I really relate to your post. Even at the age of 27, I struggle with thoughts of what I’m going to do in the future. (I hope that doesn’t discourage you) At first, I’m going to talk about myself but I promise to tie it all together and hope any insight and experience I share with you can be of even the smallest benefit.
I’m going through undoubtedly the hardest time in my life. I quite literally lost every friend (not many to begin with) that I had because of a breakup in which they all decided to stop talking to me and take her side without me ever getting a chance to defend myself for the accusations that were thrown my way.
Yesterday I had a total breakdown. One of those gut wrenching, hurling cries that feels like you need to vomit. I had/have no idea what the right mindset is: is it all my fault for not being valuable enough for them? are they just toxic people? These are people I knew for 10-15 years, and I would regularly reach out to them and be there for them when they needed my support/advice. And where were they when I needed them most? Hiding things behind my back and disappearing from me.
So I absolutely understand people drifting away. No matter what I did to show my friends I loved and supported them, whatever it is that they need in a person to validate and support them, I don’t have. All, of course, while they “left” me for my ex. I’d often ask my one friend, my “best friend” of 14 years, to play games. He’d either never reply or “be busy” but then see him on Steam playing with his other friends. I tried to get him to visit or 10 years (he lives overseas), and he would instead visit friends he knew for less time. I tried to call him, but he would call my girlfriend (at the time) instead.
Last semester, I was a teaching assistant and my first day I was so nervous that my shirt was soaked from sweat. I thought I was a complete lost cause. I had lost everything, I could no longer exist in social situations (which I already struggled with, but it was getting worse), and I was crying everyday. I joined a social anxiety group through my university which was somewhat beneficial, but still, here I am now.
I wish I could have a success story and give you a “here’s how I did it” instruction, but I don’t. Am I better at socializing now? Maybe. The only thing that’s been slightly beneficial is to just keep putting yourself out there. Are you going to meet your best friend ever right away? Probably not. But the doubt and discouragement you feel are valid and it’s understandable you’d feel this way. I do too.
Like @kurage said, you are an awesome friend. It may hurt to accept that the people in your life who have treated you poorly aren’t meant for you, but it’s true, and I must accept that for myself too. I spent many years of my life with, well, abusive friends, when I should have been looking elsewhere. You and I both deserve the connection, support, validation, and trust we deserve. No matter any mistakes we have made in the past, we want to grow beyond that and exist in a mutually beneficial, mutually trusting friendship. It just means you’re a human. Maybe those who are afraid of genuine friendships are hurting in their own way too, and I do sympathize with them, even if it hurts people like us.
I know it’s hard not to feel worthless because we feel our value reflected in those around us, but at some point maybe we can realize that the sheer fact we were/are willing to be there for people genuinely makes us desirable friends. It makes me sad how many lonely people are in the world, and I wish people would be more aware of how it can destabilize us. I find myself feeling 5% better because of this place. Just reading other posts, knowing there are others who are genuine in their efforts to grow and support others who are struggling, it helps marginally. And these days, I take what I can get.
Just keep looking, keep staying true to what your needs are, and know it may not happen right away. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and put yourself out there. If people judge you because you come across as shy, they’re not the friends for you in the first place. The right ones will accept you for who you are and support whatever growth you want for yourself along the way.