Am I Intentionally screwing up?

Hello HeartSupport Community,

I read something online on a psychology website talking about some children who have dealt with parents of divorce and separation issues and how they struggle in later life, some of the things which they’re talking about seemed close to me like I have experienced them.

It was said on the lines of that these children could have issues with different types of relationships and push people away, which seems like what’s happened with me, so I’m wondering if you guys could help by giving your advice on how to move past this.

So, my parents broke up when I was around 7/8 and I didn’t really see the impact of it and didn’t really deal with it on a personal level and later I could see how it may have affected me, I had some anger issues, not violence but not really understanding how I felt. I have also had confidence issues and always been really restrictive when before this happened I was a quite confident person for my age and when talking to new people and with people not so familiar with has caused me to feel stressed and unsure what to think. I have also had a few trust issues before with people and even with family occasions, I’m often very quiet. I feel like i also struggle with romantic relationships and when getting close to girls it seems to go well and then I see to do something that pushes them away, I know I’m only 17 and young but just something that i’ve noticed.

I just felt an epiphany reading it and realised that I’m affected by this. Either I don’t want to do what my father did, or that I didn’t cope and process with the changes in my life at a young age.

Thanks for the help friends, Love you all! <3

Regards, Adam / Mini

EDIT: I felt this out, but thought it was worth adding. I still have a good relationship with my father.

Hey friend,
I have never related more to a post, my dad walked out when I was ten and for five years (I’m 15 currently) I have had to take the place of my dad. I had to take care of my brother and sister and comfort my mum through the whole thing never quite catching a break.

I too push people away a lot. Whether it be in friendship or in a family aspect. I am not quite sure how to “get over” that but I do try to make myself have relationship with people, it just takes a long time to learn how to trust them. All I can offer is to just give people a try, even if it does take months maybe even years before a proper relationship gets built.

I still struggle with the anger that comes with the break up but I think it’s because I never spoke about my parents break up. The more you keep it inside the more it tends to bother you. The trust issues come from the fact that the people you were supposed to trust to teach you love couldn’t complete that, it also stems from watching other kids with two parent, for me subconsciously I felt like It was my fault. I didn’t tell myself that explicitly but I think sometimes when we don’t have someone or something to blame we tend to turn our own negativity on ourselves, which in return gives us the trust issues, low self esteem, low confidence.

I completely understand where you’re coming from and I also feel like I put this kind of pressure on myself to the point if I get in a romantic relationship I CAN’T be like my father, I feel like it all has to be perfect and if it’s not I failed. I don’t know if that makes sense, maybe you understand?

Thank you so much for posting, it’s so nice to hear that someone else feels the same way I feel and understand this situation.

Hold fast friend,
Love Luna :heart:

1 Like

Hey Adam,

So you’re asking a HUUUUUGE question that is SO worth exploring.

Right now, you’re noticing a lot of the effects of the trauma, which is hugely helpful and relieving to know you’re not crazy for all of those things.

What I feel might help make sense as to WHY all of those effects are taking fruit in your life is to dig down to the root of what the divorce meant to you…what you believed about yourself as a result…the agreements that you made with certain thoughts or beliefs in that moment…the way you tell that story in your own heart.

For instance, how did you make sense of your parents splitting? Did you blame yourself? If so, what did you really feel about yourself when that happened? What were the thoughts that were going through your head, or the things you came to believe as true in order to make sense of that trauma?

Really digging into these things will help you uncover the root, and from the root comes the fruit. It might help make sense out of this umbrella of struggles you’ve faced since then.