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Afraid (tw abuse, suicidal ideation)

i alwyas start these off the same way. i’m not the best w intros when it comes to stuff like this and im going to apologize now for any spelling/grammar errors. im shaking and crying while i type this i’m sorry. this might be a little all over the place.

i’ve been through hell and back. i’m scared of who i can and can’t trust. i’ve always felt safe w the heartsupport community but even reaching out here scares me a little bit. i am not okay. i have no real healthy ways of coping. i keep going nonverbal and it’s scary. this is an issue that i’ve had my whole life. pretty much every doctor i’ve ever had has dismissed any issue i bring up so i’ve stopped bringing up certain things that i know i’ll be told to shut up about anyway. i’m used to stuttering and stumbling over my words and then not being able to speak at all but not to this extent. normally it’ll happen a few times a month and as frustrating as it is i can usually notice ehen it’ll happen and take a moment to try to calm myself down before i get really upset about it. lately it’s been happening a few times a day. it’s really frustrating and upsetting. it’s also really scary. i’m not used to this happening so frequently. i’ve been getting super overwhelmed by a lot of things recently. a lot of people have shown their true colors and i’ve been abandoned and stabbed in the back by a lot of people i once thougt i could trust. i’ve been gaslighted and abused by people who are supposed to help me. i don’t just mean friends when i say this.

i’m scared. i don’t know who i can turn to. i don’t know where i can feel safe. i don’t know how to calm down. i’m not on medication at the moment. i hate taking meds. it’s triggering for me. but i’m at a point where i know a lot of things aren’t gonna get better if i’m not on medication. i’m so scared. i don’t wanna be alive anymore. i don’t wanna keep trying. i don’t want any of this. ik this might sound strange but i’ve been seeing a lot of signs lately telling me to keep going anyway. idk how i can when i feel alone and scared and like i’m a burden on everyone. i’m gonna keep going but i’m so terrified. if u took the time to read this, thank u.
this was a lot i’m sorry.

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@halfdeadsiren

I encourage you to pray to God in a private place by yourself. He is the only One who will never hurt you, He will not abuse you, He will not betray you, He will always be loyal to you, He will always strengthen you, He will always tell you what you need, and He will always be with you and for you because He loves you.

Hey Siren,

Thank you so much for taming your fears, for being here and sharing what’s on your heart these days. That really means a lot. :hrtlegolove:

It is so hard to feel like there is no safe place where you could rest, share your voice and just… be yourself. I hear you, friend. Missing that safety is at the core of my own experience with anxiety and it’s indeed exhausting. This constant feeling of running after something that seems impossible to reach sometimes. Just because trust is hard to give, and when you were shut down by others before you can be afraid of being a burden to the world around you.

I’m so sorry you were betrayed and abused by people you trusted and who were supposed to listen. That is absolutely unfair and wrong. Those people missed an opportunity to see it, to see you. And I want to acknowledge your bravery here. It takes a lot of strength to open up, to be vulnerable… just to share your voice. For some people talking comes naturally, but for others it requires some efforts because it feels like stepping into a zone of danger. I relate a lot to those feelings and fears you describe. When I was young I’ve been repeatedly shown that if I talk I would be guilted for sharing, or simply ignored/dismissed so it wouldn’t be worth the effort. There were situations that made me struggle with selective mutism and I was guilted for that too - a vicious circle. I know it’s hard to find enough safety to speak when you feel at the same time invisible yet a burden to the people around you. But you are none of those things. You are here, existing, alive, with a soul and a heart full of life - a spark that is actually a true blessing to this world.

I’m also aware of how frustrating it is to go nonverbal. You don’t necessarily want it to happen, it’s just an automatism, and people around you can find it difficult to understand. It can also make you feel like you’re losing control of yourself, for sure. For me personally, and now as an adult, I still have situations when I shut down and not even a word comes out. Though I found that trying to be understanding and patient with myself was more helpful than beating myself up. It’s not your fault if you struggle with those things, friend. And you’re really not doomed to see yourself falling deeper into this spiral. This world can feel unsafe, for many reasons, but there are good people and safe places out there. I believe you are actually in one of those in this community, which is also why I am so glad and proud of you for reaching out. It may feel like jumping into the unknown, but you have a safety net right here, made of nothing else but love and care - always.

You have a voice, it is important, it is real, valuable, a treasure to cherish, and you can be proud of yourself for using it. Know that it’s okay to feel unsafe and vulnerable sometimes. Especially this year that just happens to be crazy for many of us. In such circumstances, it’s 100% okay to surround yourself with things that help to ease those feelings in a healthy way. If medication is not an option right now, you can still cultivate self-care habits in your daily life, and at your own pace. Doing something you like and not stressful for example, spending time in a cosy/relaxing environment a bit everyday (weighted blankets, soft lights, music and stuffed plushies are a good mix :)), having a morning routine, making sure that you take care of your basic needs (sleeping, eating, moving your body) - just taking care of yourself as much as possible. Though I know it’s hard to do those things when you feel very anxious, depressed or vulnerable. But you can always learn and practice at your own pace, one step at a time, one day at a time, even when it implies to move backwards sometimes - it’s okay.

You can be proud of yourself for fighting as you do and to keep moving on. Maybe it’s not seen by people in your life, maybe it’s just understimated or hidden. But I can assure you that you are seen here, your efforts are acknowledged because you took the time to share your heart. That’s beautiful.

If things feel out of control or darker sometimes, if there’s anything you would like to talk about, also if you feel like struggling deeper with social withdrawal, please keep in mind that you are always welcome here. No judgment. No particular expectations but the privilege to do life with you. You matter, your life matters, and you’re not alone.

I’m sending virtual hugs to you. :hrtlegolove:

PS: There is no need to apologize, really. You’re among friends here, and you are loved just as you are. :hrtlegolove:

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