Hello. I’ve never really talked with anyone about anything meaningful like what’s going on in my life or the problems that I have. Ever. I’ve never felt like there was anyone who I could talk about things like that. If someone asked ”How are you doing?” or something I just give a short and vague answer. Not that I talk much with people anyway, it’s not unusual for me to go for a week or more without talking to anyone. Yet I don’t feel lonely for some reason. I used to, but I haven’t for the past few years (even though I’m spending less and less time with people).
Recently I started thinking that I’m probably making my life harder than it needs to be by doing this. It would be easier if I talked about my problems. And I kind of want to share the things I’m interested in with other people. But it feels like I can’t. I feel like I’m afraid to show other people who I am. For example, I picked up two new hobbies recently but I haven’t told anyone about them. I’m afraid that people will find out, even though I don’t know why and that doesn’t really even make sense to me. Why would it be a bad thing that I have new hobbies? I just don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like I think people expect me to be certain way and I’m afraid to break that expectation.
Over the past few months I’ve also become increasingly anxious about my studies and future. I’m supposed to be working on my master’s thesis but I haven’t really even started yet. Whenever I start reading one of the scientific articles related to my topic, I just feel like I can’t understand it and get anxious about the whole thing. I feel like I haven’t learned the courses I’ve taken well enough, even though I know that’s probably not true as my grades are good. And I know that the reason I’m reading the article is to learn and I probably shouldn’t expect to understand everything the first time I read it. But I can’t help feeling this way. I know I should ask my advisor if there is something I really can’t figure out but for some reason I’m afraid to ask questions. I’ve always been afraid to do that (during classes for example). Maybe it’s again because I’m afraid of what others think of me when I do that.
I feel like most of my problems are related to poor social skills. And I want to change that. I need to stop worrying so much about what others think of me. I think I just assume what others think of me even though I know that most of the time those assumptions are wrong. I’m just not sure how I’m going to stop doing that. I guess posting this is a start. Thank you for reading.
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Hey, I have been feeling like you, particularly about the thesis. It is harder that it looks like, but there is nothing wrong with taking your own time to do it. I think you are expericing this sentiments about your knowledge because you have some expectations about yourself and, at the same time, expectations about what others expect from you as well. You sound like a pretty intelligent, brilliant and comprised person: don’t let your own mind play you tricks. Keep it up! Oh, and if you want to share with me your new hobbies, go ahead. There will be always someone out there who will like to read about something different.
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Thank you for replying. My new hobbies are drawing and programming. Well they are not exactly new as I used to draw as a kid and I’ve done a bit of programming in the past so they are both things that I already knew I would enjoy. I’ve been wanting to do both for a long time and I’m glad that I finally started.
From: hugs_n_roses
thank you for sharing maybescientist. I personally went at least a month before without any social interactions (aside from my parents) before my employment. If you are looking to put yourself out there more I might suggest looking online for any group activities, specifically for those hobbies you have found interest in. We also have to be careful about not thinking for other people and try and assume positive intent unless clearly stated. you got this friend!
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From: bombclancy
I am 1000% more empathetic knowing that you’re in graduate school. I wish people could tell others how much stress is associated with it because grad school can make every aspect of living hard. The other aspect to this, is that hobbies are great but harder to share when they are solitary activities. Sports? You’re with people. Art? You aren’t usually drawing together. That makes it harder when you combine a work / stress intensive school program and increased isolation.
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From: kingadent1
I completely understand what you’re going through. I was always afraid of telling people about the creative ideas I imagined in my mind, and it got so bad, that I just kinda got lost in that world instead of opening myself up to reality. It didn’t help that I was in and out of all sorts of mental hospitals and placements as a child, plus with bullies, abusive foster parents, etc., I just built up this mental fortress of solitude to cut myself off from the rest of the universe.
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From: johannianni
Hey, reaching out like this is a great first step! I was exactly like this, especially in school, didn’t dare ask for further explanation in fear of being judged because to my peers I was “The A student” and I didn’t want to change that perspective. I wanted to be that “A student”. It took a teacher to sit me down and tell me that I’m there to learn, if I knew all of it, why would I even be there? Internet friends was my way forward for personal life communications. All the best! <3
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Hello my friend
Wow, thank you SO much for being so vulnerable, especially on your first post
Here is what we did with it!
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