This might be long and I feel as if my mind is all over the place so please bear with me.
I almost feel as if I’m crazy. I’ve had issues with anxiety and depression in the past and was on medicine for it. I stopped taking it years ago because I was doing well and honestly at that point I got so bad at remembering to take it, nothing worked to remember at one point. I feel like I need to get back on it but I don’t have a doctor any more. I have so much going on in my life, I’m a single mom, I’m working, going to college, and I’m trying to heal. Dealing with my son’s father can be really tough at times as he abused me a lot when we were together. Nowadays he’s limited in how he can be abusive towards me but sometimes he still really gets to me. Today has been rough, I’ve had tons of anxiety just in general. I know I have to get a new doctor but I feel like something’s stopping me and I don’t know why. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just pick up a phone and find one. On top of that, I am so close to losing my job. My son has been sick a lot and because of that he’s had to stay home from daycare meaning I too have to stay home with him. But on top of that, quite literally almost every teacher from his daycare has resigned today. In the meantime my mom is able to watch him while I work but that’s not a permanent option and I’m scrambling to find a new daycare. I have yet to tell my ex this as it’s not necessarily something that affects him and it doesn’t affect his time with our son. But I do have to let him know and I just know he’s going to get nasty with me again because he hates that our son is in daycare. He wants his mom to be the one watching him but not only is she abusive, she’s unreliable too. Even if I agreed to her watching our son, she’ll back out last minute (which I absolutely DoNot want her to watch him anyway). It’ll be another back and forth of what he wants but wasn’t allowed to have in court. The judge said no to his mom watching him and that I’m allowed to find child care for our son. I’m dreading talking to him. I have been so nauseated with all this anxiety and can’t eat properly/much. I’m also exhausted, this week I’ve had/have finals for some of my classes. I finished two already and have one other due this weekend and my mind has been so fuzzy, I have barely anything done. Then I also have another class that is still going on and I’m behind in homework for it. I feel like I’m drowning and I just feel like anything and everything makes me cry. I’ve been feeling so worthless and alone and I want help and to not be so lonely. Idk where I’m going with this. My mind is just so scrambled…
hi boots my name is kobe, im kinda terrible at this but i wanna help,
you’re not worthless or alone, your son wakes up everyday wanting to see YOU thats something you cant replace. He loves you so much, that means your worth the world to him.
i wish i could help or say more boot my mind isnt very clear either ive been going bad stuff too
Thank you. My son is what keeps me going. This single mom stuff is just very hard. Idk what I’ll do if I lose my job and I’m really worried about that. I’m trying to look for a backup but it’s been hard. I’m sorry that you’re going through some tough times as well!
what im going through doesnt matter compared to yours boots, honestly you’re amazing for toughing it out for your son. i hope can have the will to go through what you’re going through
Hallo boots, grateful to have you here.
I imagine that having so much to deal with and so much going on that your health and well-being has been something that you’ve continuously had to push back. It might just feel like there’s too much other stress to focus on this part, it’s overwhelming finding someone who identifies with you and who is purposeful in attending to your needs, but it does sound like something that is important. Would it be helpful if you and your mum sat down and had a chat and had a look together? It sounds like your mum is so supportive and caring.
I’m so sorry your poor son has been unwell, kids really do pick up all sorts of colds and viruses don’t they? It can be absolutely hard when they aren’t allowed to stay in daycare and you’re having to find another source to look after them, because you still have to make a living. And on top of that you have to deal with the fear of telling your ex about all this! Is there anyway you could have someone with you like a social worker or your mum to be standing by with you so when you do make that call you can hand it over or at least have the support by your side.
You are amazing and I can see that you are doing everything for your son. You are deserving of being able to take care of your own health and mental health, you are deserving to have support by your side.
Hi Boots,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. You are juggling a lot right now and I imagine you may feel overwhelmed by it all. You have been such a trooper so far, and I am proud of everything that you have accomplished so far, like getting through those 2 final exams. Though I know it must not feel like it, from the outside looking in, I think that you are doing a good job, and doing your best to handle all of these responsibilities and scenarios at the same time.
I’m sorry that this is your current experience. And I’m sorry that you have been dealing with all of these things without a sufficient amount of help. Going through such struggles and feeling like you don’t have solid options to turn to can be very lonely. I hope to just provide some encouragement for you today and remind you that you are not alone and you are not worthless. I bet you mean the world to your son, and that he loves you dearly. And though it is temporary, you have some assistance from your mother as well. I’m not sure how close you two are, but maybe confiding in your mother could be of some help? Whenever I feel this overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life, I find that having a release lightens my load so that I can keep pushing on. I talk to someone, or journal, or do anything to just let my emotions live and let them out.
I hope you are able to find a doctor that is a good fit for you, and the assistance and release that you need. You are doing your best every day, and Boots, your best is more than enough. 
