I’ve been much worse, but everyday is a constant battle. I love my life, but I’m tired of constantly fighting this fight. It drains me every day.
I am constantly riddled with anxiety and here and there I have stints of being depressed. my strategy has been to take a look at your past struggles and realize you are still here. You’re here for a reason. You love your life, I love living. If life was easy it would be boring. Find what and who makes you happy. Take a journal or a note if you need to. Harness it. Wait until you feel that emotion of at least being content, Then try and work toward happy or joyful. Life’s fucking hard but it doesn’t suck all the time. Pay very close attention for when it sucks less and try and redo it the next day. Get some fancy close, flaunt your stuff. Take a good hard look in the mirror and appreciate that you’ve made it this far. Make yourself feel good enough, because you are.
Yeah, to feel like every breath, every step, every moment is contested by this drawl of resistance and opposition…like there’s a gravity that just being awake has on your life…it’s exhausting to feel like you’re alone to fight that battle.
It’s hard especially because there are two parts of you at war – the part that loves your life and wants to choose life, and the part of you that is drained by that choice…your hope is fighting your exhaustion, and you don’t know which will win. You want to fight, but it feels like it generates exhaustion to keep hope alive, and it feels like you can see a point where you’ll be so exhausted that you won’t be able to hope any longer.
And that’s a scary thought.
You aren’t alone in that fight, though. We all face it in one way or another. But I think what’s important to note is that resistance, gravity, is actually what forces muscles to grow. The muscles you’re exercising to hold onto hope right now are actually getting stronger, and practicing over time will make it easier to hold onto hope because you’ll have evidence in the past of the fruit of holding onto hope over giving in to exhaustion.
Additionally, maybe get curious about where the force of exhaustion is coming from – what’s causing that gravity? Who’s it coming from? What is the source of it? Is it as strong as it feels or is it an illusion? How do you counter that force effectively? If you take time to actually look at the enemy of your hope, you might find that studying it can prove a helpful endeavor when trying to keep hope afloat.
Either way, thank you for sharing your heart here so you don’t have to carry the torch alone.
In this together,
-Nate