I have been making some huge changes in my life and have made some amazing progress on managing depression, which I am really excited about. Anyway, now that I feel more like a person again and am not just a suicidal blob at a desk, I’m terrified of being me. I feel like my actual personality which hasn’t been around much for the past decade and a half, is too weird. Too strange. I’m going to end up ruining my marriage by being myself. I’m going to ruin my life and the lives of people around me.
I know that this stems from some family issues. My family has been telling me my whole life that I’m super weird and going to fuck up my life and my mom still to this day is convinced that I’m going to get a divorce and have the same crisis that my dad did. I know that this has been an influence on my need to hide my personality for my whole life but I can’t seem to get it out of my head. And I’ve been making changes to let myself be more of myself but in the back of my mind I’m convinced that by doing that I’m going to ruin the lives of the people around me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I hope that that made some sense.
First thing, I am glad that you are making a progress in your depression, that show how strong and brave you are.
Second, In reality is sad but there are a lot of people that are scared to show the world who they really are, afraid of what the world will say it. I am one of them too.
But what I have learned in this time with the help of this community and of my family, is that you have to show the people around you who you really are, because is the only way that you will know that people love you for who you are and is the only way that you can be happy with yourself.
So my advice, be you, dont be afraid to show the world who you are and dont listen to what people said, no matter is family or strangers, you are the only one that know who you really are and the real people that care about you, will love you the real you.
Take care 
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YAY!! YOU ARE HEALING!! That is amazing and I’m so proud of you for courageously making changes in your life even though you are scared of the person you will be without your depression.
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I am so sorry that the people in your life have made you feel like who you are is not enough. That is not true. Every single person is different, is “weird” in some ways and that is what makes us all beautiful in our unique way.
You are so brave for reaching out here about this struggle and I encourage you to talk to your husband about these feelings as well and anyone else you trust. I encourage you to pay attention to the way people respond when you are being yourself and I think you will be surprised at how accepting the people who love you will be.
You got this! Sending love
You know where your actual fears come from. You know what your family said had an impact on the way you see yourself. It’s a good thing to be aware of that, as it allows you to take a step back and question what they said to you. And maybe your family was also expressing some fears when they told you that, who knows?
I don’t know you, but:
1/ The fact they said you’re “super weird” doesn’t really makes sense. It doesn’t really mean something in itself, except maybe how your family perceived you at the moment. Which remains… their perception. And it’s highly personal/subjective.
2/ They told you what your future would be but truth is they don’t know. They can’t. No one knows what the future holds. But you have, in the present moment, the power/strength to take actions toward the direction you’d like to reach. Not them. You. Which sounds to be what you’re actually doing, through this healing process you’re in. 
Sometimes our beloved ones, friends, family, aren’t supportive at all. But we can still chose to let what they say have an impact on us… or not. Not saying it’s easy. It’s hard to fight against the lies you’ve been used to hear or you accepted deep inside a long time ago. But just your message shows that you also know, deep inside, that your family wasn’t holding the truth. Somehow, even though you’re scared and doubting of yourself, by sharing this you’re walking on a path toward growth.
It’s okay to be scared, to doubt, to be tempted to believe the lies that some people told you. It happens to all of us. But you’re doing okay friend. And as you’re doing better, I think it’s quite normal to be scared and wondering about who you are. It’s only my opinion, but I’d like to think that somehow it’s even healthy. Because when you struggle with depression, you realize that something is not working and you need to find different strategies to keep going on.
I have a chronic depression. And when I started to handle it, to feel better, I also started to question everything about myself. Who I was, what I liked, what I wanted to do in this life… it was a huge season of introspection. With a lot of questions but not many answers. It felt like I was beginning a new life. I didn’t really know who I was. So the only “knowledge” of myself seemed to be what others told me in the past, which was mostly hateful things coming from family and different people I met. It was scary to rely on that. And quite unhealthy.
If it’s similar to what you’re going through right now, please don’t forget about the good memories and words other people might have said to you. You said you’re married. So your partner chose you. Not someone else. It says something about you and how they value you, how they acknowledge your presence in their life. And also, you said you made huge changes in your life and a lot of progress… that’s something to be proud of! It also says something about who you are right now, at this precise moment of your life! We can be easily marked by the most hurtful things that has been done or said to us. But we can still put that aside and try to focus on what’s actually positive too.
I believe in you. Keep growing. Keep being you. You got this.
Hi @ktStark, welcome to heartsupport! Meet @ktStark, a person who is really excited to be managing her depression. Despite what her family says and what she fears in herself, she’s pretty awesome and inspirational! You should get to know her.
I couldn’t have said this any better. Every time I make progress in my mental health, I don’t quite know what to do with myself. The pain I’ve been so comfortable with for so long is gone, and it feels weird. I keep prodding it and wondering why it doesn’t hurt anymore. But through all the changes, the less-depressed version of me was always better, and like a new pair of shoes, as I wore it in it became my new normal.
I can’t fathom how the less-depressed version of You would ruin people’s lives, and I can only imagine that if your husband is a decent man, he is thrilled with the happier, liberated version of You. In my experience, depression hurts relationships as you retreat, while healing makes them stronger as you come out of yourself.
For my part, since I started getting better I try to listen for rational, objective, constructive criticism and discount the ugly things people say about me. No one gets to talk badly about me except me. Besides, who really knows me anyhow? My mom once said she missed the the “real me,” the docile, amiable kid I once was. Truth was that kid was just putting up a front to please people and divert attention from his sadness and loneliness. The assertive and occasionally abrasive man I am now is who I always wanted to be, someone who isn’t afraid to speak his mind and stand up for himself. Since I purge the naysayers from my life, my friends mostly have positive things to say about me; but I don’t lean on those too much either, placative platitudes that I perceive them to be (derisive laughter during your wedding toasts, anyone?). I try to figure out who I am on my own as I go on. It’s slow, and at times it’s toxic, but why should I derive my value from what anyone else thinks? I’m not perfect. Too often I’m overly harsh on myself, and sometimes I’m a self-aggrandizing megalomaniac 
But I, not other people, get to decide those things for myself.
YOU are awesome. YOU are strong. YOU are overcoming depression, and that’s a HUGE accomplishment. You are becoming a better version of yourself, and if anyone sees that as a negative, they have their own sets of issues and are just trying to pull you back into the pit with them. Remember you’re a beautiful person and that YOU, not the toxic people around you, get to decide how you feel about and see yourself. I hope you enjoy getting to know yourself and introducing yourself to the world.
I just wanted to let you know that you are loved by God, this community, and you are being listened to. Don’t let others get the best of you or what negative words they said. They have their own baggage. Cut out their bad vibes. Overcome fear one day at a time. I hope you will. Thank you for sharing your story. God be with you.
Thank you for your advice 
Thank you for your encouragement to speak to others about this. I have had a few talks with my husband about these thoughts and took the step a few days ago to talk to a close friend as well and it was helpful
Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your thoughts as well 
Thank you so much for your response
Thank you for the reminders