Hey Boots, It is really nice to hear from you after so long. I am however so sorry life seems to be getting on top of you right now. It sounds like you have so much on your plate.
Reading all the different things going on made me feel exhausted and I don’t have to deal with it. I am by the way incredibly proud of all that you have achieved.
One of the things that stood out is the lack of medical support you have. I would encourage you to try to get that sorted asap, that will help you to help yourself with everything else.
My other thoughts are to perhaps not involve your ex in anything that he doesnt absolutely have to be involved with, I do not know what the legal situation is but if its a need to know basis try to keep it that way.
The final thing I would seriously like to encourage you to do is care for yourself, in and around all of this you absolutely have to look after you. Nothing else can be done if you are broken. There is something called the Stressbucket analogy and I have sent you a pdf that I found about it, it tells you how to try to find times to let go of some of all the stress you are carrying around, it makes everything so much harder.
Here is the pdf https://www.hey.nhs.uk/wp/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/OHC_StressBucket.pdf
Please try to take care, and remember to breathe, you and your son deserve a healthy you. Much Love to you. x
Hey Boots,
Welcome back and thanks for sharing here! I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are seen, heard, and loved here because you DO matter. One clarifying question I had though: is the type of doctor you are trying to find one for primary care or one for mental health like a psychiatrist?
Either way googling what doctors are available in your area may be an good starting point as you can even look at reviews to see who may be a good doctor to consider. Also, I can understand how your feeling with the anxiety. It sometimes can feel like its eating us alive esp when the huge stressors like what you are dealing with currently build up and compound the heightened stress levels.
With school I would check on any student assistance resources your college may provide. They may able to provide assistance with your classes and health and wellness and counseling services as well. Also, given the abusive nature of your ex, his mom, and how the court already ruled about the care for your son I’m not sure if he should be looped in on this right now.
Hold strong as this is just a rough patch life threw at you and things will get better. Keep and touch and if you need anything we are here for you. You ALWAYS matter.
Much love,
ctrain
My mom is very supportive. I’m very thankful for her and she has been helping me lots through all this.
Thankfully it is mandated that in our order, that my ex and I are to only communicate through a parenting app or at pick up and drop off. Due to past situations with my ex, pick up and drop off are to only be at the police station or at his house and if they’re at his house, my dad or someone else is always with me. It makes it better but he will still try to get at me through the app at times. Today was one of those days he tried 
Thank you, my mental health has me really tired today. It’s been a tough day.
Thank you, I really do need to take care of myself more at times. I used to journal quite a bit but I guess that’s just gotten away from me.
I’m hoping too, I really need to call, but it feels like yet again, another day has gotten away from me 
Thank you! I’m trying to get medical support started but idk why it’s been so hard. I feel like I get to the end of the day and then I realize, I didn’t get it sorted again.
I try to let him know as little as possible but I do have to let him know at the least that he won’t be there for the time being. I’m absolutely dreading it. My son is still fairly young so he still has bottles. He has some eating issues going on that we’ve been going to a doctor for weekly for months now and up until recently, he was drinking formula rather than whole milk. Over time, I have gotten him to drink other things and with different cups and he finally no longer needs formula. I told my ex at drop off today rather than beforehand that he no longer needs formula and only drinks whole milk now. He messaged me not even 20 minutes after I left angry that I didn’t tell him sooner and made it a whole problem. Then at pick up, my son was very hungry and thirsty and the milk that I put in his bag was bad at that point so I had to make a stop and get him some milk from a gas station. Then when I changed his diaper, it was a size too small. It’s infuriating to me that he’d let him go hungry and thirsty then put things on me to make it like I’m either lying or that I’m causing a problem. I guess im mentioning all this because it’s just a small example of why I dread talking to him. Today I cried because he made such a big deal over me not saying something sooner about milk and I am scared to talk to him and then it had me thinking, he’s so upset about this while I’m going to therapy because he made me want to not exist when we were together.
Sorry, this is getting long. Thank you for the pdf, I will definitely check it out. And seriously thank you so much 
Primary care, I honestly have a lot of health problems going on (mostly minor) that I need sorted. I used to have a psychiatrist and currently have a psychologist. She has been helping me figure out some medical stuff and pointing me kinda where to go. I think I just kinda realized something though about why it’s been hard to get started, and it has to do with my ex. It sounds stupid but he used to give me a severely hard time anytime I’d get medical help and at one point I ended up just not unless it had to do with my pregnancy when we were together. I guess I made it a habit. Thank you though, I am going to start looking up some doctors tonight.
Unfortunately I do have to let him know he won’t be in daycare at the moment due to our order. I’m am dreading it though. I plan on limiting on what I say about it. I was going to talk to him about it tomorrow and I know tomorrow is gonna be a high anxiety day because of that.
Thank you!!