Hi I hope you are doing well.
I suppose this is a kind of an update. I dont know if I can say I amdoing exactly better. Probably a little bit. Suicidal thoughts are much less present. So that is something. I am trying to make myself busy and give myself a bit of joy. I play games, I listen to music. However I am still not feeling… I dont know what. I guess I am feeling sad for some reason. I dont know why. I am not dealing with abuse or a recent death or health issues. I feel empty. I had recently play DnD and just did not enjoy it. I had made a trip to the city center to buy some books and felt exhausted afterwards. I cant bring myself to study. What is wrong with me. Intrusive thoughts start to creep in my mind. I dont know if anythings in my life matters. I dont matter to myself and in a way I am ok with it. I dont like pain so I awoid it. I dont like boredom so I try to keep busy. I dont like problems so i try to solve them. But if I just sudenly died I would not regret dying. Maybe i would be even happy in the last few moments. I cant remember the last moment that i would be scared of dying. I mean I still have self preservation reflex but that is just that. A reflex. Would I trade everything good that might happen to avoid everything bad that might happen. The answer is yes. Yes I would. I cant bring myself to help people live when i dont think life has much value.