Yes, it really cuts deep. It brings us back to all the opportunities lost, and what it takes to love someone - including through loss. You look back and you start to see all the missed pieces, all the doors that have never been opened - and you feel it all, the guilt, the regrets, the heartache of the emptiness and silence. It is what is only left, and it is what must be composed with, which is such a lonely experience at times.
When I look back, there are people I lost that I wish I told many other things, or so much more "I love you"s while it was still possible. It hurts when death or distance force you to acknowledge the frailty of life, of time and relationships too. Somehow, we can’t focus on this all the time, as otherwise we would miss out on life itself. But it is still such a brutal reality to come back to.
I hear you and how much it’s difficult to think about the doors that were closed, and how much you wished that it could have been differently. Through the disappearance of others, there is oftentimes process of self-forgiveness that is necessary. Just because we are humans, and as human beings we can’t live in the fear of death of missing out on important opportunities. If you had to close doors at the time, it means you needed it, and you did just as you could. Regardless of the circumstances behind, it was enough. It’s hard to not rewrite the story though as we look back with a different knowledge in mind. Now we know and see acutely where things could have been different, where trajectories could have been changed, where loved could have been expressed even more. But it is also unfair to treat the past in light of the present. It’s unfair to our hearts who didn’t know better at the time.
What it teaches us though, is how much we can decide to change our language or behaviors in the present moment, and in other relationships. It’s important to process and mourn the people we lost as much as the time lost with them. And at the same time, we can look in the present and embrace even more the time that is still available. What you realize, what you feel, is very strong and shows how much these relationships have impacted you. I’m sure that, before those doors were closed, you also had a great impact on these people’s lives. It’s a legacy that remains, no matter what, and despite the awful silence that grief leaves us with.
I wish you all the best moving forward - much peace, healing, and maybe some level of re-connection with the ones you lost, even if they’re not here anymore. Hold fast, friend. <3