Hi. Im sorry for writing about something so petty…but to me, it hurts like hell.
So ive been with my partner for 10years. 4years married. And he tells me he loves me over and over. And i love him. But ive come from a really rough family of abusers, the worst of which would ignore my existence when i spoke and mock me when i cried.Which was 10x worse than the physical abuse.
Its made me crave validation and acts of love, which my husband is fully aware of.
Now,i would say im a really generous person. My favourite thing to do is giving thoughtful gifts to EVERYONE. Like reeeeally thouthtful. Writing songs for them. Creating paintings. Jewellery. Digital art…etc
I even got an engraved music box for someone that played their favourite theme for an old ps1 game! Its was COMPLETELY CUSTOM MADE.
Its like crack to me when i see their face light up.
BUT for once… just once. Id love it if someone would do the same for me. Just a random act of generosity that says “this made me think of you”. Nothing as impressive. Like something worth £10 from amazon or a pretty cup from etsy. Ive dropped hints and shared links like “wow! This is sooo cool”…
Even at christmas, my mum bought me unscented soap. Shes like super rich btw. Lol I said thankyou and watched her as she opened her 4th present from me.
So i begged my husband to maybe appease me and maybe randomly surprise me with something from amazon one day. The cost means NOTHING its just the unexpectedness and the thought.
Ive lightly reminded him of how much it would mean to me and 120 paydays = 10years, later…nothing.
A box arrived today and i got sooo excited… before i opened it, i began preparing a massive dinner to thank him. But as i opened it… i realised it was something i ordered for him weeks back.
I want to just cry!
Am i an asshole for wanting a gesture of care and love…
I feel so angry and guilty. Xx
Id love for some insight.
When I read your post the first thing I thought of was the concept of love languages. Your love language is gift giving/receiving as it seems and that is totally fine.
Where it gets complicated is understanding that your husband likely has a different love language than you do and so the ways he shows you love are genuine and real to him because that is his language. Whatever it may be.
My love language is touch, ironically, because I hate being touched. But going to long without cuddles from my husband makes me sad because thats just how I do. Ya know?
Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and have a conversation about what your love languages are. You may find that he has been showing you the love you want, its just been lost in translation.
I dont think either of you are in the wrong here, I just think maybe a little understanding is needed regarding what you would like in the relationship and what he would like and why those things are important.
Best of luck to you.
Reading your post just hit so many levels for me. Ugh it breaks my heart.
I really empathised strongly with your post.
I’ve also had people tell me how I was over reacting and the “STOP CRYING OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT”.
And my love language is acts of service. But when someone goes out of their way to show that to you, it’s a game changer.
It would be really interesting to see what your husbands love language is. Sometimes people think that if they express what they would love, that others also love it.
You’re not an asshole in any capacity. Some people just need a direct approach. Maybe there needs to be an open conversation about what you both need in terms of how to show love to each other. Maybe it’s a once a month thing where he gets you something and you do something for him that his love language would thrive with.
It’s actually totally okay to ask people directly to use your love language. Sometimes we have to point it out with a laser and highlighter. And that is OK. There’s a stigma about sharing love language and being direct in what you need and want. And maybe he will start to think of these things on his own once you direct him a few times.
Tell him how it makes you feel. It’s been a game changer for my relationship. He’s affectionate and craves the physical touch, I like having acts of service. So we used to try to use our own needs towards each other and it just didn’t work. I was getting frustrated about being touched all the time and wanting to break away. Snapping at him for getting in the way. He was getting frustrated that I was seemingly doing things or trying to drag him along to things for no reason.
So we set boundaries and talked and have started trying to understand each other’s needs.
Your needs are important. And I’m sorry that sounded so much like about ME. I do hope that it made sense as an example.
I guess the tldr is no, you are NTA.
Hello Pinky, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for posting. I was married for almost 18yrs and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 13yrs. We both show our love for each other differently. I don’t expect him to do the things I do for him for me, because he has his own love language. In my marriage I didn’t understand that and would get really upset when he didn’t buy me things like my friend’s husband did for her. When I think back, he had his own way of showing his love. I wish I would have seen that back then. I would suggest sitting down with your partner and talking about this. Ask him what his love language is and I bet you’ll be able to understand him better. Take care! ~Mystrose
I think these posts have really well said the sentiments of love language and communication. Having the chance to let him learn and understand your needs and vice versa. Maybe you’ll have to cue him in for a little while, but then he hopefully will start to be more aware and mindful of what you need. You can learn to balance out each other’s needs really.
first of all, what you are doing for others is a thing of beauty and that shows what a kind heart you have.
