquired about what transpired. Calling him, he told me once home he will tell me what happened. And there goes my whole heart, when he told me that D had been arrested for kissing a minor girl aged 17. The latter’s relatives saw them, informed her parents who filed a case againt D. I am heartbroken, devasted and for the first time in my life, feel lost. Previously, D has been guilty of some emotional, online cheating compromising of liking pics of nearly naked girls, texting inappropriate messages. All of which, we have discussed and he showed me he changed. And here, i feel i have lost everything. I have given him everthing, physically and mentally. He shows himself a good man in front of my family. I feel like i am a nightmare i want to desperately wake up from. I want to run away from this truth that is devouring my heart. Tomorrow, as it will his hearing in court, i will be attending against the advice of my father-in-law. Most importantly, the day the incident happened, he stayed in my home in the afternoon, i cant imagine how he could have had intercourse with me, told me he loves me, all while this was happening. I want some advice if possible on what to do next. Should i forgive him? Should i leave him? I am so lost i am having some terrible thoughts i want to act on but i want to remain sane. Please any help would be appreciated
First of all welcome to Heartsupport! I am very sorry to hear what has happened (and is still happening) to you.
It seems that your fiancé has betrayed your trust earlier by cheating online. And now you have found out he cheated offline, IRL, not with somebody his age but a minor.
If somebody betrays you like that it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. And that can lead to feelings of sadness, anger or despair. It hurts to feel like that, I am glad you have reached out to us. This is a painful journey and I hope we can be there for you. So you know that you are not alone, you are loved and you matter 
I am not sure if being present at the hearing would be a good idea, as you might hear details that you would rather never have known. On the other hand, you might want to really get all the details to base your future decisions on.
I cannot give you any advice on if you should leave him or stay with him. I think that is a choice that your heart must make.
I do think that a marriage (as you are engaged) should be firmly based on trust. So before you get married I think your fiancé should really get some proper help to steer away from cheating and sexually engaging with minors. And you also should think about what you expect from a future husband. What are your values and what are your boundaries? I think it would be helpful to think about that beforehand.
In the meantime, just know that I am rooting for you. If you feel comfortable you might want to keep us updated. I hope we can somehow help you through this difficult time. You deserve to be loved and honoured.
Hello! Thank you so much for replying. I don’t even know what my heart wants. Everythjng feels overwhelming, so much that I want to numb it. I don’t want to feel or think. I haven’t been able to get much sleep either. My father-in-law advised me that we would be talking to D today after his hearing since he will be getting out after paying a fine. Being that sexual intercourse outside marriage is still a taboo in my country, I feel tainted; I am not able to stop thinking about what else he hid from me, the thoughts are eating me. Hoping that my boundaries, values and morals will guide me though this storm because i had once not respected them after i had caught D talking to his ex and asking her to help him leave me and to stop loving me. After that, we had fights and I was ready to leave him, that was during the first 6 months of our relationshio but he told he would change and he did. Or, I thought he did. I compromised too much for him and yet, I feel i wss never enough for him. I feel foolish for nor recognising and trusting his patterns, only believing in the lies he told me. I hope today brings me some light and helps me to decide. Thanks again. I will try to update you all about ehat happened.
Hi, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Due to travelling I sadly was unable to really give you another reply. Will be travelling today again. But please know that you are valuable and you matter. And you deserve a partner that also sees you as the wonderful person that you are
Sex outside of marriage may be a taboo, but it not a goo reason to stay in a relationship that is not good for you, or with a person who has shown that he is willing an actually betraying your trust.
You haven’t lost anything. You made some decisions on how you would interact with your partner, and it doesn’t mean that you need to stick by him. He made his own (bad) choices while in a relationship and engaged to you. Life is just starting out for you friend, there is so much fun stuff for you to do, wonderful places to visit, etc.
It sounds like he has hidden his true face from a lot of people, including the minor he was with. You deserve to be happy and respected. I’m glad you’re here with us.
Plese keep using this space to share your thoughts. You matter to us.
Ritika, I want to welcome you to heart support and I wish I could give you a big hug with that too.
I want to express firstly that you are enough. Any actions of someone else are their responsibility, and his actions are not based on your worth.
All the emotions that arise from this situation can feel heavy and confusing. It’s okay to take a moment to feel angry one minute and then feel a longing and love the next. It’s not always easy for our bodies and brains to process this kind of shock.
My thoughts are that if this has been a displayed and repeated action, for someone to truely “change”, they need to seek guided and professional help to work through it.
I’m sure your heart still feels pulled in many directions. At the end of the day what’s important is your worth and your well-being.
Oh honey I’m so sorry. First of all this happened to my 20 year old daughter last night. She was head over heels in love with her 24 year old boyfriend. They talked about marriage, all of it. And after going to a wonderful college dance night before last, she got a text from a 15 year old saying the guy slept with her when she was 14 AND that they were still sending nude photos to each other (even on the day of the dance.) I can’t begin to tell you how destroyed she is right now so believe me when I say…I empathize with you so much. It is so cliche to say this…but only time can heal it. Threats and police and all of that doesn’t need to happen. But you won’t get over this. You can forgive him (maybe) but you just can’t go back because it will forever be in your mind, and you don’t deserve that kind of paranoia in your life. I see that you’ve written this a couple of months ago so hopefully you are healing and feeling a bit better. It just happened at our house, so we are smack dab in the middle of chaos. He is threatening to harm himself…it’s just insanity.
Just remember that things WILL get better and you WILL eventually find someone who is NOT going to take your love for granted. Plus, it may not seem like it…but it’s a blessing. Because it could’ve happened when you had gotten married. Or pregnant even. You will get through this, one day at a time.
You are not foolish, you were blindsided. Nobody sees this coming 95% of the time. The very LAST thing you need to do is blame yourself. There is not 2 sides of the story here. There’s only yours. He has no side. He took the risk, he wanted a part time thrill on the side, he wanted his cake and to eat it too. Well, he got caught and he deserves whatever is coming to him. I hope he gets the help that he needs. But you can’t fix that kind of brokenness. Only he can do that. You just need to forgive him and let him go completely.