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Am I an awful person? Am I really better off dead?


#1

I feel awful. I’ve been feeling shitty for awhile. I won’t go to much into it, but everyone’s been dumping stuff on me. My father abandoned me. My mother says she won’t be my mother anymore because I’m cruel.
I feel awful. I continually hurt my family. I’m a monster, and it feels so useless whenever I try to change. I don’t want to keep hurting my family. My mom says she can’t live without me, but I think she’ll make it through.
I’m waiting till May 18th so I can say good-bye to my grandparents.
But I’ll admit, I’m scared. I don’t want a long painful death, and if I don’t break my next on the first try that’s exactly what it will be. Or worse, if the fan’s not strong enough to support me, my mom would find out and try to intervene. And then I’d end up hurting her more.
I really do believe I’d be better off dead. I’ve had a good life. I had friends, and family, and toys, and everything a kid could want.
But have you heard of the Promised Never-land? That’s what my life feels like. Everything’s happy, sure, but it’s all fake. Nobody really cares about each other. The toys that I used to play with my father told me I was to old for. It’s like when Emma discovered that they were killing kids. My world’s falling to pieces as I’ve finally aged out of childhood.
And what’s scarier is what comes next… is there a God? Is there an afterlife? Will I burn in hell? What if I’m reborn, and I have to suffer the same life all over again?
There’s something I’ve come to learn about this world; nobody really cares for each other. We all have some reason why we dislike someone. We all don’t want to step in and help. And those of us who do are too busy struggling ourselves. For example, you know school Guidance Counselors? They’re useless. I was called in one time over the past year. The woman was easily convinced that they were old cuts. She didn’t even ask me to roll up my sleeve. I left with a “smile” on my face after redirecting the conversation toward how I didn’t like this one teacher.
I’ve been acting since a young age. Not for a TV show, or a play. To convince my family and friends that I’m OK. When I just want to cry or bang my head in the wall and end it all, I can’t. Because I care too much about my friends and family.
But if I really do care about my friends and family, wouldn’t it be better to leave them in peace? In year they’ll forget I was even there. I won’t even be thought about anymore.
Any advice, comments, etc.? I truly want to know what you think.


#2

Hey, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I’m sorry you are going through all this. Growing up is difficult. It can be one​ of the most painful experiences when everyone around you sees you as a kid who doesn’t know what “real pain” is, instead of a human being who is hurting. I really do hope that you get this family situation sorted out. You are worth so much. Stay safe and stay strong. We love you.


#3

Hey @baiday2004

To sum up my answer, I’d say that if you believe that you are better off dead and that the world would be better off without you, you are both underestimating the good things the world has to offer and selling yourself very, very short.

Every single person has potential and the power to do good everyday (regardless of how big or small we perceive that good to be). I am sorry that you feel shitty, but I urge you to try and work past your feelings because depression will distort the truth of things for the worst if we let it. It may be true that right now you aren’t doing anything of note or working towards something better, but that is not something you have to accept.

If you truly love those around you, live for them and better yourself to show that you love them. At the very least,do it for yourself. If you are angry and full of hate, try putting that hate and anger towards something, anything, that you want to do. If you are struggling to believe in God and an afterlife, try believing in yourself to start with. You know that right now that if you are reading this, you are still alive and breathing and that counts for something. Your existence does not have to be a meaningless monotonous series of tragedies, you have the power to ensure that it won’t be that.

People really do care for others in the world, despite what you may think. People aren’t all as evil as we think, just scared, stressed and busy most of the time. If you are going to deny the pain you are going through, how are the people who care about you meant to know that you need help? Acting okay and lying to others about your problems in many cases just pushes you further into the downward spiral your problems have created. Be genuine, stop acting and make the change, because your circumstances will only start to change for the better when you start to change for the better.

Don’t take the easy way out. Don’t rob yourself, your family and your friends of the potential joy and love that you can bring them. Your life is worth far more than what you believe it is right now.


#4

Hi, Friend.

I’m sorry that things are feeling so dark right now for you. And I’m sorry that your school counselor didn’t serve you well. It’s unfortunate. Have you ever considered reaching out about getting a professional therapist if your own outside of school? Someone more trained to listen and guide you through what you are struggling. That would probably be much more successful.

It’s true that a lot of people in this world are cruel and don’t care. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is like that. There are people out there who are standing to be and make a difference. There’s good out there. We can all be the change by doing things and bettering things where we feel it needs improvement.

Acting and hiding won’t fix or resolve things. It’s like others have said, cutting yourself short. Having a therapist to speak to could really be a huge help in this. It’s a place where you don’t have to act. You can be real and raw about all of the things you are feeling. In a place where there is no judgement. Just someone who wants to gently guide you and help you become a healthier and happier you.

You know?

Hang in there friend. Things can get better. It’s a process and sometimes takes time and patience but it can get better. You don’t have to go at this alone. You are important, valued and cared for . Even if you aren’t ready to believe it. And you deserve to find hppiness and fulfillment.

I hope that something works out for you and that you are able to find someone that can be a strength, guidance and comfort for you. And that you will find the will to keep taking steps forward.

Be gentle with yourself. :heart: