I suppose this is a kind of an update. I dont know if I can say I amdoing exactly better. Probably a little bit. Suicidal thoughts are much less present. So that is something. I am trying to make myself busy and give myself a bit of joy. I play games, I listen to music. However I am still not feeling… I dont know what. I guess I am feeling sad for some reason. I dont know why. I am not dealing with abuse or a recent death or health issues. I feel empty. I had recently play DnD and just did not enjoy it. I had made a trip to the city center to buy some books and felt exhausted afterwards. I cant bring myself to study. What is wrong with me. Intrusive thoughts start to creep in my mind. I dont know if anythings in my life matters. I dont matter to myself and in a way I am ok with it. I dont like pain so I awoid it. I dont like boredom so I try to keep busy. I dont like problems so i try to solve them. But if I just sudenly died I would not regret dying. Maybe i would be even happy in the last few moments. I cant remember the last moment that i would be scared of dying. I mean I still have self preservation reflex but that is just that. A reflex. Would I trade everything good that might happen to avoid everything bad that might happen. The answer is yes. Yes I would. I cant bring myself to help people live when i dont think life has much value.
'tis an interesting philosophical proposal, friend.
If you traded all possible goods for all possible bads… would you not be left with the most boringest of boring flat plateau? is that not madness exemplified?
You’re loved and you matter, and I hope that you find those small moments of joy or peace that can help you power through the other moments. Glad you’re here with us. Your insight and thoughts are always appreciated.
thank you for sharing this update, it’s really incredible to hear how suicidal thoughts are less present. truly a victory to celebrate! you deserve those feelings and moments of pure joy so much - what are your fav games to play and musical artists to jam to?
at least in my experience with my own depression, it takes some time for me to feel the full happiness of my fav activities again after feeling better. it’d be unrealistic for me to expect i can flip a switch on and off from my depression but there’s always some lag time on feeling 100% again. do you feel like that could be what you’re going through as well? for now, just go easy on yourself. take breaks, be understanding if you feel exhausted after trips out, and have patience as your body and mind catch up.
with everything i shared in the previous paragraphs, i do hope some of that mindset can support you in feeling more validated in your own thoughts. like, “hey someone else also has rough transition times between depression and feeling a bit better.” and at the very least, just know i understand you and am here for you. i’m thankful you have that preservation reflex though… i’m blessed with moments like last week when we could all chat and laugh together and for the opportunity to know you. so thank you for being in this community and for hanging around. i look forward to hearing from you soon, my friend.
Maybe it’s counterintuitive, when feeling exhausted, but physical activity that increases the heart rate for around 20 minutes at a time, functions as an effective antidepressant for a lot of people, including me. It also “oxygenates” the brain, and helps with the thinking process.
If you dwell on and fully appreciate the good times, it may help with the feeing that life’s worthwhile despite the problems. There’s an art to “magnifying” moments of comfort and happiness. The experience eating a chocolate brownie, or any good thing, can be expanded upon, so it ends up being a super bright spot in your day.
You have value, and you add value to life, both yours and others. You understand depression. You have empathy. As someone who can listen and understand when someone shares their feelings about depression, you can be a tremendous comfort to others. You don’t need to figure out therapeutic words. Just being there is a valuable and unforgettable gift.
When the rewarding essence of life feels diminished, there’s one thing that brings it back. It’s sharing love. You have shared it here in the past. We’re willing to share it with you too.