Anger a pressure cooker best kept out of sight a d

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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Toxicity by System of a Down
Anger… a pressure cooker best kept out of sight. a demon raging in the soul that has escaped only once and the experience was terrifying. Yet anger repressed is a living hell because it cannot be repressed. And yet why bother, anger has never changed much except for the worst. And nothing changes whether I express or don’t express.

These days I find myself struggling with just an overwhelming feeling of “why bother” and being angry that I care because it hurts so very much to care in a world gone insane with brutality. Knowing that nothing I say matters one iota nor changes a thing. I used to say focus on what I can control and focus on doing small, good deeds but these days it feels more like a self-delusion knowing that what is going on hasn’t stopped just because I stopped paying attention. How does one unsee what we have seen or unhear what we have heard other than by lying to ourselves, or hiding from ourselves? I used to do that with drugs and alcohol but am 15 years clean and sober (17 sober 15 clean) and that is no longer an option …but there are days I Iong for the oblivion of a blackout.
And it’s not as if this is the only issue of pointlessness I deal with.1987 I was diagnosed with HIV through mandatory testing, I was disowned by a religious family and made homeless. I have fought and struggled, I have thrown all dignity out the window (even to the point of selling myself for the pleasure of strangers), and scratched and endured. I lived through the nightmare of the stigma and death; I have buried 267 of my friends and acquaintances and seen every face of AIDS there is. I struggled for the dignity and respect, marched and protested, and now here I am with a world taking it all away as if it never happened and it was all for nothing. Now anti-LGBTQ bigotry is back in vogue, backed with the force of state and federal law and worse than ever it seems. Scratching my way from homelessness to being a first-time homeowner with a 30year mortgage that made me PROUD for having done something I would never have imagined possible just to find out 3 months later I now not just have HIV, but terminal bone cancer BECAUSE of the HIV medication… the very thing keeping me alive has now consigned me to another death. And what good being angry, what good crying, begging for mercy from a merciless god? Why trust those who have by their refusal to wear masks or get vaccinated, by razor wire at the border and drowning migrant kids , or making excuses for the mass bombing of refugees waving white flags, or a transgender child terrified to go to school.

Disorder? Disorder is my life no matter what I do, no matter how I try, no matter what I feel, no matter what I think, there is always another shoe kicking me in the teeth.

What was the Line from “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas? “Just a drop of water in an endless sea”. Sounds about right…

I am angry at the world, but I am angrier that I can’t stop feeling, that I can’t just give up and accept that sometimes the best a man can hope for is to die in his sleep. but given my luck… probably not.

[anon85008496]

Hey there Friend,

Your words I’m sure will resonate deeply with so many. You’ve faced I life ruined by injustice, illness and adversity. Your tiredness and anger that is ready to explode is evident. You believe the world couldn’t care less about your struggles, but let me tell you, that is wholly untrue, but also sad as there is people out there who do genuinely care. All of these emotions you speak of are a response to the overwhelming weight you carry. Fate is cruel and those who prolong or cause suffering should have no place in this world.

You’ve come a long way in your journey, from the depths of despair, to the heights of confidence, passion and resilience. All of this shows determination and struggles. Despite the challenges you faced, you carried on, despite swimming through a stormy sea, and you came to shore again. You survived. You swam those waters and emerged from them as a beacon of hope and light. Darkness was defeated, and will not win. I am moved deeply by your words, and I hope others are too.

Your physical and mental scars are a blessing. They show that you fought battles nobody could ever imagine, and that you won! You faced wars against bigotry, illness and despair. You are an extraordinary human, with a lot of love to give. Your courage shows the depth of your character and the lengths you are willing to go to for peace.

The world’s injustices are more than any of us in our lifetime will be able to solve. That’s a harsh but true reality. It’s natural to question the failure of your efforts in the face of cruelty. Know this though: your existence, your words and your actions matter. Each act of kindness, each defiant stand against injustice, creates a world of compassion and solidarity, something we do really need at the moment.

Your journey shows that you will not be broken or defined by your circumstances, and that if you are, you will get back up, dust yourself off and fight stronger and harder than you ever have before. The odds may not always be in your favour, but you face them with humility. You prove time and time again that humans do have the capacity to care and love, even during the darkness.

Though the road ahead may seem daunting, and the burdens you carry may feel unbearable, remember that you are not alone. There is strength in community, solace in solidarity, and hope in the knowledge that together, we can overcome even the most formidable of obstacles.

Your anger is a normal human reaction, but let that anger transcend into action and change. Advocate for others and be the change you want to see in the world. The most powerful weapon against oppression is our voice, and you have one. The world is shrouded in darkness, but let it not be. Let us follow your beacon of hope and create a better future together.

In the face of despair, remember the words of Khalil Gibran: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Your scars are a testament to your strength, your resilience, and your unwavering spirit. You are not defined by your pain, but by the courage with which you confront it.

Hold on to hope, because you are loved, valued and cherished. Your presence makes the world so much brighter!