Hi Everyone,
So around 10 days ago, I shared about one of my biggest achievements ever, which was to be able to go to a Metal Festival and to kinda live the dream of my brother. I shared it to my family and close friends and here. I received kind answers I wish I could have received from my family, but no, just from friends and here from you guys, and I thank you so much for that !
It helped me to stand up my ground, facing my family, who cares only about what I can live with them no matter the importance to me. I must say that I was sad, and a bit angry as well, because my parents are all the time behind my back, constantly pressuring me, asking for news, when will I go home to visit them etc…
They came in town this afternoon, and asked if we could see each other, what I agreed. And I don’t know why today, but I needed to be honest about the fact that if i’m not that much responsive, is because going to my childhood home is just too hard. I’m the youngest of 5 and had to endure a lot of crap leading to traumas and comportemental issues, generalized anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies.
So I just unloaded all that shit, because I could not take it anymore to be seen as the black sheep because I have a different lifestyle and that I need some space to heal. I’m the only one who got out of the group, I’m the only one not married, single, no kids. Childhood traumas are just hard to overcome, and I needed a lot of years to be able to speak about it at all to close friends, then therapists.
I could hear the pain of my father watching another son leaving the ship, but I had to be honest on what I had to live as a kid. I can’t tell about my remaining brother, who at least isn’t trying to destroy the efforts I put in therapy and time to start the healing process. But my sisters are just the worst piece of whatever you want. Minimizing what I could live, just telling that it’s time to move on, that it was for fun, and that every kids had their lot of suffering and little cries.
So I had to picture to my parents what were those little situations. So we have mental shit like I was adopted, that if I sleep my heart will stop. Putting a pillow on my face until I fade away, asking me to lick batteries, to take their hand while they were holding electricity wires, one holding my head and shoulders under water and another one my legs. And then those little secret games, who are not supposed to happen ever, especially when you’re 9 years younger. But apparently, it’s okay, it’s just game, you should overcome and stop the drama.
But for God’s love, this was in the middle of constant mokery, public humiliation, trying everytime as possible to make me go angry but knowing that my parents will tell me I don’t have to answer to the older ones, trying to make me cry indeed, and trying to invade the little personnal space I could have in the house. When I was a young adult it did not changed, and I had to face those two blood suckers plenty of times, all the time judging, critisizing, reducing me to someone without any self-esteem. Because for all those years, I was convinced that I was the anomaly in this family. Too fragile, Too depressed, no big goals, nothing.
But it has to stop, I did not wanted to speak about it due to my brother’s death, that already shattered into pieces the family, but I have to do the right things to heal without punishing some people in it for things they are not responsible for. I needed to tell that, clearly, this is because of my sisters behavior. (For the record, my last text received from one of them was happy birthday, you could call Mom often, a birthday of a son is also something a mother should be able to celebrate. Spoiler altert : I was just numb reading this, I was not aware that you could add some guilt as attachment in a text ! But this is possible ! Do not try this at home kids, please !)
So here I am, in the middle of the night, sleepless because I released so much things I thought I would never be able to tell. I don’t know what will come next, they listened to me without trying to question my feelings or to invalidate them, as well as facts, for now. I’m a calm person, mostly joyfull and smiling all the time. But I was not smiling at all, just explaining all that stuff I had to live. I don’t feel guilty for one time. My body and my mind are trying to figure out what’s going on, this is really disturbing. But things has been said.
I asked them not to speak directly to my sisters about that. That I’m not here to try to fight with anyone, that I wish them happyness after all, just, I want to be at peace, not simply surviving but to live sweet things on a daily basis without having to face nightmares again and again. I don’t know if they will respect my request or not, but in any way, this is okay. I tried to protect everyone from pain, from guilt, by keeping it to me, for too long. I deserve to exist, and to be at peace…
Thanks to everyone who stayed until there to read this, I wish everyone who’s experiencing this kind of things will have the opportunity to speak, because God, this is a relief !!! Take care everyone, I dedicate it to you, as well as everyone who supported me and accepted me how I am. Much love !
I’m sharing the last song that was on repeat, wish it could give some strenght and courage to someone here.
