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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Toxicity by System of a Down
Anger… a pressure cooker best kept out of sight. a demon raging in the soul that has escaped only once and the experience was terrifying. Yet anger repressed is a living hell because it cannot be repressed. And yet why bother, anger has never changed much except for the worst. And nothing changes whether I express or don’t express.
These days I find myself struggling with just an overwhelming feeling of “why bother” and being angry that I care because it hurts so very much to care in a world gone insane with brutality. Knowing that nothing I say matters one iota nor changes a thing. I used to say focus on what I can control and focus on doing small, good deeds but these days it feels more like a self-delusion knowing that what is going on hasn’t stopped just because I stopped paying attention. How does one unsee what we have seen or unhear what we have heard other than by lying to ourselves, or hiding from ourselves? I used to do that with drugs and alcohol but am 15 years clean and sober (17 sober 15 clean) and that is no longer an option …but there are days I Iong for the oblivion of a blackout.
And it’s not as if this is the only issue of pointlessness I deal with.1987 I was diagnosed with HIV through mandatory testing, I was disowned by a religious family and made homeless. I have fought and struggled, I have thrown all dignity out the window (even to the point of selling myself for the pleasure of strangers), and scratched and endured. I lived through the nightmare of the stigma and death; I have buried 267 of my friends and acquaintances and seen every face of AIDS there is. I struggled for the dignity and respect, marched and protested, and now here I am with a world taking it all away as if it never happened and it was all for nothing. Now anti-LGBTQ bigotry is back in vogue, backed with the force of state and federal law and worse than ever it seems. Scratching my way from homelessness to being a first-time homeowner with a 30year mortgage that made me PROUD for having done something I would never have imagined possible just to find out 3 months later I now not just have HIV, but terminal bone cancer BECAUSE of the HIV medication… the very thing keeping me alive has now consigned me to another death. And what good being angry, what good crying, begging for mercy from a merciless god? Why trust those who have by their refusal to wear masks or get vaccinated, by razor wire at the border and drowning migrant kids , or making excuses for the mass bombing of refugees waving white flags, or a transgender child terrified to go to school.
Disorder? Disorder is my life no matter what I do, no matter how I try, no matter what I feel, no matter what I think, there is always another shoe kicking me in the teeth.
What was the Line from “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas? “Just a drop of water in an endless sea”. Sounds about right…
I am angry at the world, but I am angrier that I can’t stop feeling, that I can’t just give up and accept that sometimes the best a man can hope for is to die in his sleep. but given my luck… probably not.