I’m currently sitting, eating lunch alone. I feel judged. This sucks😞
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Ugh 
I’m sorry Ash, I relate for sure. Both to the being alone and the feeling judged. Gosh people need each other so much. What judgments do you feel others are making about you?
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I hate being alone in a public area. My anxiety skyrockets. I always feel like I’m either judged on how I look, the way I’m dressed, or that “outcast/loser” kid that has no friends, and is weird. I always feel judged by those “popular” kids in school. This makes me soooo insecure, but I still am happy with the band shirts, and the hoodies, and jeans I wear. That’s one way I love to express myself.
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That sounds like quite a negative onslaught of thoughts and feelings that race through your head when you’re alone in public. I’m curious if you feel this same way when you see others who are alone in public, if you think they’re an outcast.
I’d enjoy having friends that wore band shirts. I’ve got one friend with a lot of metal t-shirts and he introduced me to so many bands that way. I think its cool that you express yourself this way 
I really ought to buy a Diamond shirt from Stick To Your Guns. It’s my favorite band, the artwork is awesome, and I think these shirts can be a great conversation starter, even if you know nothing about the band. My two cents is I think some people like vanilla, some people like chocolate… some people are gonna like what you wear, some people won’t, and hopefully, what’s most important, is that YOU like what you wear. Then you attract people who like what you like 
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Everyone gets judged all the time: Who is this? Where are they going? Where do I need to stand to not collide with them? What are they doing? What emotions does it look like they are feeling? What are they wearing? Why did they do that? The judgements of: “I don’t like this person” and “I can bully that person” don’t come up very often.
I need to compare you to a rabbit, one I hold in the highest esteem. There are three special things about this particular rabbit: he was almost killed by another rabbit when he was young, he understands English perfectly, and he weighs about 2 pounds because he is a Netherland Dwarf, the smallest breed of domesticated rabbit. He also has a bully problem that he can’t seem to fix. His bully is at least twice his size and bullies him because she can. No other reason. I am trying to get them to be friends. I am running low on patience. He is curled up in a cardboard fort, one of his favorite places, and she is coming to bully him and I start muttering to him: “Don’t be afraid, don’t move, don’t run, don’t be afraid, just relax.” He sits there all still and calm and the other rabbit, twice his size, freaks out and runs away. She never bullied him again.
Now this is a little simplistic when compared to what you are dealing with, but hopefully there are parallels, like bullies that go after you just because they can, or you feeling small and scared and anxious because you are in a wide open space, alone, and that if you don’t act scared, the bullies won’t pick on you.
Bullies are cowards who make other people seem less so that they can feel like more. They pick targets based on how easy the person is to bully and how “special” the person is (like being the smartest in class). If it’s violent bullying, the first thing to do is consistently tell on them. If it’s social bullying, then the biggest, scariest, first step is to not care. If you do not give them an emotional rise when they bully you, they are going to stop bullying you because you don’t give them what they want. They don’t get their payment of feeling better about themselves. The mean girls are the most miserable people in the student body. You only have to deal with them from time to time and they have to deal with each other (and themselves) all the time.
If you stop paying bullies by being scared of them, they won’t just stop. They will think something went wrong. They will try again. How many tries depends on the bully, but they will stop. This probably sounds very difficult, but it’s the first time that’s really difficult because they have psychological momentum and you haven’t done it yet. After that it gets significantly easier, to the point that you might see how ridiculous the social structure you are in is. In my mind the only real use for a bully is to help cure their targets’ social anxiety. Hang in there. This is something that you can do. If the first try doesn’t work, you can do it again.
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Eat at another table until you find people that you like. Who sits at which table is just a convention. The worst that can happen is that you get labeled “weird,” which in my experience isn’t a bad thing, especially if you’re currently “outcast/loser.” Sitting at the cool kids’ table can be hilarious. They all actively shun you, which I thought was great because they look so incredibly stupid while they did it. If you’re constantly surrounded by witnesses, the only thing they can do to stop you from sitting there is shun you. If they get up and leave, free table!
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It actually means so much to me, that you asked. 
Normally when people ask, I feel like a burden if I actually say how I feel, but with Heart Support, It seems like it’s different.
Anyway…I just got out of a 5 1/2 hr shift at work, along with going to school for 7hrs today. I’m just mentally exhausted, along with physically. And to top everything off, I procrastinated a lot of my hmwk to tonight, so I’ll be up for at least another 4 hrs doing hmwk. Life is fantastic (note the sarcasm) 
. I’ll hopefully get maybe 4-5hrs of sleep.
Again, thank you for asking. It’s so nice to know that there’s someone out there who cares at least a little, and they aren’t being forced to be nice or whatever.
Love 
-Ash
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I’m sorry for responding late. I was doing other things. I’m glad to ask because I don’t know what it is going on with your life. But I can give my time of the day to read, and let you vent. I hope you are hanging on. Thank you for replying. Take care.
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