Especially from where you come from.
I hope it doesn’t sound to harsh, but what i learned in life is
“don’t expect from others, what you give”
everyone is different.
talk to your partner about it, tell him how you feel. how you both show love.
love is so strong, and can be shown in so many ways. also maybe some ways will be overlooked.
Thank you for reaching out to us, feel hugged my friend and
Hey there @Pinky,
Of course no, you’re not a bad person for wanting gifts from your husband! I completely agree with @Sapphire about a possible difference there regarding the love languages that you and your husband have. With my fiance, it has taken me a long time to realize and understand that we both have different ways to express love as well. I too come from an abusive environment and it oculd me a long time to adapt to what I perceived as some kind of coldness on his end. I can have this overly-romantic flame in me that he doesn’t have, which was hard to accept sometimes. With time though, I’ve learned to see that his acts of love are actually more subtle, less frequent maybe but extremely precious because of it too (something that would happen too often wouldn’t be so valuable).
It sounds like maybe your husband isn’t even aware of how much this means to you, just like maybe while you are focusing on this specific expectation of gifts, you are missing out on other expressions of love from him. I would surely encourage you to try to express these needs to your husband and asks him what he appreciates too (gifts, kind words, quality time…?). As he tells you that he loves you very often, I would imagine that words and language are very valuable to him. You’re not a bad person at all, just like your husband seems to be willing to provide this affection that you crave for. It might be, overall, a real matter of communication there so you could both meet each other’s needs halfway.
Hi Friend, welcome to Heartsupport, thank you for your post, I can certainly see where you are coming from, its hard when you both have different ways of showing love to oneanother and I think its ok to want more or a different way of your husband showing you that, its wonderful that he tells you all the time that he loves you of course but yes who doesnt want a suprise thoughtful gift once in a blue moon esp if that is your thing. To be fair though, I dont think your hints are very good. lol I think maybe a conversation might be in order, just a nice chilled out conversation, no pressure. You sound like you have a lovely marriage but yes I think you do have the right to get a bit deflated sometimes. my advice to you is stop hinting, start talking. wishing you loads of luck. Much love lisalovesfeathers x
I just want to echo what Sapphire mentioned in her post. Knowing the love language between you and your partner might be helpful to know about each other. I also think it would be helpful to have a conversation with your husband that’s open and honest about all the things that have been bothering you lately.
Hey Pinky, welcome to HS, so glad you found us.
I am so sorry about what you are going through, I don’t think you are the A hole at all for wanting love and care in return. I agree with the above though about the different types of love languages. I can give an example in my own life if that’s okay.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years and we still miss marks on showing love to each other sometimes. His love language is physical touch and mine are a mix of some other things but not physical touch. I can say from my point of view, it doesn’t occur to me naturally to show him love in the way he needs it. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him or care for him, I just need reminders every now and then to show him love, like “hey I could really use some hugs right now”. Same goes for him, sometimes I need to remind him that I need some extra effort on his part to reassure me and show me he loves me.
I think open communication is a huge need for you guys right now. I don’t think most people are as generous and thoughtful as you are, so having that open communication with others (especially your husband) is crucial in making sure you feel like your needs are being met.
You sound like an amazing person despite everything you have gone through, it’s incredible how selfless you are. Hang in there, keep that open communication. We are here for you!
Welcome to Heartsupport!
Of course you are not a bad person for wanting to be appreciated. You sound to me like someone who is very thoughtful and really puts in a lot of effort to make other people happy, in showing them that you know them and can anticipate what they wish for, a great friend.
But I agree with the other posts. Every person has a different love language, they show affection in different ways and might not be able to receive your signals. Hinting at something and communicating “in riddles” might not get you very far. The best advice I have is to just talk openly and honestly, without accusations, without disappointment, because your husband might not even have understood what you have wanted this whole time. You could say something like “I would like to receive a nice and thoughtful gift from you, it doesn’t even have to be expensive, but I would really appreciate and cherish that.”
That would be my idea.
I hope everything works out.